If the male sex drive only involved a desire for orgasm, then men would be happy settling for masturb­a­tion instead of sex. No doubt a great deal of time and money would be saved but life wouldn’t be so much fun!

Men have evolved a desire for penet­ra­tion above all else because it leads to repro­duc­tion. Equally, most women have little desire to masturbate and are more likely to consider sexual activity solely in terms of their rela­tion­ship with a partner.

The fun of sex for a woman is being the object of a man’s desire. Her conquest is attracting his atten­tion and causing him to want her sexu­ally. Having caught her man, a woman needs to keep him by accepting his love-making and playing along with his sexual fantasy of causing female sexual arousal through thrusting.

As a consequence, sex is a soci­able affair and masturb­a­tion rates a poor second best. For men at least. Women who masturbate may disagree.

Men are much more easily aroused. So they have a strong genital focus in sex but a woman appre­ci­ates the sensu­ality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man). Women natur­ally have a lower desire for orgasm and ability to become aroused.

Very occa­sion­ally I exper­i­ence a strong sexual urge or desire to interact phys­ic­ally with my partner. Sadly I am frus­trated every time because there doesn’t appear to be a way to express my sexu­ality with a partner that leads easily to orgasm. Being the object of his desire is one thing but how does a woman use a man’s body to achieve her own orgasm?

Often it is easier for a couple to accept that the man goes for his orgasm and the woman simply comes along for the ride. Other times, when she is feeling turned on they may decide to take a different approach to sex by focusing on her sexual arousal.

How a woman can enjoy her own sexual arousal during sex

Sex, unfor­tu­nately, is not designed to facil­itate female orgasm, either phys­ic­ally or psycho­lo­gic­ally. So a woman has to learn how to enjoy her own arousal and orgasm during sex. Orgasm is achieved through genital stim­u­la­tion (penis or clit­oris) so a woman will need to ensure that she obtains more clit­oral stim­u­la­tion than is provided natur­ally by vaginal intercourse.

Some women find a suit­able posi­tion for inter­course that maxim­ises the clit­oral stim­u­la­tion the woman receives during thrusting, or she (or her partner) will stim­u­late her clit­oris by hand together with intercourse.

In order for genital stim­u­la­tion to be effective (to lead to orgasm) a person must first be sexu­ally aroused. Men achieve sexual arousal through erotic images but women use erotic scen­arios. So, if she wants to exper­i­ence orgasm with a partner a woman will need to find a way to bring her fantasies into her real life sexual relationship.

Some­times I am frus­trated because fantasy seems such an arti­fi­cial means of achieving orgasm. I want to get as turned on as men do by enga­ging in phys­ical sex play with a lover, so that I can share my orgasm with a partner. Sadly fantasy provides the only way for me to exper­i­ence the kind of sexual arousal that leads to the most satis­fying kind of orgasm.

Some women do succeed with using their mind-based fantasies during sex but others, like myself, find that the mental focus required to make such fantasies effective is incom­pat­ible with sex with a partner.

An altern­ative is for the woman to read some of her favourite erotica imme­di­ately prior to sex and as part of fore­play (man doing all the work!). A woman can also enjoy her own phys­ical arousal by incor­por­ating some of the ideas from her fantasies into phys­ical sex play with her partner. Sharing sexual fantasies like this often takes years and a great deal of trust between lovers.