Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encoun­ters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensa­tions of sexual arousal.

“Sex is a very different exper­i­ence for women and men. A man exper­i­ences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman exper­i­ences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex corres­pond to a gradual build up of tension. … A man’s imme­diate desire to touch and be touched in his sens­itive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excite­ment. In a sense, he seeks to end his excite­ment, while a woman seeks to extend her excite­ment to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Love and romance make a woman amen­able to a sexual rela­tion­ship but do not by them­selves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleas­uring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.

After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…

Women need other compens­a­tions for sex

Sex is much more straight­for­ward and easily pleas­ur­able for men. Women’s sexual exper­i­ences are more diffi­cult to inter­pret espe­cially given the belief that it is ‘natural’ for a woman to reach orgasm with a partner regard­less of the facts.

“Although there has been some disagree­ment in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accom­pa­nying manual clit­oral stim­u­la­tion is an abnor­mality per se, most sexolo­gists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinc­tion is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with inter­course, however, even if she is vehe­mently reas­sured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexu­ality (fifth edition) 1995)

For a long time, I found it diffi­cult to inter­pret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implic­a­tion that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to phys­ical) pleasure from their sex life. Orgasm may not be the crit­ical goal for women that it typic­ally is for men but any woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturb­a­tion, ques­tions why sex does not lead to orgasm.

Appar­ently, some couples have the ‘problem’ that the woman can only orgasm from inter­course with addi­tional manual stim­u­la­tion of her clit­oris. Many men are unhappy with this because they believe that a woman should orgasm simply from thrusting. Women also feel inad­equate because they feel that manual clit­oral stim­u­la­tion is ‘cheating’.

Couples need to be much more real­istic about expect­a­tions for female orgasm. Men need direct penile stim­u­la­tion for orgasm so it is only reas­on­able that a woman will need at least as much clit­oral stim­u­la­tion (which inter­course does not provide).

It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturb­a­tion. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.

Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through sex as men do, women settle for emotional intimacy over sexual arousal and the sensual pleas­ures of erotic massage. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is diffi­cult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.