Thursday, September 19, 2019

Why sex is fun

If the male sex drive only involved a desire for orgasm, then men would be happy settling for masturbation instead of sex. No doubt a great deal of time and money would be saved but life wouldn’t be so much fun!

Men have evolved a desire for penetration above all else because it leads to reproduction. Equally, most women have little desire to masturbate and are more likely to consider sexual activity solely in terms of their relationship with a partner.

The fun of sex for a woman is being the object of a man’s desire. Her conquest is attracting his attention and causing him to want her sexually. Having caught her man, a woman needs to keep him by accepting his love-making and playing along with his sexual fantasy of causing female sexual arousal through thrusting.

As a consequence, sex is a sociable affair and masturbation rates a poor second best. For men at least. Women who masturbate may disagree.

Men are much more easily aroused. So they have a strong genital focus in sex but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man). Women naturally have a lower desire for orgasm and ability to become aroused.

Very occasionally I experience a strong sexual urge or desire to interact physically with my partner. Sadly I am frustrated every time because there doesn’t appear to be a way to express my sexuality with a partner that leads easily to orgasm. Being the object of his desire is one thing but how does a woman use a man’s body to achieve her own orgasm?

Often it is easier for a couple to accept that the man goes for his orgasm and the woman simply comes along for the ride. Other times, when she is feeling turned on they may decide to take a different approach to sex by focusing on her sexual arousal.

How a woman can enjoy her own sexual arousal during sex

Sex, unfortunately, is not designed to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically. So a woman has to learn how to enjoy her own arousal and orgasm during sex. Orgasm is achieved through genital stimulation (penis or clitoris) so a woman will need to ensure that she obtains more clitoral stimulation than is provided naturally by vaginal intercourse.

Some women find a suitable position for intercourse that maximises the clitoral stimulation the woman receives during thrusting, or she (or her partner) will stimulate her clitoris by hand together with intercourse.

In order for genital stimulation to be effective (to lead to orgasm) a person must first be sexually aroused. Men achieve sexual arousal through erotic images but women use erotic scenarios. So, if she wants to experience orgasm with a partner a woman will need to find a way to bring her fantasies into her real life sexual relationship.

Sometimes I am frustrated because fantasy seems such an artificial means of achieving orgasm. I want to get as turned on as men do by engaging in physical sex play with a lover, so that I can share my orgasm with a partner. Sadly fantasy provides the only way for me to experience the kind of sexual arousal that leads to the most satisfying kind of orgasm.

Some women do succeed with using their mind-based fantasies during sex but others, like myself, find that the mental focus required to make such fantasies effective is incompatible with sex with a partner.

An alternative is for the woman to read some of her favourite erotica immediately prior to sex and as part of foreplay (man doing all the work!). A woman can also enjoy her own physical arousal by incorporating some of the ideas from her fantasies into physical sex play with her partner. Sharing sexual fantasies like this often takes years and a great deal of trust between lovers.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Have you ever wondered what motivates women to strap on a dildo in order to penetrate a partner? I for one really don’t understand why a woman would ever engage in pegging … What pleasure is there for the woman? It’s like women can only enjoy giving pleasure?

  2. OK I understand but that’s a lot of trouble to go to to give a man pleasure (presumably). What are the rewards? I’m not against pleasuring men. Male G-spot stimulation, fellatio, intercourse – if they want a penis why don’t they find a man? As a receiver of anal sex (speaking personally) I find that a penis is much much more pleasurable than plastic!

  3. What about the women who WANT to focus on their male partners and actively enjoy that? I’m not saying that women don’t like stimulation to have orgasms. I’m saying that people might like pegging for other reasons.

  4. Well I find it very confusing. It’s the easiest thing in the world to give a man an orgasm. Not sure I see where your ego comes from. Since time began heterosexual activity has focused on pleasuring men… If couples want to keep sex alive over the LONGER term they need to focus on female pleasuring.

  5. I’m sorry but I like facts! Even men cannot orgasm by putting on a dildo. Women need erotic turn-ons and the correct genital (clitoral) stimulation for orgasm just as men do! Surely given the man is the one with the penis – the pleasure to be had for heterosexuals is good old-fashioned anal sex? Anyway… I would have thought that men would want women to obtain more pleasure from a real man and a real penis than from a sex toy…???

  6. Again: FALSE. Sometimes a partner won’t come; sometimes both may not! Still fun! Still sex! “Correct stimulation” means different things to different people. We need to offer BOTH men & women safe spaces to talk about what sex means to THEM, not prescribe it to them.

  7. This is the difference between sex research and sex therapy (or should be!). Sex therapists need to keep their clients happy because they are being paid to say what their clients want to hear. Sex research (and reliable sex information for those who can deal with the facts) needs to present the realistic options so that couples know what is actually possible. Some people appear to have difficulty differentiating between activity that is likely to lead to orgasm and activity that is purely done for ego, money or rewards other than the obvious sexual ones.