No doubt every woman evolves her own individual approach to sex and masturbation. My suggestions are intended for women who have not yet discovered masturbation. You seem to have a fair amount of experience of your own which is equally valid.

One woman I spoke to (see story ‘Reaching orgasm’ under Sexual fantasies) learned how to masturbate with her partner because she did not want intercourse (she did not have reliable contraception). Of course, it is easier to focus on ‘petting’ or mutual masturbation in a relationship before a couple has engaged on a full sexual relationship.

The challenge for many couples once they start having sex is that a man’s need for orgasm can be most easily satisfied through intercourse and so less time is dedicated to a woman’s sexual arousal.

However my boyfriend is very interested in my progress and what I am doing; I feel comfortable an eager to talk to him about what I have done so far and what I am experimenting. Any tips on how I can include him on what is going on with as little room for the experiments to be taken offensively or as “uncomfortable” (fantasies in specific)? I’m thinking there needs to be limitation on what I do tell him and what i keep personal to myself. I don’t really know how to meet a middle ground on that though. I would like to include him as well as keep my own “secrets” (arouses me a bit to think I’m doing sexual things behind his back :] ). Even though masturbation is normal and not cheating, the thought is still there.

–I’m ready

I suggest that you read as much erotic literature as you can without any pressure or agenda. Read a variety of different genres and authors. Don’t be put off a book just because you think it might be a bit shocking. Women get far too hung up about trying to keep sex sanitary.

The whole point of sexual arousal is that it is caused by taboo activities: the more wierd and kinky — the more arousing in general. Of course, you might be lucky and get turned on by straight intercourse with your partner. But most women find they need to fantasise about rape, fellatio or bondage with surreal but sexually assertive strangers. None of these activities is necessarily arousing in real life — in fact, often the contrary.

Of course, sex with a partner is often a very different proposition and many women are disappointed when they find that sex is not as arousing as when they use fantasy during masturbation. Sex with a partner though is vital to feeling like a sexual woman and having real-life sexual experiences to feed your fantasies.

Shere Hite reported that many women use a pillow or other soft object for masturbation. Initially I used to stimulate my clitoris through my panties but fairly quickly I found that more direct contact was more stimulating. I think that women are often too hung up about hygiene issues but if you bathe regularly there is nothing dirty about touching your genitals directly.

Women often experience orgasm only in one way and that is the way that they first learned. Women who only orgasm during intercourse using a position to maximise indirect clitoral stimulation (the politically correct way for a woman to orgasm) take years (perhaps ten or more) to discover orgasm. Since they do not masturbate, sex with a partner is their only opportunity to ever orgasm.

If you don’t want to spend ten years or more waiting to experience orgasm, masturbation represents a much easier route but then you may be disappointed when orgasm with a partner is more difficult.

Thanks WWO, and thanks Jane for speaking up for lack of knowledge about female sexuality!

–I’m ready

Nearly 10 per cent of the females in the available sample had masturbated at times by crossing their legs and pressing them to exert steady or more rhythmic pressures on the whole genital area. …

A relatively infrequent but biologically important method of masturbation in the female is one which depends upon the development of muscular and nervous tension throughout the body.”

(p159-160 ‘Sexual behavior in the human female’ by Alfred Kinsey published 1953)