Sex does not stand alone in a rela­tion­ship and in long-term sexual rela­tion­ships couples need to invest in quality time together.

The candle-lit dinners, soft music and flowers we tend to asso­ciate with romance provide the back­drop for the compan­ion­able aspects of a rela­tion­ship. Emotional intimacy comes from spending intimate time together by sharing conver­sa­tion, humour and friend­ship over dinner, while taking a walk or as you prepare a meal together.

“Women need to feel a degree of sexual intimacy before sex becomes desir­able… For women, intimacy some­times results in sex; for men, sex some­times results in intimacy.” (p15 The Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)

Men may have sex constantly on the brain but a woman’s mind does not tend to dwell on her genitals (or anyone else’s!) during the course of a normal day. So women’s sexual arousal is not auto­matic in the way that men’s tends to be espe­cially during sex with a partner.

How to get laid: you need to lead up to sex by creating an envir­on­ment that will lead to emotional and phys­ical intimacy and hope­fully sex.

Men are not a sexual commodity in the way that women can be to men. So, for example, we don’t refer to men as blondes or brunettes. We want a friend, a companion and, yes, a lover but someone who is inter­ested in us as a person as much as a body. Women don’t stand in line to see a man’s genitals.

“Above all women like men who take an interest in them.” (p29 The Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)

Sexual rela­tion­ships favour male orgasm and yet men can be reluctant to invest effort in pleas­uring a woman. A woman is initially flattered when a man gets turned on by her body but over time she doubts that he is devoted to her person­ally because his sexual frus­tra­tion is so apparent. A diffi­cult one for men but… try not to be too obvious about your own need for orgasm.

“A woman… wants more intimacy, comprising affec­tion, commit­ment, and respect for indi­vidual iden­tity… Although she knows he wants sex, she is frus­trated because this seems to be the only form of intimacy he is inter­ested in with her.” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)

Men approach sex with a genital focus because they are already aroused so they often fail to engage on the sensual aspects of sex. Since female orgasm is diffi­cult to achieve with a partner, women are more likely to be looking to enjoy their own arousal through general pleas­uring and non-genitally focused activ­ities. A woman hopes that a man will show his grat­itude by enga­ging on the more compan­ion­able and supportive aspects of the relationship.

In essence, women want to feel appre­ci­ated in a wider sense than just as a sexual partner. A woman is much more likely to be willing to pleasure her man when she feels good about the rela­tion­ship in general. In the longer term, a man will also need to return the favour by ensuring that the woman receives some pampering by including a more sensual massage.

Over time sex all too easily falls into the marital rut of inter­course to male orgasm. If men want women to be more amen­able to sex, then they should take the emphasis off orgasm (both their own and hers) and spend more time on sensual sex play, including touching and kissing. Also try to have some fun some­times by intro­du­cing a new sex toy or sensation.