Ways Women Orgasm

Investing in your sex life

Many couples, both men and women, find any discus­sion of their sex life intensely embar­rassing. This lack of discus­sion leads to diffi­culties in enjoying sexual pleasure and exploring sexual fantasies. Phys­ical intimacy may be lost if the couple has not invested in learning about enjoying sex play together.

“What’s the one thing that differ­en­ti­ates good friends from lovers? Sex…
Stop having good sex and you stop feeling connected to your partner.” (p207 Hot Rela­tion­ships 1999)

The discus­sion of investing in your sex life covers the following:

  • ENJOYING SEX PLAY: espe­cially over time, a woman can enjoy her own arousal through erotic sex play even if orgasm is missing.
  • EMOTIONAL INTIMACY: a woman is more likely to feel amen­able to sex if her partner invests in the compan­ion­able and loving aspects of the relationship.
  • PHYSICAL INTIMACY: given that the imme­diate rewards of a sexual rela­tion­ship have a strong male bias, a man needs to invest effort in making sex more rewarding for his partner.

The term emotional intimacy equates loosely to the word LOVE. The term phys­ical intimacy equates loosely to the word SEX.

A man’s desire for phys­ical intimacy (male sex drive) leads to commit­ment to each other over a life­time (emotional intimacy). A woman’s sexu­ality works quite differ­ently. Her pleasure comes from being able to excite a man. She learns that sex motiv­ates a man, initially perhaps to pay for dinner or buy her jewellery, but later to support her in the immense task of raising children.

Young women may enjoy exploring sex with different part­ners but ulti­mately most women want to be more than a notch on a man’s bedpost. They hope for compan­ion­ship, through sharing interests, a sense of humour and common life goals. So a woman offers sex to a man over the longer-term because she iden­ti­fies him as a worthy mate and a supportive companion.

Long-term sexual relationships

Sex is relat­ively straight­for­ward in the first 10 years or so. In long-term rela­tion­ships, sex can become limited in imagin­a­tion and spon­taneity, partly through habit and partly through poor commu­nic­a­tion. Over time, any couple who cares about their sex life will need to find new ways of enjoying sex play. This may involve investing in other areas of the rela­tion­ship first.

If your sexual rela­tion­ship has broken down, you need to start right back at the begin­ning. No one is likely to engage in sex as a loving act if there are issues in the wider rela­tion­ship. The first step in revital­ising any couple’s sex life is to talk through the general issues with a neutral third party (ther­apist). Rela­tion­ships only survive through a will­ing­ness to give, on both sides.

Events in the past cannot be changed but it can help if each partner acknow­ledges what has happened and appre­ci­ates how the other person felt about the situ­ation. Once the big issues have been resolved, decide together to invest some effort in the time you spend together gener­ally. Put off addressing any change to your sex life until there is a firm found­a­tion for the wider rela­tion­ship. Wait until you feel some sexual anti­cip­a­tion returning to the relationship.

“It’s important to see three points: (1) change is possible; (2) it isn’t his fault that he is the way he is; and (3) there is no better altern­ative.” (p192 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)

I real­ised that if I wanted my partner to support me in my ambi­tions for family (which natur­ally included plans for his money and efforts) then it was reas­on­able that I should be willing to contribute towards his ambi­tion for enjoying sex play with a partner. It’s important to recog­nise that men do not gain the same emotional intimacy from family life that women typic­ally do.

Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978−095689−4700 published 2011)

2 comments for “Investing in your sex life

  1. rawform
    January 23, 2015 at 10:55 am

    I think that for a woman to orgasm you have to stroke the biggest sex organ of all, The Brain I’ve done this because its more than just the act of sexual inter­course that I want I want my partner to feel as good as I do and to reach that sexual height where she can orgasm. That is the best part for me anyways I can’t speak for other men but I know if I cannot please my partner then I am not doing it right. Inter­esting story.

  2. Jane
    January 23, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Thanks for commenting.

    It’s important to realise though that men are not respons­ible for giving a woman an orgasm. They can help though by listening to what a woman wants and providing some addi­tional clit­oral stim­u­la­tion (or accepting that she may need to do this for herself).

    Women use sexual fantasies during masturb­a­tion alone but often these are much more diffi­cult to use during sex. A man’s use of images during masturb­a­tion transfer much more easily to sex because they are turned on by the naked body of a partner.

    Women’s sexual arousal works quite differ­ently and a woman needs to find ways of incor­por­ating her sexual fantasies into sex which takes a great deal of trust and under­standing between partners.

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