As a young woman I never under­stood why I did not exper­i­ence sexual arousal as a natural part of my sexual rela­tion­ship. Much later I decided to talk to experts, assuming that they would have some answers, but I was met only with evasion and silence.

The issue of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opin­ions and, above all, defens­ive­ness. More often than not, our ‘know­ledge’ today revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.

A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regu­larly achieve orgasm during penet­rative sex or imme­di­ately after­wards with mutual masturbation”.

In the SAME article (The Times, 4^th October 2008), a female ther­apist contra­dicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is prob­lem­atic for a signi­ficant percentage of women”.

On the basis of a survey (notori­ously unre­li­able), a UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″. Even if this state­ment refers to orgasm from masturb­a­tion, it is ludicrously optim­istic about women’s orgasmic ability.

It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indic­ates a misun­der­standing about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use erot­i­cism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.

Women are still told they will orgasm ‘natur­ally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amen­able to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.

Female sexual arousal is a polit­ical issue

Having been brave enough to ask personal ques­tions about sex, I have been shocked by just how superior and openly hostile people have been. There were no answers and little sympathy. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.

Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their exper­i­ence of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to under­stand female sexu­ality by comparing notes with others.

“There are some who advocate the perpetu­ation of our ignor­ance because they fear that science will under­mine the mystical concepts that they have substi­tuted for reality.” (p13 ‘Sexual beha­vior in the human female’ — 1953)

The FACT that many women never learn how to orgasm during sex threatens people’s emotional beliefs. Even experts prefer to assume that female orgasm ‘just happens’ rather than have to explain how a woman can learn to orgasm with a partner.

One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone ques­tioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evid­ence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own exper­i­ence makes such a thing impossible.

She continued “Many reports note that in hetero­sexual sex rela­tion­ships, the woman’s inab­ility to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inab­ility to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.

So men are told that thrusting or the G-spot will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. If female orgasm is so easy why is this advice neces­sary and why does no one ask about male orgasm? Are men really so selfish?

I also ques­tion not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this patron­ising towards women? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) did it for them­selves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm tech­niques (learned from masturb­a­tion) to sex.