One of the reasons that adults find it difficult to discuss sex openly is because of the personal nature of sex. It’s important to consider how other people might feel as a result of what we say.
So men can be offended if it is implied that because they are enthusiastic about sex this necessarily means that they are less discriminating. Not every man has been with a prostitute, for example.
Naturally there are women who are promiscuous but this is more down to personality and personal values than to sex drive. They have something to prove but it’s not about enjoying orgasm during sex.
There is no value in judging people’s sexual decisions but only in differentiating between men and women’s motivations in a sexual relationship. These are likely to differ because it is much more difficult for a woman to orgasm during sex.
The evidence supporting women’s greater difficulties with sexual arousal compared with men are well documented. Nevertheless, it takes great courage to be truly open and honest about our personal sexual experiences. Anyone who does so makes an easy target for others who may not be so ready to put their own experiences under the spotlight!
It’s great that some women experience easy sexual arousal with a partner. But this is certainly not true for all women. It’s important, when offering advice, not to insinuate that any woman who does not orgasm during sex is sexually inadequate.
In over 10 years of talking to women about sex I have found very few who are willing to be explicit. The vast majority of women are offended by any sexual phenomena as explicit as clitoral stimulation or sexual fantasies. They approach sex through their relationship and assume that sex revolves around emotional and sensual (rather than explicitly sexual or erotic) pleasures.
“For most males, discussions of sex often provide some sort of erotic stimulation. They do not provide anything like the same sort of stimulation for the average female, and in consequence she does not have the same inspiration for engaging in such conversations.” (p676 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)
Women who are confident that orgasm with a partner is easy may want to consider whether we are talking about the same experience. A woman who masturbates appreciates how to take a mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation. If we are to encourage women to be more open about sex it is important to respect each other’s experiences.
I am specifically offering reassurance to women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation and who would like to experience something similar with a partner. A woman who masturbates (as an adult activity with the aim of enjoying sexual arousal and orgasm) is likely to be hoping for true sexual arousal from sex because she is familiar with orgasm.
It’s a real positive that men slow down a bit as they grow older (post 35) – older men stand to make better lovers! It is much more difficult for a younger man to focus on his partner’s arousal because his own orgasm is his top priority.
Equally the clitoris becomes slightly less sensitive and so a lover may be able to stimulate a woman’s clitoris more directly – still gently and over the hood though. Over time, the man needs to learn how to pleasure a woman using erotic and sensual massage. Even if orgasm is missing, a woman will appreciate a sex life that is more two-way.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)