Ways Women Orgasm

How to use a vibrator to discover orgasm

Laura was educated and cultured but she also had a worldliness and the classy sex appeal that attracts the most ambitious men. In her early thirties, Laura told me that she had always been confident that she had orgasms during sex.

“…in regard to sexual responsiveness the female matures much later than the male.” (p126 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

When she was twenty-eight, a liberated friend told her how to use a vibrator to enjoy orgasm through female masturbation. Her friend was so convinced that Laura should try the experience that she took her to a department store to buy the gadget. If only we all had friends like this!

Laura admitted that this piece of equipment sat in her bedroom drawer for some time. Eventually when she was brave enough to try it, she learned for the first time what orgasm was. Laura masturbated as a means of going to sleep as well as enjoying orgasm.

Tracy Cox gives ten good reasons to masturbate including: “It releases tension and helps us sleep – a secret sleeping pill without any side-effects!” (p18 Hot Sex 1998)

In over ten years of sex with different partners, Laura had always assumed that she experienced orgasm during sex. It was only once she discovered masturbation that she found out what real female orgasms felt like. Despite the evidence of her own experience, Laura still believed her friends when they said that they had orgasms during sex.

Laura even believed her mother who said that she had never had a problem with orgasm. We now have more information and more opportunity to explore our sexuality but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Thanks to the pill, women today come to question their sexual experiences in a way that women who had children earlier in their lives probably had little time for.

Great sex even when female orgasm is missing

Having told me that she had never had an orgasm with a man even now, Laura went on to describe some of her sexual encounters as ‘totally amazing’. Laura did not see any contradiction because, for her, sex with a man was about personal chemistry. Laura got a great ego boost from the sexual power of being pursued by men.

It is easy for a woman to pleasure a man and the fantasy leads us to assume that it ought to work the other way around. When it doesn’t, both partners can end up feeling inadequate. Laura admitted that she felt selfish in asking a man to spend longer than a few minutes on pleasuring her as she knew it would take far too long for him to be able to arouse her sufficiently.

“During ‘sex’ as our society defines it both people know what to expect and how to make it possible for the man to orgasm. The whole thing is prearranged, preagreed. But there are not really any patterns or prearranged times and places for a woman to orgasm – unless she can manage to do so during intercourse. So women are put in the position of asking for something ‘special’, some ‘extra’ stimulation…” (p61 The Hite Reports 1993)

Laura still hoped that one day she might discover how she could orgasm during sex. Despite Shere Hite’s suggestion that nature never intended women to orgasm from intercourse, women today still have the strong impression that they should.

The advantage of masturbation is that a woman at least knows what orgasm is. Whether this helps with orgasm during sex is another matter. The only disadvantage of masturbation is that a woman is likely to realise that something is missing from sex.

It is wrong that women, who have explored their own arousal sufficiently to have discovered masturbation to orgasm, are described as sexually dysfunctional (pre-orgasmic). The truth is that they are only unusual for being more sexual than average.

What man ever concludes that he is dysfunctional because he masturbates? Yet we are told that female masturbation prevents women from enjoying orgasm during sex. This is rot. Masturbation is the first step in anyone learning how to orgasm.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

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4 comments for “How to use a vibrator to discover orgasm

  1. Tom H.
    September 23, 2017 at 5:38 pm

    Check out Carlin Ross! Carlin is partners with Betty Dodson. They do women’s workshops

  2. Jane
    September 23, 2017 at 6:59 pm

    How many masturbation workshops do you know of for men…?

  3. Tom H.
    September 23, 2017 at 8:39 pm

    Zero workshops for men

  4. Jane
    September 23, 2017 at 9:04 pm

    Exactly… It’s worth remembering that Carlin & Dodson are making money out of women.

    Most women are not responsive enough to experience orgasm. If they were women would understand that orgasm involves first being mentally aroused. If you are unaroused you can stimulate all you like but nothing will happen.

    What is noticeable about women who talk about masturbation is that they focus on physical stimulation techniques rather than erotic turn-ons. I suspect we are talking about different experiences…

    My conclusion that few women masturbate comes from the fact that very few women comment on the difference between intercourse (which involves the vagina) and masturbation (which involves the clitoris). I suspect that many women engage in sexual activity (both alone and with a lover) without aiming for orgasm.

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