Faking illus­trates how women are more concerned about keeping their part­ners happy or not appearing inad­equate than they are about reaching orgasm. Other­wise, they would admit their problem and try to find a solution.

Like­wise, the debate over which body part needs to be stim­u­lated for female orgasm arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm.

It is unthink­able that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.

Men deal with sexual frus­tra­tion on a daily basis so their ability to orgasm is vital to them. In relat­ively new rela­tion­ships, the novelty of the exper­i­ence is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regard­less of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority and he does not need the reas­sur­ance of his partner’s.

“In the begin­ning of a rela­tion­ship, sexual arousal is much more auto­matic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as auto­matic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repet­itive act within long-term sexual rela­tion­ships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by enga­ging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.

“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memor­able for a man is a woman’s fulfil­ment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies

Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite obli­vious to how women feel. Men have diffi­culty empath­ising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:

• They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies;
• They fear losing out on oppor­tun­ities to have sex;
• We often hold men respons­ible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pres­sured by feeling inad­equate; and
• They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed.

“Men’s illu­sions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereo­types become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemb­lance to the vast majority of real women either emotion­ally or sexu­ally. … Of course, the more exper­i­ence a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he real­ises how inac­curate the media and locker-room stereo­types are. He continues to hold on to his illu­sions, however, because he lacks anything more reli­able with which to replace them.” (p79 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)

Men may be more sexual than women but there is one aspect of sex where men can learn from women. Since women do not approach sex already aroused, they enjoy a greater variety of sensual sex play. Men are affec­tionate when they want sex but once they have had their orgasm they lose interest in touching or kissing. A good lover devotes time to pleas­uring his partner.

Men are either (1) highly aroused and focused on reaching orgasm as soon as possible or (2) having come, disin­ter­ested in any sexual contact. Men need to acknow­ledge that their sex drive works like an on-off switch. An ideal male lover should re-think his approach to sex and be prepared to build in some sensual pleas­uring around obtaining his own orgasm.