Ways Women Orgasm

Women often assume sexual arousal during sex

Unless they masturbate, most women are unaware that clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm. Equally, they are unaware that before genital stimulation can be effective, a person needs to know how to achieve true sexual arousal, which depends on an appreciation of eroticism (images for men; scenarios for women).

From puberty onwards men’s sexual arousal (as evidenced by an erection) makes regular masturbation inevitable. Since women do not experience erections (of the clitoris) in the same way, most never learn how to achieve sufficient sexual arousal for orgasm either alone or with a partner. Consequently even those professing enthusiasm for sex are rarely able to display any real knowledge about how to reach orgasm.

After decades of marriage one woman told me: “I have to disagree with the comment of a woman’s arousal and the ease of achieving orgasm. Maybe I am one of the lucky women out there that is in touch with her sexual being. I get sexually aroused by my husband just by looking at him without his shirt, the words that he uses with me, and by the attention that he gives to me. Also I have I believe an easy time in obtaining an orgasm or two with my husband.”

Most men can orgasm within a few minutes. So is this woman claiming to be able to match her partner’s speed of reaching orgasm? Perhaps her partner is one of those one-in-a-million men who is willing to continue pleasuring a partner after he has come? Anyone who suggests that it all happens ‘naturally’ or that women’s arousal is as easy as men’s is, frankly, mistaken.

Women’s minds and bodies simply do not work the same way as men’s. If they did then women would pay for sex as well as lap- and pole-dancing as men do. The sight of a man’s sexual attributes do not cause us to become aroused enough for orgasm. Also women do not approach sex already fully aroused because our bodies are not full of testosterone.

Women who discover orgasm through masturbation in their twenties or thirties will often admit that they had always been utterly convinced that they did orgasm during sex when it turns out they didn’t. How can women not understand that orgasm is a significant pleasure? Not only do you definitely notice orgasm but also you set out with the intention of achieving it.

The facts of female sexuality are:

  • Women do not have the same levels of testosterone (the sex drive hormone) as men;
  • Women do not buy erotica or pornography as regularly as men do;
  • Women do not masturbate anything like as much as men do; and
  • Not every man pays for sex but many evidently do – most women never pay for sex.

When I talk about the fact that sex tends to be much more important to most men than it is to most women, I am talking about how we enjoy our own sexual arousal and orgasm. Women who disagree with me are only talking about the emotional (loving and affectionate) aspects of their relationships with men. They are rarely interested in orgasm at all.

A popular suggestion is that a woman needs a truly loving partner who knows how to ‘give a woman an orgasm’. Wouldn’t that be nice! It is a fallacy to think that anyone else can give us an orgasm. Even men have to learn about their own sexual arousal through masturbation. So how do women experience orgasm as men do without the same knowledge or practice?

I would love to believe that women understand how their sexual arousal works but the evidence stands against this. Most couples today clearly continue to base their sex life on vaginal intercourse despite the fact that intercourse provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Yet very few women question a lack of orgasm during sex. Equally, society still censors eroticism to protect women’s sensitivities but without sexual fantasies women are unlikely to discover orgasm by any means.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

4 comments for “Women often assume sexual arousal during sex

  1. maam123
    August 18, 2017 at 12:15 pm

    The woman quoted on this page opens my eyes to something called denial. Which I’ve come to realize I was trapped in for quite some time now. Women often have to struggle in a “male dominated world”.

  2. Jane
    August 18, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    I have been amazed at the sexual politics involved in any discussion of female sexual arousal. What has been most upsetting is that women are a much bigger obstacle than men are ever likely to be. So many women want to cover up or stay silent rather than have a discussion about true female sexual arousal. Look at this site – not one woman so far has contacted me to share ideas about how to orgasm with a partner. Even sex experts I have talked to get defensive and refuse to discuss their personal experiences. When I present the published facts they have no answer. I am told that these are just my opinions but there are plenty of people who draw the same conclusions (including many men).

  3. maam123
    August 18, 2017 at 3:57 pm

    My frustrated (frustrated at the fact that I couldn’t orgasm at all, not just with him) boyfriend had done his own research on the matter and came up with that most women don’t have the ability to orgasm till their late 20’s. I then declared my lack of orgasm as a waiting test.

    THIS IS INFORMATION all women should know and use!! This site gives me hope not just for a better sex life. In my opinion we are just as great, as intelligent, and as capable to do anything a man can, that includes enjoying a orgasm.

  4. Jane
    August 18, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    I certainly don’t blame men for women’s difficulties with orgasm. Most of the opposition I meet comes from women who seem to find it difficult to be honest about sex. Gradually women need to come together and be prepared to be open about how they enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm so that we can all learn from each other’s experiences.

    I don’t think orgasm is a right. Orgasm is a possibility that we can enjoy if we know how to become sexually aroused and we learn how to take that sexual arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation. This is what men do through masturbation and many women learn to do the same. The challenge is then to enjoy the same experience with a partner.

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