Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy whereas women’s sexual arousal and orgasm are not automatic so unsurprisingly sex tends to focus on male sexual arousal.

A man’s orgasm (since it is usually co-incident with ejaculation) is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.

Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. Even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.

“…men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)

The fact that women masturbate less frequently than men (if at all) is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates men’s higher sex drive.

Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, many women cannot accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. The male and female experiences are so different that it makes it very difficult for men and women to understand the other gender’s perspective.

Male sexual arousal is much more automatic

Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. If she is to discover how her sexual arousal works, a girl has to make a much more CONSCIOUS decision to explore her enjoyment of eroticism and develop her fantasies.

So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.

“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)

Relatively few women masturbate and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex. A woman who does not masturbate cannot know that she reaches orgasm with a partner because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.

This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.

If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.

2 Comments »

1. We have learned so much about a woman’s sexuality and orgasm during the sexual revolution in the past few decades, scholarly research about a woman’s desire for sex, and more recently have witnessed the explosion among young women to sexually express themselves. The assumption that women do not orgasm as easily because they focus more on relationships and child-rearing, do not get aroused as easily as men because they come with a woman’s body, do not explore sex and the erotic the way a man does because she does not have a penis to feel and look at, is based on old gender stereotypes and cultural standards.

   Your views had limited society’s understanding and continues to misinform the public of the woman’s natural capacities for a healthy and high sexual appetite, sexual desires, and diverse sexual interests. Women are reported to rate sex life just as important as men (if not more), and be just as unhappy as men, if not more so, when it comes to a lack or decline in sex and sexual adventurism in a romantic relationship. Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons. A woman’s body, chemical reactions, and physical traits change when she is sexually aroused, just as a man, even if she doesn’t have an erect penis to prove it.

   I’m sorry, but I am highly offended by this blog that claims several myths that feminists have tried to refute for the last 50-60 years. Pardon my bluntness but your claims are archaic and reeks of phallocentrism.

   Comment by Anon — May 27, 2010 @ 6:09 pm

2. Naturally I am sorry to have caused anyone offence. I find it difficult to understand why people so often bring so much emotion to any discussion of sex.

   The sexual revolution occurred in the 1950′s and cannot possibly be assumed to be the ‘final solution’ for all time. It was a proposal that women could be considered more equal if they could be similar to men.

   I don’t see why women have to be the same as men in order to be equal.

   It seems to me that we have evolved as two separate sexes for a reason. There wouldn’t be much point in having two genders if our roles and aptitudes were identical.

   I am not saying that only men experience sexual arousal and orgasm. I am highlighting parallels between the male and female experience (eroticism is required for arousal and genital stimulation for orgasm).

   I am trying to talk openly about my experiences of sex (and those of women I have talked to) in order to stimulate further open discussion on this website to improve our understanding of female sexuality so that women can make the most of their sexual experiences over the longer-term.

   Comment by Jane — May 27, 2010 @ 8:46 pm

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