Shere Hite iden­ti­fied two main approaches that women used to increase clit­oral stim­u­la­tion and their chances of orgasm during inter­course. They either maxim­ised DIRECT clit­oral stim­u­la­tion by using masturb­a­tion during sex or they used posi­tions and tech­niques for sexual inter­course that maxim­ised INDIRECT clit­oral stim­u­la­tion caused by the penis thrusting into the vagina.

“… orgasm is most likely to come when the woman takes over respons­ib­ility for and control of her own stim­u­la­tion. You always, in essence, create your own orgasm.” (p52 The Hite Reports 1993)

Since direct clit­oral stim­u­la­tion is likely to be more effective, sex experts will often recom­mend applying orgasm tech­niques to sex learnt from masturb­a­tion. Evid­ently some women do succeed with trans­fer­ring their orgasm tech­niques from masturb­a­tion to their sex life but Ways Women Orgasm asks women to comment on how successful this approach is for them in practice.

“For many women inter­course is not the best way to get the type of clit­oral stim­u­la­tion needed to have orgasm. In these cases manual or oral stim­u­la­tion of the clit­oris combined with inter­course and other pleas­ur­able activ­ities usually leads to orgasmic response.” (p113 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

Hoping for someone else’s sex life

It is some­times implied that because someone else has succeeded with a certain tech­nique that we might all be able to use the same orgasm tech­niques with the same success. Unfor­tu­nately there are no guar­an­tees. What works for one woman will not neces­sarily work for another because we all have different personal back­grounds, person­al­ities and attitudes.

The over­whelming reac­tion I have had when asking experts about lack of orgasm is that I am expecting too much. Essen­tially, if you can orgasm ever then you are luckier than most women out there. The fact that a woman can’t orgasm when she wants (e.g. during sexual activity of any descrip­tion with a lover) is just plain spoilt. Others appear to assume that a woman who knows how to orgasm one way (e.g. through masturb­a­tion) should be able to orgasm in any other situ­ation (much as a man can).

Men’s innate level of arousal is usually so high (espe­cially when younger) that they orgasm no matter how they are stim­u­lated. So masturb­a­tion works (either alone or with a partner), oral sex works, inter­course works etc. etc. Equally, although standing can be the most natural posi­tion for masturb­a­tion alone, a man easily adapts to sitting or lying when with a partner. Women’s minds and bodies are not as flex­ible in the way they respond to stimuli — often we only orgasm in specific circumstances.

“Many males, projecting their own exper­i­ence, are inclined to over­es­timate the incid­ences and frequen­cies of masturb­a­tion among females. For the same reason, they poorly under­stand the tech­niques by which females masturbate, the anatomy which may be involved, the nature of the female’s physiologic responses and the part which fantasy plays in her masturb­a­tion.” (p133 Sexual beha­vior in the human female 1953)

Explan­a­tions for female orgasm are often too vague to be useful but even when they are specific it is not clear why they do not work for all women. For example, Shere Hite cata­logued a variety of positions/techniques that women use for masturb­a­tion including legs apart/together, rubbing against pillow/object, on front, on back etc. I have always masturb­ated on my front using my fingers to stim­u­late the clit­oris. Despite trying other posi­tions and vibrators none of them has worked for me.

Like­wise even though many women say they get their best orgasms from oral sex, I have never found oral sex arousing enough for orgasm. Inter­preting our sexual exper­i­ences in a way that can be useful to others is diffi­cult and it may be that each woman learns differ­ently how she can orgasm. This makes it diffi­cult to pass on sexual exper­i­ences to others because in the end we all have to learn what works for ourselves. Perhaps a woman learns only one way to enjoy the best orgasms.