Although I knew that women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturb­a­tion, when I approached orgasm during sex, I never considered using sexual fantasies to generate sexual arousal. The pres­ence of another person makes it impossible to achieve the mental focus needed to reach orgasm through fantasy alone.

“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The imme­diacy of someone else’s needs actu­ally inhibits the expres­sion and satis­fac­tion of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Exper­i­ence of Sex 1983)

It takes time but it helps to under­stand some­thing of each other’s sexual fantasies, what turns them on and what they enjoy about sex. As with all human commu­nic­a­tion, it is worth starting off with a low ambi­tion level before building up to major confid­ences. Some people are much more easily embar­rassed than others by personal or erotic detail!

Bear in mind that women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies. So a man can encourage a partner to be in a sexy mood by buying erotic but tasteful material to be shared together or for the woman to indulge in alone. Find out what kind of stories turn her on and buy her a couple of erotic novels as a present. Choose some­thing mid-stream initially.

Men often worry that if a woman masturb­ates they will miss out on sex. In fact, indul­ging in fantasies and orgasm is likely to make a woman more amen­able to sex and it can be a great turn-on for a man to know that his woman has come. If you can put your sexual ego aside, many couples find that they get the most out of sex by enjoying their sexual fantasies.

Buy some sexy movies but remember that women need more story content than men. Consider how to combine sexual fantasy (hers as well as yours) into your sex play. Start sex sessions with a sexy book or movie. Make her arousal the focus.

“What women want in a sexual rela­tion­ship: (1) More spon­taneity: all too often the sexual pattern is routine, preor­dained, expected. (2) More passion — and less urgency to have inter­course quickly. (3) Their man to have less preoc­cu­pa­tion with his own penis.” (p123 EveryMan 1980)

Many couples get stuck in an ‘intercourse-to-male-orgasm’ sex life. Bringing some variety to sex takes effort. Women can help by suggesting ideas that turn them on. Men can explore tech­niques for combining clit­oral stim­u­la­tion with other sex play, enga­ging in fantasy role play e.g. some playful bondage and offering some sex talk (telling the woman what is turning him on).

“But even when a man real­izes that he should delay penet­ra­tion, or that the woman may not want it at all, he some­times makes straight for the erogenous zones or the clit­oris, with a hand or mouth, ignoring every other part of the body…. Women need plenty of time in which to unwind and begin to feel desire and desir­able.” (p138 Woman’s Exper­i­ence of Sex 1983)

Once in a while, make some effort to spice up your sex life. If you are curious about sex toys, ‘Sex toys a play­fully 101 unin­hib­ited guide’ (2003) by Rachel Venning & Claire Cavanah (founders of Babeland.com) is an excel­lent book to get you started.