Men tell me how convinced they are that ALL their partners orgasm during sex. But that’s kind of what faking orgasm is about, isn’t it?
If it wasn’t convincing then what would be the point? Men should sleep with women who are less sexually experienced. Virgins are much more likely to admit that intercourse does not lead to female sexual arousal.
Very few virgins approach sex realising that a woman might need to exaggerate her true sexual arousal during sex. Women learn over time to fake orgasm because men expect them to be moved by their love-making.
If my partner is keen but my mind is not tuned into erotic thoughts enough for me to want to engage on anything naughtier then we ‘make love’.
My partner enjoys vaginal intercourse for the full-frontal access to my body and the turn-on of penetration. Mostly we use the missionary position. Sometimes I lift my legs up and hug them around his back. Occasionally we use other positions for intercourse, such as, woman on top or doggy style from behind.
We both enjoy intimate kissing and sensual touching. I run my hands over his back and squeeze his buttocks perhaps pulling him towards me. I tense my pelvic floor muscles to squeeze his penis inside me, which increases the stimulation of his penis.
I enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when my partner’s groin grinds into my clitoris. I accept that intercourse is not arousing enough for orgasm. It is simply a loving and sensual act that I share with my partner primarily for his sexual pleasure.
“Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm.” (p73 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men’s expectations cause women to fake orgasm
It is men’s modern expectation that female orgasm should occur during intercourse that causes women to fake. After all, the phenomenon of faking has only arisen since the sexual revolution that said that all women should orgasm during sex.
Rachel Swift explains the problem: “There are many reasons. By far the most common is that we fear to display our so-called ‘inadequacy’ in not being able to climax. We are afraid of being labelled ‘frigid’.” (p172 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Rachel adds: “Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction.” (p173 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
The trouble with faking is that it is a one-way street. Once you have led a man to believe that sex is orgasmic it’s a little difficult to make a confession. If a woman hasn’t the guts to admit it first time around then she is unlikely to confess later on.
“The male obsession with orgasm leads 50% of women to fake it …” (p18 The Bluffer’s Guide to Women)
Even if a woman wanted to be honest, she still has the problem of how to respond during sex. Men want a partner to be enthusiastic for them to enjoy sex. A willingness to engage on fantasy sex play is what makes a woman ‘good in bed’.
If a woman just lies there then sex is likely to last longer, which is not necessarily in her interests if she knows that intercourse does not lead to sexual arousal. Many men assume that women will assist with their sexual arousal as a matter of course.
Women are likely to need to fake orgasm during intercourse because the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. The clitoris (as the female sex organ) is much more sensitive. Basically, you have to touch what works.
Hey that thing about the clit being more sensitive than the birth canal is an eye-opener for me too. You have researched well. Its well-written except that its so explicit that it feels like one of those fantasy novels. It’s also good the way it is.
Yes, it’s amazing that there is so little consensus over the facts of women’s sexuality. Unfortunately, the issue of female sexual arousal is highly contentious. Often we are debating people’s opinions rather than true facts.
My stories, unfortunately by their nature, have to be fairly explicit therefore indirectly erotic (though that is not the main purpose). Glad you found it useful anyway, Jane
What if the female orgasm was not considered as an “end game” but a stage in a journey of trust. It seems the most powerful emotive responses are those that are drawn from more deep seated, intimate connections. If men realized the more causal relationship between say a romantic dinner or weekend getaway to their partner’s emotional well being and sexual satisfaction perhaps their focus would be keener.
@Jane and Mark: I agree with both of you.
I don’t fake orgasms I don’t see the point. I have never understood why women do that, just to get done faster I guess, but we are never done until he is so I don’t get it.
Your article is well researched, very informative, and riveting at the same time. You have struck so many chords harmonious to my experience from virgin to post meno mother of two. I’ve always wanted to interview women candidly about their experiences, removing their names of course, so they may speak candidly. One of the things is that women tend to feel isolated with this issue, and although the man SAYS he wants to hear it, he only wants to really hear how wonderful he was and how satisfied he performed. We women are dealing with the ultra fragile ego of the man regarding his sexual prowess. They want to hear us scream in pleasure, not talk about what makes it so.
P.S. Of course there are exceptions, but I’m yet to meet one.
well try to explain
Hi, Folks.
Has NOBODY here at WWO ever heard of the female G-spot?
Faking orgasms? In my humble estimation, ANY woman who fakes an orgasm, for ANY reason, is a liar. It is also seldom if ever in her best interests to do so. If her male partner thinks that he satisfied her, how motivated is he going to be to improve his performance or his technique or to seek new ways of arousing and satisfying his partner? He is more likely to have an ego inflation.
If he did know that he had not satisfied you and did not seek to do better next time — if there was to be a next time — would you want to continue having sex with him?
EVERY woman who fakes an orgasm is not only doing herself a dis-service but her sisters-in-sex as well. Us poor, dumb males can only very seldom feel what it happening for, with or inside our female partners while we are engaged in vaginal sexual intercourse. This is because our own body movements and sensations do not lend themselves to feeling what is happening to our partner’s body.
With this in mind, may I suggest that you give hima little HONEST feedback along the way.
If you, as a woman, want him to do something to help you achieve an orgasm — or six — TELL him or ASK him.
I have had four relationships that lasted for 6 months or more. Either I was lied to an awful lot or these women were ALL among the 30-odd% who find it relatively easy to experience orgasms. Which was it? I guess I’ll never know either way BUT I did put a bit more than just my penis into our sex and love-making.
One of the things that constantly amazes me is that women DEMAND honesty from a male partner yet they will LIE to their male partners about having orgasms. Talk about double standards.
Just my 0.02.
You all have a wonderful — HONEST — sex life. Best wishes. Deas Plant.
Perhaps it’s worth repeating: it is MEN who cause women to fake orgasm. It is one thing to be concerned about assisting with your partner’s sexual arousal but what goes wrong is that men INSIST that women must orgasm as easily as they do from intercourse. If men approached sex accepting that female orgasm is unlikely but that they could use more sensual pleasuring/massaging techniques to compensate then most women would be much happier.
Sex inevitably involves political bias. In particular, there is always strong support for any mechanism that might justify female orgasm during intercourse. However, I have never met a woman who has G-spot orgasms. Despite all the hype, there is in fact very little proof that the G-spot EXISTS and even less that it is a GUARANTEE of orgasm for all women.
The aim of WWO is to encourage women to talk about their experiences without sexual bravado. Anyone who is claiming that female orgasm is easy by any means is belittling the attempts of modern couples to find logical answers to lack of female orgasm. The G-spot is just another red-herring that has sent thousands of couples off on a wild-goose chase.
May I ask how you personally achieve orgasm? Is it through G-spot stimulation? Why does everyone think it so natural that men and women achieve orgasm by completely different means? Anyone, male or female, alone or with a partner, uses GENITAL STIMULATION to take a mental state of sexual arousal (achieved by appreciating EROTICISM) to orgasm.
The key issue is women are just not as easily aroused as men in the first place. Add to that, the fact that male body does not provide women’s sexual arousal in the way that the female body provides men’s sexual arousal. This is why women rarely pay for any form of male nudity, whether pornography or sex. Female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so it is not part of Nature’s design for female orgasm to occur during sex.
A woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm. Unfortunately, masturbation alone is much the easiest means of achieving orgasm because of women’s use of fantasy for sexual arousal.
Deas Plant
Jane pretty much summed it up, but from a personal stand point your comment left my jaw dropped.
“Faking orgasms? In my humble estimation, ANY woman who fakes an orgasm, for ANY reason, is a liar.“
I find this as an insult. How about this, every man that has said he always (or mostly) achieves his partners orgasm during sex, is one, easily fooled, and two, caught too up much in his ego to see what emotions he is really misreading from his partner(s).
Faking an orgasm can have many motives. TV, Internet, On-demand, Music and national media has exposed borderline porn to everyone. This has put quite a struggle on women. We see these big breasted, tiny waist, and booty girls all over men with 8 packs seeming to enjoy themselves. REALLY? This is not reality. For the men or women. But because this is the perception we have given sex, women often feel the must live up to an often, impossible standards. Men have it in their heads that they can give women orgasms, and lets face it women hardly ever want to displease their man whether it be in their daily outfit or sex. So faking it comes in with fear; fear of displeasing their partner and ruining their sex (which I know I’ve had way more sex to please the man then to please myself).
From personal experience though I fake orgasm… on purpose and my partner is fully aware. Men need the “psychical arousal” and he is accepting that achieving my female orgasm is my journey , and I will include him when necessary. However I still give him a show of his life, with the weight of being a “lair” and faking off my chest, I feel free to get creative and dramatic with the reward of his pleasing (which I want to achieve anyways).
My advice for you, Deas Plant, is if your opinion on “faking orgasms” isn’t going to change, let your partner know before you engage that you find a “faker” to be a “lair”. And that it wont bother you for her to say well I won’t fake. Just keep in mind though without that “lie” you wont have much pleasing material to look at, she is doing you a favor not a dishonor.
–Im_ready
Thanks for the comment.
Just to say that I’m asking everyone to show tolerance towards each other and to keep discussions as amenable as possible. Let’s not blame each other…
I agree with you that women often fake orgasm because of the pressure that men put on them. This in part comes from the fact that men assume that women must respond naturally just as they do. They cannot imagine just how different it is for a woman.
However, men need to be careful not to fall into the sexual ego trap. Do they really want the woman to orgasm for her own pleasure or do they, in fact, want her to orgasm so that they can feel good themselves?
Sadly the truth is often the latter. I have only been able to enjoy a full orgasm from masturbation alone but not many men would be happy to encourage female masturbation. Men tend to insist that women must be able to orgasm as they can with a partner and this is the misunderstanding.
I would love to be able to orgasm just as a man does: just as easily and in just as many different circumstances. Sadly I have never been able to achieve this. Having a partner who is always pushing for the fantasy does not help the situation.
A man certainly doesn’t want a woman to lie there disengaged. Most men have come to expect/demand that a woman always responds enthusiastically and engages on her partner’s arousal regardless of her own. The answer is that it has to be a compromise. Men want wall-to-wall sex. Sometimes if the mood is right and the relationship is good, the woman is happy to go along for the ride.