Ways Women Orgasm

Women’s sex drive to orgasm during sex

Becky explained via e-mail: “I had my first orgasm at 26 during masturbation – pretty late I know & since then no stopping me with the sex toys : ) . Plenty of my girlfriends have not though – and like you say, don’t seem too bothered about it which I can’t understand.”

Despite this evidence Becky was convinced that every woman must be interested in orgasm. Many women dislike the eroticism that helps a woman develop the sexual fantasies that lead to female sexual arousal. Consequently female masturbation is relatively uncommon.

Ironically Becky’s experience of sex was more miserable than most. “I’m 31 & have had pretty non-orgasmic experiences to date! Issues with vaginismus & then guys who can’t get their heads around that, hormone stuff, dry years & mostly casual relationships.”

As a sex writer, Becky got to explore sex with different men: “I’ve been seeing an escort for various treatments – yoni massage, spanking, fantasy play etc, which has really helped & just started seeing a guy who I think will be good for me so we’ll see.”

As they become more financially independent, more young women explore how they can enjoy physical intimacy through dating men. Even so women stand to gain less from sexual promiscuity than men. All the evidence indicates that most women who learn how to orgasm during sex do so only after years of investment in a sexual relationship with the same partner.

Becky told me: “I had a breast orgasm at the weekend – interesting as it’s never happened to me before : ) ” Becky still did not know how to orgasm during sex and had to masturbate herself to orgasm after her boyfriend reached his orgasm from their sex play. Regardless of her own real life experiences, Becky would not accept that men might have a stronger sex drive.

Women can be terribly naïve about men’s sex drive, despite the evidence. One young woman was passionate in her conviction that “women enjoy sex like men do”. So I suggested: “Presumably you masturbate regularly, get erections throughout the day and are always hassling your partner for sex?” She replied: “No, and I have never met a man who does all these things either.”

“Male masturbation has always been a secret from which women have been excluded. Even in marriage, few women are given the opportunity to witness it.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)

It is really quite disturbing that young women today are so unaware of the facts about male sex drive. Every man knows that past a certain point it is difficult for a man to hold back on his instinct to follow through on his sex drive. This is why women who ‘lead a man on’ may find it difficult to convict a man of rape and, in the UK, rape within marriage has only been a crime since 1991.

Society in our age of information claims to want to protect young people but there is a lack of willingness to be honest about sex. Women’s sexuality has been hyped so much that women often believe that they get as much out of sex as men do.

A woman may want to have sex for emotional reasons (such as a subconscious desire to get pregnant) but this is very different to the male drive to orgasm during sex. From their teens men have little conscious choice over their sexual arousal and they easily orgasm during sex whereas Becky did not discover orgasm by any means until her mid-twenties.

Male sexual dysfunction involves loss of sexual pleasure (through problems with arousal) but female sexual dysfunction often involves painful sex. Nevertheless it is implied that sex is always equally pleasurable for men and women. Women need reassurance that pain, discomfort or undue pressure from a partner are unacceptable as part of healthy relationship sex.

It is certainly possible for a woman to enjoy the physical intimacy of a sexual relationship with a man but it is much more difficult for a woman to enjoy orgasm with a lover. A woman needs to accept investing in her sexual relationship for her lover’s benefit especially over the longer-term. It would be nice to have this effort that women make in sex more formally acknowledged.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

8 comments for “Women’s sex drive to orgasm during sex

  1. James R.
    October 5, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    Love your post. I asked my wife about this recently and she said that meeting my sexual needs was like giving ‘a gift’. I like gifts but I would be even happier if she accepted the gifts that are offered as well.

  2. Jane
    October 5, 2017 at 5:11 pm

    Men need to accept that sex is a male pleasure. Women enjoy more emotional & affectionate interaction. It seems that men need to feel that women enjoy sex so that they don’t feel so selfish. But this is just male propaganda aimed at persuading women to have sex.

    It’s also much easier for men to offer what they want (sex) rather than offer what women want. Women want a partner who takes an interest in them, respects them & demonstrates affection without expecting sex every time.

  3. James R.
    October 5, 2017 at 7:52 pm

    Thank you. You are absolutely right. Its refreshing to hear it put so clearly.

    I also think there is a lot of propaganda about men not catering to the sexual needs of their partner. Ive heard a lot of women saying such things over the years. ie he gets what he wants and turns over and goes to sleep. I think most “caring” men dont want to fall into this category.

    Is there such a thing as a caring man? What does he look like? Have you met one? I think one of the big problems coming up is the effect of pornography on young men. Many of them dont seem to be able to function sexually because of all the extreme stuff that they are watching. God knows where this will end

    Just been speaking to Catherine. Her view is that she enjoys sex but….often the worries about kids, shopping and other chores often distract. She just finds it difficult to put full attention on having sex. And the drives are different according to her. She believes I would be quite happy to have sex everyday. Shes right. She isnt but is happy thankfully to cater for my “needs” using fantasy and masturbation.

  4. Jane
    October 5, 2017 at 8:13 pm

    If you look at any other species, it is always the male that is motivated to mate. The female is relatively passive. Intercourse is an act of impregnation. There is little sensation or eroticism from the female perspective. Intercourse is needed for reproduction but humans use it as an emotional bonding mechanism. Women can use sex to keep a man motivated to support her and a family over decades. Men obviously want women to enjoy sex just so that they can be assured of a sexual outlet. But women are not responsive as men are .

  5. James R.
    October 5, 2017 at 9:18 pm

    Thank you so much for this message. It’s really making me think. I think broadly you are right. My worry is where do males go from here. I really enjoy the outlet. The foreplay and the impregnation. Seems to me that many middle aged men are either turning to fairly emotionally empty gay sex, porn or prostituion. None of these is very alluring compared to some fun (one sided?) with ones beautiful and sexy loved one.

  6. Jane
    October 5, 2017 at 10:29 pm

    Try reading some of my articles on this site as well as LearnAboutSexuality.org & Nosper.com! I try to explain some of the sex play activities that couples can use to keep sex alive over decades. A woman can enjoy being admired. Change of venue & quickies bring variety.

  7. James R.
    October 5, 2017 at 11:04 pm

    Cool. Thanks Jane. Will do. You have a fascinating area of study. It’s a wonderful contribution to people’s happiness

  8. Jane
    October 5, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    Thanks James for being so open minded. Most men are so defensive & unwilling to acknowledge what women do for them for love. Men can show their love for a woman in other ways. Affectionate companionship and showing that they care.

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