Everyone says “but it all works fine for other women”. My question is “How?”
Men have more testosterone. Men get turned on by anything that moves in a skirt with legs. All men naturally masturbate throughout their sexually active lives. They heckle, they ask women to dance, they proposition, etc. etc.
And women? They wait to be asked. Is this a sign of sex drive or sexual arousal?
When you look around the web it is relatively rare for a woman to describe exactly how she reaches orgasm with a partner. There’s lots of talk about female orgasm and what it feels like but women know this from female masturbation.
I can quite see why women might be embarrassed to admit to their fantasies since suggested themes include: lesbianism, sadism, domination and rape. But I’m not asking women to divulge these most personal secrets.
A man would just say: “I like women with big tits, I enjoy porn and when I’m with a partner I GET TURNED ON before she has even taken her clothes off. I can easily orgasm BY STIMULATING MY PENIS via oral sex, intercourse or masturbation.”
This explanation has logic and reason because it includes how men get turned on (in their minds) and how they use genital stimulation to reach orgasm. I am simply asking women the same question.
Expert advice about lack of orgasm often focuses on the suggestion that women might be suffering from some vague psychological trauma or have relationship difficulties. Others question whether orgasm is even that important. All these comments indicate that we are talking about women because men would not relate to this advice.
Some experts suggest that women need to employ relaxation and muscle tensing exercises in order to orgasm with a partner. Imagine suggesting this to a man! Exactly how does it help with arousal if you clench your pelvic muscles? Everyone still seems to be convinced that intercourse works for women. No one ever comments on the mental aspects of arousal.
Other experts use intimidation tactics. Some suggest that if a woman knows how to orgasm from female masturbation then all she has to do is the exact same thing during sex. Others suggest that women need to be more assertive in telling their partner what physical stimulation they need during sex. The effect is to trivialise the difficulties that women have with orgasm.
By patronising women and implying that female orgasm with a partner is easy, experts silence women. In fact, they use these techniques to have their suggestions accepted, however ineffective they might be. Some women may be able to orgasm with a partner with additional (manual or oral) clitoral stimulation but this does not mean that all women will be able to.
Experts never disclose how they (or their partners, in the case of male experts) achieve the psychological sexual arousal necessary for orgasm. The implicit assumption is that women experience the same kind of spontaneous arousal from a lover’s body that men do and that physical stimulation techniques are all that is required for women to orgasm during sex.
If men have such significant stimuli (Kinsey acknowledges that women are not aroused by the body and genitals of a sexual partner as men are) to induce or aid their natural sexual arousal (Kinsey acknowledges that men are aroused by the thought of sexual activity but women are not), then how do women achieve the exact same result (orgasm) that men do?
Despite the fact that women use fantasy during female masturbation, there is no discussion of how women might also use sexual fantasies during sex. If they do not use fantasy then what do they substitute during sex in place of fantasy? We know that women do not get turned on by a lover’s body in the same way that men do.
I don’t mind being proven wrong. If other women want to come forward and tell me how their sexuality works to enable them to reach orgasm pretty much as spontaneously as men, then I’d really like to hear from them.
In fact, I would like to hear from any woman on the planet who is willing to stand by her sexual instincts. I don’t mind if she’s never had a sexual urge or orgasm in her life. That at least is believable. What is not believable is anyone who suggests that women respond sexually much as men do.
It takes a lot more physical and emotional stimulation to bring a woman to orgasm. I think the reason more women do not experience orgasm is because they have a partner who does not understand that. It’s all too easy for the man to satisfy himself and let it go at that. But prolonging the act can often solve the problem of the woman’s failure to achieve orgasm, and at the same time intensify the experience for the man. Slow down, guys…take your time. The payoff can be even bigger for both partners if you take it slow and easy. Specifically what works for her will be up to you and your partner. That’s called discovery. That is also a crucial part of the act. If it’s oral stimulation that works for her, then work on the technique. Ask her what pleases her. Don’t assume anything. If she’s one of the lucky ones that can experience a spontaneous orgasm with you, great. But I think the ladies who have that experience are few and far between. See what works but don’t be afraid to see if something else might work even better. Things change over time because our bodies change over time. So don’t fall into a routine. Always be inventive. She’ll love you for it. And you’ll both have a better, more enriched life as a result. At least that’s my opinion, and also my own experience.
The trouble is that men tend to think in male terms – that orgasm is the be all and end all of sex. If a woman masturbates, she can also share this goal – to enjoy orgasm. Even so it takes women YEARS to learn how to orgasm with a partner, if they ever do.
Many other women, who never masturbate, do not understand what all the fuss is about. They see sex in terms of their relationship with their partner and are not necessarily looking for orgasm at all. They are quite happy with the physical intimacy and the sensual delights of sex.
It is only a woman who has discovered orgasm through masturbation who has this sense of missing out. There is not necessarily anything that a man can do about this. Shere Hite notes that women who do succeed with orgasm usually made it happen for themselves.
The GoAskAlice website admits that many women (obviously only those who know what they are missing) NEVER experience orgasm through intercourse. This is no one’s fault: it is quite NORMAL. This is what I am trying to get acknowledged.
Unfortunately, men’s insistence that women MUST orgasm during sex puts pressure on women and explains, in part, why women are reluctant to talk about their experience of orgasm.
My partner never had an orgasm during her first marriage for nine years. She got a divorce and started dating a new man and at 28 years of age had her first orgasm. She had no idea what she was missing till that time. She has never masturbated in her life. She cannot achieve orgasm thru regular intercourse, but said it did happen one time, by accident with the man she dated after her divorce. She said the man she dated was extremely small, so penis size had nothing to do with it. I am striving to have that with her as she is now my wife. I get her there thru oral stimulation but that is the only way she gets there. Hand doesn’t work at all not matter what I try. I know what I am doing having been with other women in my life that got there thru intercourse, manual stimulation and oral. She acts like its not a big deal but its a HUGE deal to me. Nothing in my world of intimacy comes close to the emotional impact of having your lady climax while your penis is inside of her. NOTHING! Her face is by your face and it has a mental impact on both of you that no other form of sex has. We have tried different positions, manual and oral foreplay to get her turned on and almost to climax then started intercourse and everything just kind of shuts down for her. She will not touch herself during intercourse because it horrifies her. I am not getting any younger and fear that our ability to achieve this will slip away. We are both in our forties. Please help. Her interest in fitness is less now than when she dated him and I think that has made some difference. I dated several different women in my life that were aerobics instructors and found that women in shape can orgasm quite easily, even thru their clothes!
Thanks for commenting.
Your desire to have your partner orgasm is very natural but be aware that this puts tremendous pressure on her. She cannot make orgasm happen just because you want it.
Please read more of this site and you will come to realise that stories of female orgasm during sex are mostly just that — stories. Be prepared to be content with what you have, which is likely to be more than most couples have.
Unfortunately the male fantasy of the penis stimulating the vagina is unlikely to ever bring a woman to orgasm. The clitoris is the female sex organ and source of female orgasm.
Remember too that a woman is lucky if she discovers even one way to orgasm. There is absolutely nothing wrong with orgasm through oral sex. Many women can only ever come through masturbation alone and so never orgasm with a partner by any means.
So far I have found very few women who claim to orgasm through intercourse and those that do cannot explain how they do it. One has to doubt such claims especially since intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm.
Imagine if the only way you were allowed to come was through your partner banging herself against your groin…! You might find it hard to come too.
Work on the postives you have and enjoy senusal and erotic pleasure together. Take the pressure off the holy grail of female orgasm. Women can enjoy passionate kissing and sensual massage as much as (or more than) thrusting alone.