Intimacy with a lover causes me to feel affec­tionate but I am rarely conscious of any sexual arousal. Whether it’s sex with a partner, or masturb­a­tion for that matter, I am usually pretty much stone cold in arousal terms at the start.

I might conclude that I am frigid if it were not for the fact that I cannot visu­alise other women I meet approaching sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being more actively inter­ested in matters sexual than I am — in fact usually the reverse.

I cannot use my sexual fantasies during sex and so orgasm with a partner has been elusive by any means, whether by using posi­tions and tech­niques for sexual inter­course or through more direct clit­oral stim­u­la­tion, manual or oral.

The website ‘Go Ask Alice!’ is one of the few sources willing to admit that women often struggle with orgasm during sex. They suggest that women who are hoping for orgasm should use masturb­a­tion or oral sex because it takes women MUCH LONGER than men to become aroused.

“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stim­u­lated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penet­rates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue inter­course and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – some­times so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both part­ners the initial few thrusts are some­times the most pleas­ur­able because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stim­u­la­tion of the clit­oris is neces­sary to orgasm. Inter­course can indir­ectly stim­u­late the clit­oris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).

Sexual arousal depends on an appre­ci­ation of eroticism

A person seeks to enjoy sexual pleasure, in the form of their own sexual arousal and orgasm, as a direct consequence of sexual desire. However, women, espe­cially if they are unfa­miliar with orgasm, can enjoy sharing phys­ical intimacy with a loving partner, including being the object of a man’s sexual passion, regard­less of their own ability to orgasm during sex.

Iron­ic­ally the less inhib­ited you are the more disap­pointing you are likely to find real life because you over­look the simple things like nudity. Some­times people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ulti­mate act of penetration.

If we were all nuns we could prob­ably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal inter­course e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple part­ners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfort­able territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encom­pass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.

When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more inno­cent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people prob­ably make do with straight inter­course for a first date.

Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even inter­course is more arousing than normal. Try a blind­fold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.

As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal inter­course. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced tech­niques: TAKE YOUR TIME. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubric­ating and exploring with a finger. Inform­a­tion is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excel­lent on both of these.