Home Sexual Politics Modern sex advice The problem with sex advice today

The problem with sex advice today

The suggestion is that female sexuality is identical to male sexuality. Yet women don’t approach sex with the same genital erection (of the clitoris) that men tend to have so how can women hope to orgasm during sex as easily as men do?

Many women have difficulty with orgasm during sex but this is rarely acknowledged by anyone, least of all the feminists, who are blinded by the need to prove women’s sexual ‘equality’. Yet the sex industry only exists to satisfy men’s much greater interest in sex.

Anyone who earns their living from presenting women sexually through pornography or sex advice must appeal to the male consumer. Since couples’ sense of inadequacy over a lack of female orgasm during sex generates massive revenues why burst the bubble?

However the suggestion that women need a good relationship and a considerate lover to enjoy sex implies a difference. Also the suggestion that orgasm is unimportant implies a difference in sexual expectations because this advice is NEVER given to men.

Many women dislike the eroticism that leads to enjoying sexual arousal and so they do not understand why anyone would want to stimulate their genitals. Consequently experts continue to advise that woman’s psychological sexual arousal with a partner depends more on her emotions and her relationship rather than on any appreciation of eroticism even though this is contrary to the male experience of arousal and orgasm.

Since female sexuality (for heterosexuals) is not associated with genital stimulation (of the clitoris), experts recommend panting exercises or flexing pelvic or buttock muscles. The fact that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm is often missing completely.

Women are sometimes advised to eliminate distracting or negative thoughts (imagine needing to tell men to do this!) when approaching sex with a partner. There is no appreciation of how women can use sexual fantasies to achieve sexual arousal.

Some experts imply that women are being timid or bashful for not explaining to their partner how to provide them with the correct circumstances for orgasm. Any woman who knew how to orgasm would understand that, unlike men, women are not able to orgasm in multiple ways and almost on demand as men can. On the contrary, women are lucky if they find ONE way to orgasm.

I am sorry to be critical but it really does seem to be a case of the blind leading the blind. It’s almost as laughable as the scenes from ‘The Chicken Run’ where they are trying to teach the chickens to fly…!

Explanations for how women reach orgasm often miss the point completely. Sex involves our enjoyment of:

  • SEXUAL AROUSAL through an appreciation of eroticism (men use images women use scenarios); and
  • ORGASM through genital stimulation (direct stimulation of the penis/clitoris).

Women who ask about orgasm are told that they are dysfunctional but no one mentions the FACTS about female sexuality that GUARANTEE that women will have difficulties with orgasm during sex. How can every woman orgasm with a partner when most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse, which provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm?

Images of naked men do not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm. Instead they use sexual fantasies during masturbation. In fact clitoral stimulation is only effective during female masturbation when combined with sexual fantasies.

Many women do not identify with the explicit eroticism involved in achieving true sexual arousal. So although it is known that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal during sex this fact is rarely acknowledged. Unfortunately, some women find that they cannot use their fantasies during sex because of the mental focus required to reach orgasm through fantasy alone.

Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978-0956-894700)


  1. Hi Jane, I love your website and what you are doing.

    I will refer my clients to it. Please have a look at my website and let me know what you think

    Looking forward to your advice.

    Warmly Dr Jan

    ps I am featured on the back of Tracey Cox’s Hot Sex book – she got a lot of the ideas from me!

  2. Jan, I have taken a look at your advice for women on orgasms.

    I hope you won’t mind a candid point of view?

    Your approach is typical of much of the advice available to women today. I’m sure it’s meant well but telling women they ‘deserve’ to orgasm will only add to the pressure they already feel under.

    My site provides women with the facts of their sexuality as supported by the experts (notably Kinsey and Hite).

    Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm but much more importantly they need to know how to become sexually aroused. I recommend reading some erotic literature.

    Intercourse is a reproductive act and not intended to lead to female orgasm. Most women who do orgasm do so through masturbation alone. This is completely normal.

    Women are not designed to get the same out of sex that men do. Sex acts as the mechanism that keeps men bought into relationships. Women have other reasons to invest in relationships – primarily to provide a man with a sexual outlet so that he is motivated to support women’s efforts for family etc.

    Long term relationships are about respecting men and women’s different roles. In bed a man needs to forget about the goal of female orgasm and focus on more general sensual pleasuring – ‘love-making’.

    Sex was never intended to be equal – and no matter how much we’d all like it to be that way we cannot change Nature. Women do not have the same sex drive – motivation to reach orgasm with a partner.

    Kinsey noted that women rarely initiate sex with a partner – we don’t become aroused in anticipation of a sexual relationship. He also noted that masturbation was a much easier source of female orgasms than intercourse.

    He said this in 1953 but experts today are still ignoring his findings. We just can’t believe it’s true. Hope you find the above helpful.

  3. Thanks Jane

    I agree with all you say. I am very frank with my clients however in writing and recording it is important to be positive and affirming. Please tell me about your book?

    cheers Dr Jan

    ps in reading your story on your web – what happened next?????

  4. Hi Jan, I have looked at your u-tube videos on your site. You have a very pleasant and approachable manner.

    It is not clear from what you say that you are talking from personal experience. You often refer to passing on tips from other sources. My personal experience is that these are typically ‘old wives tales’. I have tried most of these suggestions over the years and none of them has worked for me.

    The problem with discussing physical stimulation techniques is the implication is that this is the only input into orgasm. Psychological arousal is much more important.

    If you are not psychologically aroused then you can stimulate as much as you want but nothing will happen. The other comment is that women talk about stimulating every part of the body (you suggest that pointing toes and gargling in the throat may assist with orgasm) but relatively rarely the clitoris.

    Men wouldn’t dream of trying to orgasm without focusing on the penis so why do women think it’s possible to orgasm without continual clitoral stimulation (up to the point of orgasm)?

    You refer to vaginal orgasms but I consider this to be an archaic term. It was originally believed that the vagina was the source of female orgasm and many women report feeling orgasm throughout their bodies including in the pelvic area. However, the source of any female orgasm is the clitoris however a woman goes about achieving it.

    I have been asking women to explain how they orgasm with a partner and so far have not found any who can explain convincingly how they do it. My own personal theory is that women who claim to orgasm with a partner are mistaken. I am more inclined to believe women who masturbate themselves during sex or orgasm via oral sex because at least these provide the clitoral stimulation for orgasm. My main query is how do they apply their fantasies and if not how else do they get aroused?