Women’s orgasm tech­niques leant from masturb­a­tion (including both clit­oral stim­u­la­tion and use of sexual fantasies) are not always as easy to transfer to sex with a partner as experts imply.

“Among all types of sexual activity, masturb­a­tion is, however, the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm. Even in her marital coitus the average female fails to achieve orgasm in a fair propor­tion of her contacts … but in 95 per cent or more of all her masturb­a­tion, she does reach orgasm.” (p132 Sexual beha­vior in the human female 1953)

My exper­i­ence was that the contrast between sex and masturb­a­tion alone was so extreme that it never even occurred to me to try to combine the two experiences.

Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stim­u­la­tion of the penis. Imagine then the posi­tion of a woman during inter­course! Inter­course without any addi­tional clit­oral stim­u­la­tion is like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!

“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 The Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)

Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear some­thing provoc­ative or nothing at all.

In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facil­itate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm are not auto­matic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.

It can appear to women that men orgasm ‘natur­ally’ (without any arti­fi­cial psycho­lo­gical aids) but even for men, achieving orgasm often involves making some special effort. For example, most men actively seek out sources, e.g. porno­graphy, to assist with their sexual arousal and to help develop their fantasies for use both during masturb­a­tion alone and during sex.

Female masturb­a­tion may help but is no guarantee

I had honestly never considered masturb­a­tion to be a legit­imate part of sex. Masturb­a­tion was a mech­anism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleas­ures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.

Women who say they orgasm from sexual inter­course, but do not masturbate, do not neces­sarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no compar­ison. There is even some­times an implic­a­tion that female masturb­a­tion may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on super­sti­tion rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.

“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixa­tion on your clit­oris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”

“The fact that I’ve been masturb­ating since I was ten has made it more diffi­cult for me to orgasm vaginally.”

These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies:

“The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturb­a­tion increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during inter­course. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. …

Of course, masturb­a­tion to orgasm does not auto­mat­ic­ally enable you to orgasm during inter­course. There is no mystical connec­tion between the two – just the prac­tical exper­i­ence with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports — 1993)