Some women are content with the non-orgasmic aspects of sex including the emotional aspects and sensual pleasuring. Other women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, hope for orgasm. It is highly misleading currently that society implies that female orgasm happens ‘naturally’ during sex.

Many women confuse emotional and sensual aspects of sex with true sexual arousal and orgasm because they have never experienced these phenomena through masturbation.

The non-orgasmic aspects of sex can be very pleasant but over the longer term they cause women to be much less enthusiastic about sex than men tend to be.

If we acknowledge that men and women stand to obtain different rewards from sex, then men can be encouraged to invest effort in other aspects of the relationship if they hope their woman will invest in a sexual relationship.

Young women may believe that the emotional rewards of sex are enough but over decades of a relationship/marriage the loving and romantic aspects tend to wane.

Over time a couple will need to invest both in their sexual relationship together (by exploring sex beyond intercourse) and by making effort to enjoy each other’s company outside the bedroom.

My fantasies are almost never about real men. Real men bring too much reality into my fantasies and I like to imagine surreal scenarios where I have control of the action.

Obviously I can’t speak for your wife. My impression is that women don’t have sex with men just to experience orgasm. Usually non-sexual factors are more important than whether a woman is able to use a man’s body directly to achieve orgasm.

Frankly, I would see any means of a woman achieving orgasm as a positive and that is certainly the reaction that I have had from experts.

Sexual fantasies are not in themselves harmful but, of course, where they lead may be a different matter. If you are worried about your marriage I would look at the wider relationship issues first, such as trust and enjoying time together, especially if the sex part seems to be working.

From an objective point of view, I think most of your site makes sense. However, at some point, how does sexual fantasy not get out of control. What I mean by this is that at some point, my wife felt she had to fantasize about other men she knew in order to have a really intense orgasm. We are open in talking about all this…but at the same time, one of these men was someone she saw everyday. Isn’t that dangerous if at times our marriage is rocky?