Beliefs about female sexuality are more often based on fantasy than facts. These are the 10 essential facts that every sexual woman should know:

(1) Enjoying orgasm through genital stimulation

Anyone, male or female, alone or with a partner, uses genital stimulation to take a mental state of sexual arousal (achieved by appreciating eroticism) to orgasm.

(2) The role of psychological sexual arousal

During masturbation men use erotic images (usually the naked body and sexual attributes of a sexual partner) and women use erotic scenarios (usually stories with a complex psychological context) for psychological sexual arousal.

(3) The role of genital stimulation

During masturbation men stimulate their penis, women stimulate their clitoris (the female sex organ) BUT genital stimulation only leads to orgasm once a person is mentally aroused. So clitoral stimulation does not by itself guarantee orgasm.

For example, even during female masturbation clitoral stimulation leads to orgasm ONLY when it is combined with the use of sexual fantasies.

(4) Fantasies can be difficult to use with a partner

Men’s arousal mechanism of erotic images transfers fairly naturally from masturbation (pornography) to sex (the body of a real life sexual partner). Women’s fantasies do not transfer nearly as easily. Some women find that mind-based fantasies are incompatible with sex.

(5) Clitoral stimulation can be less effective during sex

Men approach sex with a desire to stimulate their penis (via intercourse or other means) because they are already aroused. A woman’s challenge is to discover how to achieve sufficient sexual arousal during sex for clitoral stimulation to be effective.

(6) Some women do use their sexual fantasies during sex

Women do not find a man’s body or his sexual attributes arousing enough for orgasm, otherwise women would enjoy pornography, pole-dancing and lap-dancing bars as men do. Some women are able to use their fantasies during sex.

Alternatively a woman may learn how to enjoy a form of physical sexual arousal and orgasm during fantasy-inspired sex play with a partner that is highly pleasurable although perhaps not as sexually satisfying as orgasm through fantasy.

(7) Some women do use clitoral stimulation during sex

Unfortunately, intercourse alone provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Shere Hite explained in ‘The Hite Report’ (1976) how SOME women learn over time (often years) to orgasm during intercourse.

EITHER they find a suitable position that maximises the indirect clitoral stimulation OR they stimulate their clitoris directly by hand during intercourse. Naturally, any woman who can orgasm through oral sex is also able to enjoy orgasm with a partner.

(8) Confusion over female orgasm

Many women dislike the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal and so they never discover masturbation. They never realise not only that orgasm is a significant pleasure but also that a woman needs to know how to achieve it. Orgasms don’t ‘just happen’.

Often it is only women who masturbate who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner. Many other women assume that they orgasm from male thrusting alone even though intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm.

(9) Many women never orgasm by any means

Many women never orgasm during sex: not because women are dysfunctional but because sex is not designed to facilitate female orgasm either physically or psychologically. Female orgasm represents one of Nature’s redundancies.

A woman is fortunate if she discovers orgasm by any means. Unlike men, women are much less versatile in how they are able to orgasm. A woman often finds only one way to orgasm and unfortunately the easiest way is through masturbation alone.

(10) Enjoying sexual pleasure with a partner

Romance does not help directly with female orgasm but it may cause a woman to be more amenable to sex. Many women enjoy sharing physical intimacy with a loving partner regardless of their own ability to orgasm during sex.

Men approach sex with a genital focus because they are already aroused so they often fail to engage on the sensual aspects of sex. A woman accepts that female orgasm is difficult to achieve so she hopes to enjoy more general pleasuring with a lover.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. I contact you today for an advice, which I hope you don’t think is impolite. I somehow thought you’re the right person to ask. But if not, please ignore the rest and let me know

    I noticed that I am not free in my head concerning sex practices, doesn’t matter for one night stands or in serious relationships. Since my family never touched that subject when I grew up, I possibly have a kind of blockage in my head and that’s possibly why I missed “studies for fun”.

    “what if I do it wrong/how can I turn someone on/am I convincing enough…” Etc. Because of those self doubts, I feel blocking me from nice experiences and to be interesting in bed for the other one, since I am too reluctant to give it a go.

    Can you tell me, how I can work on that and to be free in mind, finally?
    I’d be so gracious if you could give me advice and I thank you already for a response in advance.

  2. Hi Daniela, Thanks for contacting me. I don’t really know what you mean. You need to read this site as well as & Sex is primarily a male pleasure. It is not natural for any woman. Women use behaviours to substitute for the sex drive that men have. If you want to pleasure a man, you should read some erotic novels. Women only orgasm through masturbation alone. Sadly we are not aroused with a lover by design.

  3. Hi Jane, thanks

    thanks a lot for your answer, I definitely will read your sites, because what I meant is that I am not able to talk about sex freely or going onto a (sexual) relationship without blushing ;o) even that it should be natural. I was wondering why and that there might be a way to tackle this shyness. 🙂

    And thanks again for your response!

  4. No problem Daneila! In over 20 years of talking about sex on the internet, most women refuse to comment. In every day life, I have met with defensiveness, silence & rudeness from women whenever sex is mentioned. Typically I talk to men. Just a handful of women boast about orgasm. This is quite normal I believe but very different to the official picture. This is the reality I am trying to highlight to reassure people. You have been very brave to talk to me at all.. I really appreciate it!