One great aspect of men growing older is that they become slightly less obsessed with their own sexual arousal and need for sexual release. Now that his own need for orgasm is less pressing, my partner is able to focus on my arousal and can bring me to orgasm through using a combination of anal and clitoral stimulation.
As a young woman I was never conscious of my own physical arousal and my body appeared to be almost inert to any stimulation from my partner. Sometime around my mid-thirties, I found that my body went through a remarkable change — it was as if I blossomed sexually.
Even intercourse became more sensual due to increased natural lubrication (still no arousal though). From time to time, my mind gets turned on now and I am conscious of the pelvic area behind the external clitoris being swollen and physically aroused (gross but true). For the first time, I experienced orgasm from my partner arousing me via manual stimulation of the clitoris.
These physical orgasms are different to those I get from masturbation when I use sexual fantasies. They are often intensely pleasurable but the increase in heart rate and breathing as well as the sense of releasing sexual emotions with the subsequent relaxation are all missing.
“Orgasms vary, both between women and for the same woman at different times. We experience different qualities of orgasm depending upon the degree and kind of stimulation we receive and also on what is going on in our minds.” (p76 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Men’s need for sexual reassurance
Experts try to reassure women by suggesting that orgasm is unimportant. Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, assumes that the whole point of sex is the sexual pleasure of orgasm (just as a man does).
However, ultimately a woman can live with non-orgasmic sex because women do not experience the same sex drive and consequent sexual frustration that men do. Men’s desire for sex is driven as much by emotional factors as by physical.
A man in his sixties, suffering from prostate cancer, was worried that he might not be able to continue to have sex. He was so depressed about losing his ability to become sexually aroused that he felt, without sex, life would not be worth living.
Male sexuality, including sexual arousal and orgasm, represents not only a man’s masculinity but also his emotional foothold on the world. A long-term sexual relationship fuels his ability to succeed in the otherwise emotion-less world of men.
Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal over the longer term. So some women do explore sexual pleasure because, like myself, they consider faking to be humiliating and they are willing to invest in keeping a marriage (and family) together.
Perhaps other women, who have made do with intercourse over decades, are more adept at using sexual fantasies. Perhaps other men accept a ‘lie back and think of England’ partner and use affairs to assist with their sexual arousal.
I told Bruce, the sexual psychologist I went to see, that in over twenty years of investing in my sexual relationship, the only orgasms I have experienced are from anal stimulation. Bruce, quite evidently thinking that I was being overly particular, asked unsympathetically: “So what’s your problem?”
“Anal intercourse is no longer considered to be abnormal and is enjoyed by many homosexual and heterosexual couples. As long as the decision is mutual and without coercion or guilt, most professionals believe that anal intercourse is simply another way for a couple to find pleasure with each other.” (p12 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)