Perhaps it would be simpler if I explained that I am targeting women who masturbate regu­larly in order to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.

Other women can be totally convinced that sexual arousal is easy and I am very happy for them. But if you do not masturbate then you cannot usefully comment on the exper­i­ences of women who do. This is simply a fact.

Imagine that, as a man, you are comparing notes with another man who has never masturb­ated to orgasm. Presum­ably he has never had the urge to masturbate or perhaps he simply lacked the curi­osity to explore his own sexual arousal.

Anyway, the first time you have sex you are devast­ated when ‘the real thing’ turns out to be totally un-arousing. Then you learn that experts concluded decades ago that vaginal inter­course does not provide the PHYSICAL stim­u­la­tion that a person of your gender needs for orgasm. This makes orgasm highly unlikely even if a person knows that they need to compensate for the lack of genital stimulation.

There you are, with years of exper­i­ence of your own sexual arousal through masturb­a­tion, knowing that you have never exper­i­enced the same kind of orgasm with a partner. This same man assures you that orgasm during sex was always easy for him: the first time and every time. He confid­ently informs you that orgasm is simply a matter of finding a loving partner who knows how to give you an orgasm.

Much later, you also realise that without the ability to get your­self as aroused in your mind during sex as you do during masturb­a­tion (imagine here that instead of using erotic IMAGES you use erotic SCENARIOS), there is no means of gener­ating the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal that causes genital stim­u­la­tion to lead to orgasm.

So how does this other man generate the sexual arousal that he has never been motiv­ated to enjoy by himself? Espe­cially when he appears to be obli­vious to the need for psycho­lo­gical or phys­ical stim­u­la­tion tech­niques to compensate for the known facts of his anatomy and psycho­logy for your sex. How can it be that everything works for him WITHOUT HIM EVEN TRYING?

The answer is that it doesn’t because he has never aspired to the same exper­i­ence in the first place.

If a woman believes she has the same kind of orgasms that men exper­i­ence, then why would she not masturbate as men do? The problem with sex advice today is that women who never masturbate, advise women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturb­a­tion. This is wrong because you cannot advise someone unless you have more exper­i­ence than they have.

Women who know how to achieve their own sexual arousal have an unusu­ally high (for women) appre­ci­ation of erot­i­cism and so they under­stand that orgasm involves a release of sexual feel­ings, not loving feel­ings. Consequently, true sexual arousal relies on a person’s ability to appre­ciate erot­i­cism (images for men; scen­arios for women).

“Human males throughout history and among all peoples have been most often concerned with the sexual activ­ities of the female when those activ­ities served the male’s own purposes, and her solitary and even homo­sexual activ­ities have often been ignored.” (p136 Sexual beha­vior in the human female 1953)

Despite acknow­ledging men’s biased interest in female sexu­ality, Kinsey does not comment on the pres­sure that men inher­ently place on women by describing them as ‘sexu­ally frigid’ and in modern times as ‘sexu­ally dysfunc­tional’, not when they do not masturbate or orgasm through oral sex, but specific­ally when they do not orgasm from vaginal intercourse.

My aim is to reas­sure those women who have explored their sexu­ality both alone and with a partner enough to know that orgasm during sex is not easy. I am inter­ested in whether other women, who are familiar with orgasm from female masturb­a­tion, are able to achieve some­thing similar during sex with a partner.

It does not matter if other people believe that women can exper­i­ence orgasm without learning about their own sexual arousal through masturb­a­tion as men do. Neither does it matter that women claim to exper­i­ence the same spon­tan­eous arousal as men even though the female body and mind do not respond as men’s do. I am not trying to convince everyone.

If people want to learn from the exper­i­ences of others, that is their choice. If not, I am not in the least offended.