Beliefs about female sexuality are more often based on fantasy than facts. These are the 10 essential facts that every sexual woman should know:
(1) Enjoying orgasm through genital stimulation
Anyone, male or female, alone or with a partner, uses genital stimulation to take a mental state of sexual arousal (achieved by appreciating eroticism) to orgasm.
(2) The role of psychological sexual arousal
During masturbation men use erotic images (usually the naked body and sexual attributes of a sexual partner) and women use erotic scenarios (usually stories with a complex psychological context) for psychological sexual arousal.
(3) The role of genital stimulation
During masturbation men stimulate their penis, women stimulate their clitoris (the female sex organ) BUT genital stimulation only leads to orgasm once a person is mentally aroused. So clitoral stimulation does not by itself guarantee orgasm.
For example, even during female masturbation clitoral stimulation leads to orgasm ONLY when it is combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
(4) Fantasies can be difficult to use with a partner
Men’s arousal mechanism of erotic images transfers fairly naturally from masturbation (pornography) to sex (the body of a real life sexual partner). Women’s fantasies do not transfer nearly as easily. Some women find that mind-based fantasies are incompatible with sex.
(5) Clitoral stimulation can be less effective during sex
Men approach sex with a desire to stimulate their penis (via intercourse or other means) because they are already aroused. A woman’s challenge is to discover how to achieve sufficient sexual arousal during sex for clitoral stimulation to be effective.
(6) Some women do use their sexual fantasies during sex
Women do not find a man’s body or his sexual attributes arousing enough for orgasm, otherwise women would enjoy pornography, pole-dancing and lap-dancing bars as men do. Some women are able to use their fantasies during sex.
Alternatively a woman may learn how to enjoy a form of physical sexual arousal and orgasm during fantasy-inspired sex play with a partner that is highly pleasurable although perhaps not as sexually satisfying as orgasm through fantasy.
(7) Some women do use clitoral stimulation during sex
Unfortunately, intercourse alone provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Shere Hite explained in ‘The Hite Report’ (1976) how SOME women learn over time (often years) to orgasm during intercourse.
EITHER they find a suitable position that maximises the indirect clitoral stimulation OR they stimulate their clitoris directly by hand during intercourse. Naturally, any woman who can orgasm through oral sex is also able to enjoy orgasm with a partner.
(8) Confusion over female orgasm
Many women dislike the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal and so they never discover masturbation. They never realise not only that orgasm is a significant pleasure but also that a woman needs to know how to achieve it. Orgasms don’t ‘just happen’.
Often it is only women who masturbate who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner. Many other women assume that they orgasm from male thrusting alone even though intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm.
(9) Many women never orgasm by any means
Many women never orgasm during sex: not because women are dysfunctional but because sex is not designed to facilitate female orgasm either physically or psychologically. Female orgasm represents one of Nature’s redundancies.
A woman is fortunate if she discovers orgasm by any means. Unlike men, women are much less versatile in how they are able to orgasm. A woman often finds only one way to orgasm and unfortunately the easiest way is through masturbation alone.
(10) Enjoying sexual pleasure with a partner
Romance does not help directly with female orgasm but it may cause a woman to be more amenable to sex. Many women enjoy sharing physical intimacy with a loving partner regardless of their own ability to orgasm during sex.
Men approach sex with a genital focus because they are already aroused so they often fail to engage on the sensual aspects of sex. A woman accepts that female orgasm is difficult to achieve so she hopes to enjoy more general pleasuring with a lover.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)