Ways Women Orgasm

Comparing orgasm from female masturbation and with a partner

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Graphs are not very exciting concepts but nevertheless they can be useful. Imagine the male orgasm graph which looks a little like a vertical phallic symbol. Then imagine the female orgasm graph which looks like the outline of a woman’s vulva.

The male experience is shorter but more intense. The female experience is longer but lower overall. My experience of female masturbation is that the initial phase can be horizontal – nothing happens. I lie there waiting for the inspiration of an effective fantasy.

But once that spark takes light, my experience is similar to a man’s. Within a minute or two the whole thing is over. The build-up is quick and the sensations of release are sexually satisfying. The aftermath of orgasm involves a sense of release followed by blissful relaxation.

Build-up with a partner takes much longer than a couple of minutes. But also the sensations are more pleasurable and physically intense as he stimulates me. My mind has no conscious focus except the sensations of my partner touching me and thinking about his erection.

For me, orgasm with a partner includes pelvic contractions but there is not the same sense of release. Using fantasy allows me to be the woman but also to identify with the man at the point of orgasm as he thrusts and ejaculates to orgasm. Perhaps this ability to superimpose the act of male ejaculation on my orgasm produces my sense of release.

During female masturbation, whatever sexual activity I am imagining (usually anal sex or occasionally fellatio), my focus at the point of orgasm is thinking about the man’s orgasm. Male ejaculation, for me, is highly graphic and the greatest turn-on.

When women ask about lack of orgasm, experts often suggest that inhibition or psychological trauma may cause a woman to view sex as ‘dirty’ or as a ‘violation’ rather than as a loving act involving mutual sexual pleasure. I challenge this suggestion.

Women who masturbate to orgasm are in fact much LESS sexually inhibited than other women. Not only do they appreciate eroticism enough to enjoy their own sexual fantasies through masturbation when alone. They are also more willing to engage on a variety of sexual activities with a partner to explore how they might enjoy their own sexual arousal during sex.

If men want to enjoy sex in the longer-term they need to find a woman who cares about them enough to invest in their sex life together. In a positive relationship, where there is a willingness to give on both sides, a couple can enjoy sharing emotional and physical intimacy by being more honest about the rewards.

In the longer term, a man hopes for a partner who is positively enthusiastic about their intimate time together. For example, a man hopes for a lover who:

  • has some appreciation of sexual pleasure and eroticism;
  • is willing to explore a variety of approaches to enjoying sexual pleasure with a partner;
  • understands a man’s desire to live out his sexual fantasies; and
  • takes an active role in responding as a lover.

I approached sex initially as a man must. I hoped to feel sexual arousal and that I would be able to reach orgasm during sex. I was bitterly disappointed, as many women are who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, when they first come to sex. I concluded that the female mind and body simply do not respond to sex as a man’s mind and body do.

I also concluded that the idea that women respond similarly to men is based on sexual fantasies not reality. Since talking to other women, I now know that women interpret emotional sensations as if they represent true sexual arousal and orgasm.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

4 comments for “Comparing orgasm from female masturbation and with a partner

  1. Richard C.
    July 10, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    I give sensual massage to both men and women and certainly the responses and dynamic are quite different between the sexes. Men certainly love sex and consistently look for sexual satisfaction but I don’t agree that this always has to be through penetration, hand or oral for many men if given with authenticity as good as penetration. Its the orgasm/ejaculation we seek not just the act of taking a female.

  2. Jane
    July 10, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    Hi Richard, Thanks for commenting. I am not saying that men don’t enjoy orgasm in other ways. It’s just that when we talk about sex we nearly always assume that it means ‘fucking’. When we talk about ‘going all the way’ we mean intercourse. Other activities are considered a lead-in rather than the key focus to sexual activity for most couples most of the time.

    Your work involves providing specific stimulation and exploring outside intercourse by definition. Women are not aroused by stimulating a partner’s genitals so men are likely to come to you looking for something that is missing from their sex lives. I am talking about what the the average heterosexual couple does routinely in bed every week (hopefully!).

    Heterosexuality is not just defined by male responses. The fact that women are much less responsive (especially with a partner) explains why they behave passively in sex and why they accept vaginal penetration – it is much less work than offering more explicit genital stimulation (by hand or by mouth). This is simple reproductive biology.

  3. Richard C.
    July 10, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Yes I agree that most men irrespective of sexuality ultimately seek penetrative sex but for many there seems to be a happy trade off particular as they get older ie over 35 and particularly those that enjoy massage, that to be able to experience a period of intense intimate tactile touching ( foreplay ) followed by gradual hand masturbation to orgasm can be as good even better than orgasm by penetration. Certainly it is less exhausting and often provides the man a stronger, deeper and longer orgasm (the ability to be more self focussed). This is why I think so many heterosexual/bicurious men who generally have penetrative sex with women are discovering and enjoying an erotic massage given by another man where there is no penetration at all apart from maybe anal stimulation.

  4. Jane
    July 10, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    Men no doubt look for other pleasures when they pay for sex (many wives do not offer oral sex, for example) but with their wives they expect to have regular intercourse. This explains why female sexual dysfunction is defined in terms of intercourse not whether a woman is capable of orgasm.

    Women’s role in providing men with sexual pleasure (even if it is only intercourse) is much more vital to men and women (who want to keep their partner’s happy) than women’s true ability to orgasm.

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