Ways Women Orgasm

A sexual relationship

Judy married in the late 1950s; well before the average woman was informed about what a sexual rela­tion­ship might involve. Judy’s aspir­a­tions were to provide a comfort­able home for her family and to enjoy being a wife and a mother.

When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up chil­dren and a rela­tion­ship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would under­stand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.

On the subject of female masturb­a­tion Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturb­ated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”

It is often mistakenly assumed that all young women today masturbate. Whatever the social fashion most (if not all) men masturbate but even in our ‘modern’ times female masturb­a­tion is relat­ively uncommon.

Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of inform­a­tion to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be diffi­cult to find explan­a­tions for women’s sexual exper­i­ences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.

“It is obvious that neither younger girls nor older women discuss their sexual exper­i­ences in the open way that males do.” (p138 Sexual beha­vior in the human female 1953)

A sex ther­apist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit that young women today are much more exper­i­enced than older gener­a­tions (my view — it depends on the woman). Never­the­less she was confident to advise (presum­ably from the book) that clit­oral stim­u­la­tion solves all diffi­culties with orgasm during sex.

I ques­tion this advice. Clit­oral stim­u­la­tion by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. The truth is that even during masturb­a­tion, clit­oral stim­u­la­tion only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.

Women have lower sexual desire

It may have become fash­ion­able (not only accept­able but also actively encour­aged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our funda­mental biolo­gical responses. Flattered by male atten­tion, young women natur­ally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfor­tu­nately, society rejects a more repres­ent­ative picture of women’s sexu­ality because of the cultural pres­sure to promote young women as sexy.

In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embar­rassed about sex as their elders despite the liber­al­isa­tion in sexual atti­tudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexu­ally explicit as clit­oral stim­u­la­tion or female masturb­a­tion. The conclu­sion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motiv­ated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.

In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknow­ledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.

Judy told me how, without precon­cep­tions, a woman simply accepts her exper­i­ence of sex at face value. Many women, of any gener­a­tion, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s exper­i­ences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to recon­cile their sexual exper­i­ences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.

“Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexu­ality 1995)

Lack of under­standing about female sexu­ality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ exper­i­ence is to orgasm with a partner then why do so few women posit­ively promote the joys of sexual pleasure?

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

2 comments for “A sexual relationship

  1. ilovemywife
    September 15, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Jane, some­thing you may want to research, is that some women may have too much, or too thick of a skin over their clit­oris and cannot get adequate stim­u­la­tion from their partner during inter­course no matter what posi­tion. I read a story where a woman was diagnosed with this and had a very minor outpa­tient surgery that changed her sex life dramat­ic­ally. She had never enjoyed intimacy that much even after several years of marriage, including not having an orgasm. The surgery changed all that. Just a thought.

  2. Jane
    September 15, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    Thanks Curtis. This kind of condi­tion can be diagnosed by a doctor. I am talking about quite normal and healthy women who certainly do not need surgery to enjoy sex.

    Men need continuous and direct penile stim­u­la­tion to exper­i­ence orgasm. I am pointing out that women are likely to need similar amounts of continuous and direct clit­oral stim­u­la­tion if they are also to exper­i­ence orgasm. You would find it diffi­cult to orgasm if your partner insisted that you must do so only by her banging her pelvis against your penis. This is the posi­tion of a woman during vaginal intercourse.

    Vaginal inter­course does not provide suffi­cient (continuous and direct) clit­oral stim­u­la­tion for most women to be able to orgasm. This is a fact estab­lished by Shere Hite in 1976.

Leave a Reply