In the film ‘Shirley Valentine’ (1989), Pauline Collins plays Shirley, a middle-aged housewife. Shirley comments: “I’m not particularly fond of it – sex.
I think sex is like supermarkets, you know, overrated. Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little in the end.” (Note: this film was set in the days before supermarkets sold everything from clothes to microwaves!)
Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: “In those days everyone thought it was a case of – in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble.”
Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm. The implication is that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover.
It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse. Shirley comments: “They think they know it all – the clitoris kids I call them!”
We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm.
Modern hopes for fantasy sex
Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That’s just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the ‘success’ of a sexual relationship.
“In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don’t have a partner. … Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm …
On the opposite side, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it’s quite likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won’t try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.
Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (p2 Hot Sex 1998)
Women are likely to find transferring orgasm techniques to sex much more difficult than the experts imply. Although it is a popular suggestion that clitoral stimulation solves any problem with orgasm, the truth is that some completely normal women never orgasm with a partner by any means. Female sexual arousal is much more difficult to achieve with a partner.
Surrounded by unrealistic portrayals of female sexuality in the media, women often conclude that they are abnormal when they are, in fact, facing a very normal dilemma with sex and their relationships. Women’s use of sexual fantasies for sexual arousal is the most likely explanation for the different experiences of sex and masturbation.
This is a very insightful story. I have always found it hard to get women to be honest about what turns them on and how to get them to orgasm. In all my experience i can safely say there are only 2, maybe 3 girls who have genuinely orgasmed with me…I had a blast with them. It makes things so much simpler if a woman is up front about it, or at least some of it, since it’s different for everyone. It’s easy for guys to be ‘happy’ but it’s not really fulfilling if the other person isn’t satisfied as well. It breeds feelings of self-doubt, leading to thoughts of inadequacy and eventually trust issues. More relationships hit the rocks because of this than anything else I should think.
At a tender young age, my mother told me sex is another chore like doing the dishes. I refused to believe that and set out to discover it for myself. Long story short (another book perhaps!) I have had 2 out of body experience orgasms, amongst many smaller ones. The tension is important, yessiree. Those 2 out of bodies I believe is the essence of a TRUE orgasm. I was satisfied if I never had another one, as I considered them a 10.9 on the Richter scale, whereas all the others ranged from 2.3-maybe 5.6’s. I consider myself lucky to have experienced these two ‘events’, because most people may define orgasms as those only reaching a 3.
This is a great topic to share about, eternally interesting to get people to come out and discuss it like gardening. Then we all wouldn’t be so isolated in our own secrecy thinking everyone else has it better and something is wrong with us. Hurrah!
Women’s sexual arousal is taboo subject for both men and women because problems are blamed on both sexes. It is totally unfair to place the responsibility for female orgasm on men. A successful male lover makes sex more of a SENSUAL pleasure for his woman and LISTENS to what she says she enjoys.
It is worth noting that men also have to learn how to orgasm (reliably) and they do this through masturbation from a young age. Girls often never discover masturbation because their sexual arousal is much less evident.
A woman who is motivated to enjoy her own arousal (through appreciating erotic scenarios) learns to orgasm through masturbation (clitoral stimulation) within a few minutes (4 minutes on average according to Kinsey). Sex is about what happens in the brain and orgasm relies on genital stimulation so it makes no difference how long a man thrusts into a woman’s vagina — nothing will happen.
Kinsey noted that some women are able to orgasm but even in the 1950s it was known that women found orgasm with a partner more difficult than men tend to. The fact is that female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so sex is not designed, either psychologically or physically, to lead to female orgasm.
I believe we have to put as much effort into learning about our sexual selves as we put into the other aspects of our lives.