Some people assert confidently that women orgasm easily during sex. Yet, when I ask for details, the responses are frustratingly vague and defensive.
Many people assume that all women ‘naturally’ orgasm during sex. I have been advised to read a sex manual as if only extreme ignorance can explain a lack of orgasm. Alternatively, with a sympathetic expression I am asked about my feelings for my partner: “Do you find him attractive? Do you love him?” The implication is that female orgasm arises from true love.
“Orgasms are natural, but intercourse is not, for many of us, the easiest way to have them.” (p79 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
More informed sources commonly explain women’s lack of arousal during sex and their failure to orgasm during sex by:
- some deficiency on the part of the woman (i.e. that she is either physically or psychologically abnormal in some way);
- or ignorance (i.e. that we are not doing it right) including the suggestion that the man might be an incompetent lover.
A popular suggestion is that women have emotional hang-ups about sex and yet it is not logical that women should be more inhibited in their intimate relationships than men are. Given women’s much closer emotional intimacy with friends and their children, it seems more likely that if anyone is going to be emotionally inhibited it would be men not women.
While men’s sexual arousal clearly depends on eroticism, women’s sexual arousal is assumed to depend on romance. So women are told that they need a loving relationship to enjoy sex. Of course, the ultimate fall-back is the suggestion that female orgasm is unimportant, which is only true from a reproductive point-of-view and when a woman is unfamiliar with orgasm.
Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
Most boys work out how to enjoy orgasm through masturbation by the age of 12 or 13. Some women discover orgasm in their late teens, or in their twenties or thirties. Many others never discover orgasm throughout the whole of their lives. Facts such as these are diagnosed as women’s sexual dysfunction but there has to be a more reasonable explanation.
“Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun.” (p42 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
All those magazine articles proposing a million ways to give a woman a mind-blowing orgasm sound very promising but why are they needed in the first place? You rarely see an article explaining how to give a man even one orgasm, mind-blowing or otherwise. These articles prove that there are many women who struggle with orgasm of any description during sex.
It’s about time that sex experts stopped patronising the average couple out there. There are whole books written about female sexual arousal and orgasm so how can it be so straightforward that every woman achieves it as we’d like to think? Even the terms ‘arousal and orgasm’ refer to women’s experiences because men’s sexual arousal is usually easy. Yet so often we are told that the solution is as simple and obvious as pressing a button — the clitoris. Evidently, clitoral stimulation is not everything.
Increasing numbers of women ask about orgasm during sex but there are few answers. Sex experts can rarely focus on this one issue as I have. From my extensive research, I can vouch for the fact that female arousal is not easy. Anyone who implies otherwise is misguided: they have either mis-interpreted their own experiences or they are simply quoting popular beliefs.
“… since female orgasm is not necessary during intercourse for reproduction to occur, why should nature provide stimulation for female orgasm during intercourse?” (p38 The Hite Reports 1993)
Interesting story. Thanks for sharing.
Male orgasm may be like checkers and female orgasm like chess, but the facts still is that the clitoris has the highest concentration of nerve endings in the body. The clitoris is so sensitive that the body reacts by shutting down and not feeling. Pressing the button may not work for every woman, but people can learn to touch it just right to induce pleasurable sensations.
Does it not sort of boil down to whether the man wants to be an egotistical selfish sexual snob and NOT want to take the time to make every effort to please his partner? Come on guys, whether you’re doing the “Commando” thrusting and pumping routine,(which is probably what most men are doing) or being extremely sensual by using your fingers, or even better yet, your tongue, pardon the description here; but it’s like licking an ice cream cone. You don’t want to gobble it down in one big swoop, you want to savor it, slowly, passionately, intimately. So it is by using your fingers, it’s moist, warm, succulent, take advantage of feeling her body move against your rhythmic pulses. Get off your high selfish horse and enjoy her responses!!
Unfortunately, with the best will in the world it is not always apparent what a man can do to pleasure a woman. My experience was that, even as a woman, I had no idea what would work.
Men’s interest in sex causes them to approach the subject of women’s arousal with enthusiasm and even confidence. Often though they simply need to listen to what women are telling them.
Women do not experience the same spontaneous arousal that men do. The only way that a woman can orgasm during masturation is by using highly explicit sexual fantasies that require 100% mental foucus (like meditation). This is often incompatible during sex with a partner.
Men also lose interest in sex when it becomes hard work. For me masturbation is effortless (as long as I can come up with an effective fantasy). I see sex more in terms of pleasuring my partner and (when I am in the mood) enjoying him arousing me.