Standing in the street outside a sex clinic on London’s Harley Street, I paused a moment to consider: “What on earth am I doing here?” Well, quite simply I wanted to know why, despite being able to enjoy orgasm through masturbation since adolescence, I had never felt anything like the same sexual arousal during sex.
Many women approach sex purely through their relationship. Sex fulfils all their expectations for a sexual and emotional act with a man they love. They never notice that something is missing from their lives. Not all women have this experience.
I, for one, was bitterly disappointed when sex did not deliver the easy arousal portrayed in erotic fiction. I also could not believe that I was the only woman on the planet to have noticed that sex was so much more rewarding for men.
Of course at first I thought there must be something wrong with me. Much later I came to realise that the explanations that would have helped me are not generally promoted due to lack of understanding about women’s use of orgasm techniques.
“The woman-in-the-street (most of us) still has the impression that it is ‘normal’ to orgasm from male thrusting.” (p49 The Hite Reports 1993)
I had questions from the very first time I had sex but there was no one to ask. Years later when I tried to find answers I met with embarrassment, defensiveness and silence even from the experts. This is wrong. Given so few women question non-orgasmic sex, experts assume that other women don’t have the same problem. So women who can masturbate to orgasm are offered therapy but few specifics to explain how women achieve orgasm during sex.
Sharing sexual experiences
By talking to women in everyday life I learned that my ‘problem’ was that my expectations were set too high. Like Oliver Twist, I was dumb enough to ask for more than my due. My naïveté was to assume that anyone else knew any better.
At best, other women accept that sex involves only emotional and sensual pleasures. Most never experience orgasm by any means. Overall men are much more interested in discussing female sexual arousal and orgasm than most women ever are.
Some women claimed easy orgasm during sex and yet they were shocked by the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal. Very few women showed any interest in enjoying orgasm and even fewer wanted to compare notes on orgasm techniques.
At the start I was just an educated woman with an interest in erotic novels and sex manuals. After over 10 years researching the content for Ways Women Orgasm, living with my partner for more than twenty years and raising three daughters together, I continue to be passionate about improving understanding of female sexuality. For more about Jane go to www.nosper.com.
Sex remains a highly personal and embarrassing topic for most people. I hope that my efforts will save other couples some of the difficulties we have had in learning how to make the most of our sexual relationship. If you think your sexual experiences can help others, either by reassuring or informing, please e-mail me Jane. There are some tips for doing this on the Contact page.
My eternal gratitude goes to Alfred Kinsey and to Shere Hite for their work on female sexuality; also to Sheila Kitzinger for pointing out that many women are not particularly bothered about female orgasm and to Tracey Cox for her enthusiasm for female masturbation and sexual fantasies. For modern wisdom on relationships I have relied heavily on the bible ‘Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love’ by Jonathan Kramer and Diane Dunway as well as the legendary John Gray.
Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978−095689−4700 published 2011)