Real female orgasms involve the release of sexual emotions not romantic feel­ings. So it does not matter how much you love your partner, orgasm will not mater­i­alise out of thin air.

Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.

“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagin­a­tion go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)

It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturb­a­tion but also during sex with a partner.

“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturb­a­tion to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not avail­able, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual inter­course.” (p416 Human Sexu­ality (fifth edition) 1995)

Some women’s sexual fantasies do not transfer to sex

Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effect­ively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is partic­u­larly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The pres­ence of another person inter­feres with the mental focus needed to generate suffi­cient arousal for orgasm.

Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. Our sexual thoughts do not rise as readily from the subcon­scious to the conscious mind as men’s do. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more diffi­cult to relate to a sex life with a real life partner.

Equally the imagery of phys­ical sex play does not assist with female arousal. To generate suffi­cient arousal to reach the heights of orgasm from fantasy alone, my brain really has to focus. Even a drip­ping tap or someone else’s pres­ence is enough to destroy my mental absorp­tion in a sexual fantasy. So there is no ques­tion of being able to fantasise effect­ively during sex.

“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychi­at­rist, explains also that ‘women prob­ably fantasize more and harder than men, because the tradi­tional idea of feminine beha­viour is a burden to a woman during sex. …

Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extra­vag­ances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’

By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds partic­u­larly arousing, and by exag­ger­ating it to the point of outrageous­ness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satis­fac­tion Guar­an­teed 1996)