Many hetero­sexuals like the fact that the opposite sex is funda­ment­ally different. Both our sexu­ality and our emotional responses differ.

Men are macho, some­times a little insens­itive, largely disin­ter­ested in how they look, social issues or chil­dren. Women are pretty, some­times a little controlling, largely disin­ter­ested in getting dirty, doing battle or anything remotely technical.

When we gener­alise we need to be careful not to imply that everyone is completely categor­ised by their gender. Gender and the asso­ci­ated hormone drives need not always totally determine our indi­vidual prior­ities in life.

“Both men and women seem to accept that gender differ­ences will remain.” (p6 The Bluffer’s Guide to Men)

We accept that men still fight and play sport separ­ately from women but the issue of sex drive or sexual desire is a more sens­itive topic. My mission has been to try to get acknow­ledge­ment of the different emotional drives that influ­ence our lives.

The defens­ive­ness surrounding the sexual politics of hetero­sexual society means that no one wants to admit what we stand to gain from the other sex. So no one ques­tions why women spend so much time on their looks and why men subsidise women’s life­style. Women’s finan­cial depend­ence on men is taboo because of the social custom of women trading sex for money.

Have you ever wondered why only women are called ‘whores’? The fact is that men rarely need a finan­cial incentive to have sex. Yet even a man would struggle to orgasm with any woman regard­less of age or attract­ive­ness. Women are able to have sex with a conveyor belt of part­ners because they DON’T orgasm during sex. Men don’t lack stamina; they just orgasm easily.

Even today female sexu­ality is asso­ci­ated more with women’s role in providing men with sexual pleasure through inter­course than in enjoying their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Even a man would struggle to reach orgasm with the amount of genital stim­u­la­tion that women get from inter­course. Yet such is the confu­sion over female orgasm that even women them­selves insist that they can orgasm from vaginal inter­course despite the fact that it provides insuf­fi­cient clit­oral stim­u­la­tion for orgasm.

If we under­stand what makes each other tick, rela­tion­ships and family life could be more harmo­nious. There needs to be more honesty about porno­graphy — what is exploit­ative and what is simply inno­cent erot­i­cism. Women also need more inform­a­tion to learn how an appre­ci­ation of erot­i­cism can lead to enjoy­ment of their own sexual arousal through female masturbation.

Men’s subcon­scious sexual desire is gener­ally aligned with their conscious mind. I find that it takes a consid­er­able effort to get my conscious mind in gear. So I often go along with sex more in response to my partner’s initi­ative than my own desire even though sex can be very pleas­ur­able. It would seem that phys­ical pleas­ures do not motivate me as they appear to motivate men.

I don’t remember ever being aware of my own phys­ical arousal (erec­tion) when I was younger. When I came off the pill at 35, inter­course became much more comfort­able and natur­ally lubric­ated. Before we always used an arti­fi­cial lubricant (e.g. KY jelly).

My phys­ical arousal (erec­tion) is often linked with seeing my partner’s penis or by giving him fellatio (oral sex). The swollen pubic area is very notice­able both to touch and to the eye. Some­times I also have a heightened aware­ness of my arousal.

Stand by the bath with one foot on the floor, the other on the side of the bath, and place your fingers down over your vulva. Place your middle finger on the skin (hood) over your clit­oris and rest the two other fingers either side of your labia. If you have an erec­tion, you should be able to feel the solid bulge of your erec­tion since the erectile tissue either side of the labia protrudes.

Although I exper­i­ence my most satis­fying orgasms through masturb­a­tion alone (when I can focus fully on fantasy), I am never aware of any degree of clit­oral erec­tion when I masturbate. Perhaps, for women, an erec­tion is simply another evol­u­tionary redund­ancy? Even with my partner, an erec­tion does not mean that my mind is consciously tuned into sexual activity at all.

I would say that this is one of the main sexual differ­ences between male and female sexu­ality.