In the film ‘Doc Hollywood’ (1991) Bridget Fonda asks Michael J Fox whether doctors know more about sex than normal people.
This is a natural mistake to make because of the misconception that sex is a mechanical or biological aspect of our bodies. In fact, doctors are unlikely to know any more about sex than the rest of us.
Sex is primarily about our psychology and our emotions. There are recommended positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but ultimately sexual arousal depends on what happens in the brain.
Most of us accept sexual pleasure for what it is and only seek help if there is a major problem. This is why the vast majority of people who consult sex experts are men with sexual performance problems.
People who go to sex experts are unusual because most people are not prepared to discuss possible sexual dysfunction with complete strangers, especially when they have to pay by the hour to do so!
By the time I was twenty I had read loads about sexual pleasure and imaginative sex play so my difficulty was not ignorance of technique. Instead I wanted to know why (although everything worked by the book for the man) my body and mind did not respond as I assumed they were supposed to. As a well-informed couple, we had tried all the foreplay techniques in the book.
Sexual pleasure remains very personal
When I consulted therapists in the UK, I was asking: “How do women become sufficiently aroused during sex to enable them to orgasm?” After meeting with defensiveness and incomprehension over my concerns about orgasm, I came to realise that therapists don’t know the answer to this highly personal question any more than anyone else. Why should they?
People who qualify as sex experts learn about human sexuality through textbooks full of theories, laboratory research and detailed analysis of phenomena such as orgasm. There is no particular reason why female sex experts would have explored their own sexuality, either through masturbation or through sex with a partner, any more than the average woman.
We can all be fairly sure that a man knows how to orgasm both alone and with a partner. But many women have sex without ever knowing how to become aroused enough to orgasm. So there is no guarantee that a woman, even if she is advising others, knows how to masturbate herself to orgasm; let alone how to succeed with similar techniques during sex.
Some people claim to be unembarrassed about sex but only because they discuss other people’s sex lives. Very few women (even sex experts) are willing to talk about their own experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm during sex.
So therapists’ understanding of the average woman’s experience of orgasm is based on the findings of surveys. Unfortunately these can be highly misleading: (1) given the belief that orgasm is the normal experience many women assume they orgasm when they don’t; and (2) women often interpret their sexual experiences in the light of emotional rather than sexual criteria.
Lack of understanding means that women’s sexual arousal is still highly taboo. Even experts are confused when faced with couples who have unrealistic expectations. Evidently female orgasm is not an issue for the vast majority of couples today.
Hi Jane,
I enjoyed reading the various topics on your website and think it is great that there are more resources for women who seek to improve their sex lives. However, I am just curious how you back up what you say on your website. I am not asking this because I think you are lying, but a lot of what you read on the internet may or may not be true so I was just wondering.
Thanks.
Hi thank you for your interest in my website.
I have approached the subject of women’s sexuality through the basic skills of applying common sense and logic to real life situations. I have used my own experiences of arousal and orgasm as well as those of other women I have talked to. I have tried to demonstrate some of the truths about women’s sexuality (especially when compared to men’s) that we implicitly assume but that are rarely formally acknowledged.
For example, my story under ‘Sexual Promiscuity’ under the category ‘Sexual Desire’ talks about our attitudes to people who are less discriminating about who they have sex with. My point is that we tend to be more understanding of this behaviour in men and my suggestion is that this is because we accept that men have a stronger sex drive. Men’s very evidently stronger sexual motivation is strongly denied by popular opinion despite the overwhelming evidence.
I have spoken to a number of women about their sexual experiences and was surprised to find very few who were enthusiastic about masturbation. I then realised that I was lucky because I enjoyed reading erotic literature and not every woman is so enthused with even the idea of eroticism. Also, even as a teenager, I aspired to an adult relationship with a man that included an active and pleasurable sex life – not many women I spoke to ever had this ambition.
I have also read extensively and the site includes quotes from other published sources, where relevant, to back up the points I am making. For example, John Gray (author of Men are from Mars) states categorically that men are more sexually driven than women but he is one of the very few people who is willing to stand out from the crowd.
My own experiences have been crucial to my understanding and conclusions. For example, the fact that women use sexual fantasy during masturbation and that clitoral stimulation is only effective when used in combination with sexual fantasy. Initially, I thought there might be something different or deficient in my experiences. I paid out serious sums of money to be told that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that my experiences were also quite normal.
I came to question the authority of the experts because I frequently found that they had read less about the facts of female sexuality than I had. Very few people have read Shere Hite and no one was able to talk about her findings in the context of modern sexual relationships. There were no answers — I met only with defensiveness and old wives tales from the experts I talked to. I realised that the subject of women’s arousal was not properly understood by anyone.
I have used logic to deduce that women must also expect to use fantasies during sex because I have asked myself the question: If men have more testosterone and become aroused by the naked body of a sexual partner (my own experience tells me that women do not become aroused enough for orgasm by looking at the body of a sexual partner) then what do women use for arousal instead? Various quotes indicate that other women do use fantasy during sex.
It has taken a long time – over ten years. I have researched various books as referenced on my site, I have spoken to as many women as I could and I have also deeply questioned my own experiences. The next stage is to try and get many more women’s experiences documented so that we can have a better understanding. I don’t claim to know all the answers. I am simply questioning the contradictions that women are currently faced with.
Another thought-provoking story, Jane. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for your comment and support!