Given the prac­tical nature of sex (book-learning only gets you so far!) we tend to assume that sex experts have personal exper­i­ence to support their ‘expertise’.

Such is our embar­rass­ment over sex that even when a person is advising others about sex we think it improper to ask them to account for their sexual exper­i­ences. Yet these exper­i­ences contribute towards their authority and support their qualifications.

Most women, sex experts or not, never learn how their own sexual arousal works and that genital stim­u­la­tion is required for orgasm as much for women as it is for men.

We even accept men advising on female orgasm because of the miscon­cep­tion that women respond to phys­ical sex play much as men do. But women do not approach sex aroused enough (in their minds) for phys­ical stim­u­la­tion to be effective (lead to orgasm).

Given that so many women either mistake orgasm or fake it, it seems unlikely that many men have ever been with a woman who knows how to achieve her own orgasm. In any event, while a woman simply lies there waiting for a man to give her an orgasm, she will never take respons­ib­ility for achieving her own sexual arousal.

The fact is that men learn about how their mental arousal works through masturb­a­tion. But hetero­sexual women can claim to reach orgasm during sex without any need to acknow­ledge how they achieve suffi­cient psycho­lo­gical arousal for orgasm.

Being explicit about how female orgasm is achieved

Some people object when intimate details are provided to describe sexual activity between two people. They assume that the author is either trying to impress or to shock. I have provided personal details of my sex life for two main reasons.

When I first started out, I was tempted to talk about sex gener­ally because it was embar­rassing to be explicit. Over time I learned that it was easy to end up talking at cross purposes unless you are specific. One person’s ‘you know what I mean’ is not neces­sarily the same as another’s. In fact, shock­ingly they can be quite the opposite.

Unsur­pris­ingly, since the vagina has few nerve endings, I exper­i­ence no arousal what­so­ever from inter­course. My best orgasms come from masturb­a­tion alone but I also enjoy highly pleas­ur­able sexual arousal (and a phys­ical orgasm) from anal sex.

Natur­ally all of this is very shocking. But if hetero­sexual women want to enjoy orgasm then they need to admit to some erotic or ‘naughty’ thoughts and deeds. How else does a person become aroused enough for orgasm? Women who insist that vaginal inter­course works for them despite all the known facts cause unne­ces­sary confu­sion over how female orgasm is achieved.

The other reason that I want to be explicit about the details of my sexual exper­i­ences is so that I can reas­sure people that I know as much about sex and orgasm as any woman is likely to. All too often when a woman admits to a lack of orgasm during sex, other people assume she must be sexu­ally inhib­ited, sexu­ally ignorant or with a partner who is sexu­ally incompetent.

So I need to tick all the boxes. OK — I have not had sex with hundreds of different men. But women who are promis­cuous can be criti­cised for setting a ‘bad example’ to younger women. So I am hetero­sexual. I am college educated. I have lived with my partner for over twenty years and we have made the most of exploring sex together.

Over the years, like many other couples, we have found that achieving female orgasm during sex is not easy. Others will claim other­wise but they never provide enough factual detail to make it clear that it is not just sexual bravado.