Women use clit­oral stim­u­la­tion during female masturb­a­tion but that’s just dessert. Main course is achieving sexual arousal though sexual fantasies. Many women never learn how to enjoy these.

The first step in devel­oping sexual fantasies is for a woman to read erotic stories without any goal except relax­a­tion and enjoyment.

I started reading erotica around the age of 14. Initially I enjoyed the stories for sex inform­a­tion and as a light story. I also used to imagine what the men around me in everyday life might think of me sexually.

I don’t know that I would ever have considered combining clit­oral stim­u­la­tion (initially through my panties) with the use of sexual fantasies if I hadn’t read about female masturb­a­tion as well. I don’t remember exactly how I learned to bring my arousal to orgasm.

I’m fairly sure that the lights were off and that I was lying on my front, hands between my legs contem­plating sleep. It was a natural and comfort­able posi­tion in which to think about some sexual scenario.

Just as not every woman has the nurturing skills to make a good mother, not every woman has the sexual skills to be a good lover. A woman needs to be able to tune into male sexual fantasies. When it comes to her own sexual arousal, it helps if a woman sees herself as sexu­ally attractive to men and if she takes pleasure in the know­ledge that a man wants her sexually.

Fantasies do not always transfer to sex

My fantasies are nearly always based on stories that I have read. I wonder what women did before the inven­tion of the printed word…

One of my favour­ites is ‘The Story of O’ by Pauline Reage. The story is set in a large mansion filled with men who use it as a country club but it is a brothel. The men are rich (of course), mascu­line and sexu­ally exper­i­enced (they know what they want).

I like to fantasise about group epis­odes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scen­ario is based on servi­cing men while they are dining around a long table. Some ideas are not ever likely to be enjoy­able in reality.

“Women are turned on by what is done to them, men are turned on by what they see.” (p23 The Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)

I have also found male homo­sexual erotica effective for arousal. ‘The King’s Men’ by Chris­tian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adven­tures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an histor­ical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860s. Well, I like history…

Appar­ently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfor­tu­nately, other women are not able to generate the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged in sexual activ­ities with a partner.

Women who spend most of their lives in a long-term rela­tion­ship (e.g. marriage) often never learn how to masturbate. Since men’s sexual pleasure is so much more easily achieved, a sexual rela­tion­ship tends to revolve around male orgasm.

I found that, once I had a man in my bed, any sugges­tion of enjoying my own orgasm through female masturb­a­tion alone, led all too easily to my partner wanting to orgasm through sex. A man should posit­ively encourage his woman to enjoy her sexual fantasies (if she has any) because enjoying orgasm keeps a person feeling young and sexu­ally desirable.