Self-evidently there are ‘respons­ible’ aspects of sex as well as the ‘pleas­ur­able’ but sexual ignor­ance is of no use to anyone.

Young women today are more likely to end up preg­nant as a result of pres­sure from men or from ideal­ised images of moth­er­hood than from any hope of enjoying sexual pleasure. Providing girls with inform­a­tion about their sexu­ality is an important part of giving women the confid­ence to stand up for what they want in life.

It may be that a woman’s sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexu­ality can encom­pass more than this repro­ductive capa­city. Girls need inform­a­tion about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual rela­tion­ship.

Why would anyone want to discourage women from enjoying sexual pleasure? Unfor­tu­nately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men’s arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually asso­ci­ated with women facil­it­ating male grat­i­fic­a­tion than with them enjoying their own orgasm.

Lack of under­standing about female sexu­ality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clit­oris, either through female masturb­a­tion or oral sex, to younger gener­a­tions. This may explain the custom in some prim­itive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman’s clit­oris (grossly mis-named ‘female circum­cision’) by older women in the tribe.

Although some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stim­u­la­tion, there is very little prac­tical sex advice passed on by more exper­i­enced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about trans­fer­ring orgasm tech­niques to sex.

Sexual pleasure versus repro­ductive sex

Women can have a low expect­a­tion of sex because they lack know­ledge about female sexu­ality. Conversely, if women have the facts about the phys­ical and psycho­lo­gical aspects of their sexu­ality then at least they are in a posi­tion to make personal choices. Sadly young women are not told about the orgasm tech­niques that women use to orgasm.

When I was in my twen­ties, I visited my doctor regu­larly for medic­a­tion to relieve the discom­fort that accom­panied vaginal inter­course. I accepted pain as part of my exper­i­ence of sex because it was implicit that it was unfair to deprive my boyfriend of a sexual outlet. I also assumed that it was my personal failing that I could not natur­ally enjoy sex as my partner did.

A woman can accept a man’s love-making, regard­less of her menstrual cycle. This provides women with more flex­ib­ility in attracting and keeping a mate. However, just because we are able to offer inter­course does not mean that we have to. Unfor­tu­nately, it may be that men achieve the best sexual satis­fac­tion from thrusting simply because of the biology.

Oral sex or mutual masturb­a­tion are both obvious solu­tions if they work for you. Other­wise, on the basis of a loving rela­tion­ship, you can offer your partner non-penetrative (outer­course) sex based on his orgasm. This could include allowing him to masturbate himself (depending on your gener­osity, you could offer to suck him off or masturbate him) while you display your­self provoc­at­ively or allowing him to masturbate by riding between your breasts (if large enough!) or your buttocks.

“With my boyfriend of four years, we pretty much stopped fucking, because it just wasn’t working for me, and he doesn’t want me to do it if I don’t like it. He still comes, and I do too, and I don’t have to worry about preg­nancy.” (p104 The Hite Reports 1993)