Ways Women Orgasm

Intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm

Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal.

“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. … A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Love and romance make a woman amenable to a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.

After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…

Women need other compensations for sex

Sex is much more straightforward and easily pleasurable for men. Women’s sexual experiences are more difficult to interpret especially given the belief that it is ‘natural’ for a woman to reach orgasm with a partner regardless of the facts.

“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)

For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life. Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men but any woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not lead to orgasm.

Apparently, some couples have the ‘problem’ that the woman can only orgasm from intercourse with additional manual stimulation of her clitoris. Many men are unhappy with this because they believe that a woman should orgasm simply from thrusting. Women also feel inadequate because they feel that manual clitoral stimulation is ‘cheating’.

Couples need to be much more realistic about expectations for female orgasm. Men need direct penile stimulation for orgasm so it is only reasonable that a woman will need at least as much clitoral stimulation (which intercourse does not provide).

It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.

Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through sex as men do, women settle for emotional intimacy over sexual arousal and the sensual pleasures of erotic massage. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

2 comments for “Intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm

  1. vauldine
    March 22, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    New developments in the science! Really useful!

  2. Jane
    March 22, 2017 at 8:29 pm

    Amazingly some of the most comprehensive research into human sexuality was done in the 1950’s by Alfred Kinsey in the US. Kinsey and his colleagues talked to nearly 8,000 women over a period of 10 years ending in 1949. He concluded:
    (1) Men approach sex already aroused – women don’t.
    (2) Most women find the genitals of both sexes ugly and are not turned on by seeing their partner nude.
    (3) Most women do not orgasm every time they have ‘coitus’ (vaginal intercourse). Some women never orgasm during coitus throughout their lives.
    (4) Men usually initiate heterosexual activity with a partner. Hence female masturbation is a better indicator of female sex drive.
    (5) Female masturbation was used as the basis for observing female sexual arousal and orgasm.
    (6) By the age of twenty over 90% of men masturbate but only 20% of women do at any one given time.
    (7) Women who do masturbate, masturbate less frequently than men tend to.

    These conclusions were not popular because everyone wanted to believe that the facts were otherwise whatever the evidence. So it continues today…

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