The web shows just what an extraordinary level of interest there is (both from men and women) in suggestions for how a woman can orgasm during sex.
Just to give a flavour, here are a few tips from the experts:
- Don’t worry because orgasm is not that important;
- Relax a bit more and stop concentrating on orgasm;
- Try incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension;
- Rhythmically squeeze your pelvic floor muscles;
- Breathe deeply or pant to get oxygen to those tensing muscles;
- Arch your back or try a different position to maximise clitoral stimulation;
- Stimulate the lubricated clitoris for long enough to guarantee an orgasm; and
- Escape into fantasy to block out any negative thoughts or distractions!!!
I am not saying that these approaches do not work. Presumably they work for the people who suggest them. I am just saying that they do not work for me. Anyway isn’t female orgasm during sex supposed to happen ‘spontaneously’ as it does for men?
Shere Hite explained in ‘The Hite Report’ (1976): some women obtain the DIRECT clitoral stimulation they need for orgasm by stimulating their clitoris by hand during sex with a partner while other women find a position for intercourse that maximises the INDIRECT clitoral stimulation from male thrusting. Although this second approach is ideologically appealing, orgasm is likely to be more difficult to achieve with indirect genital stimulation – imagine men settling for a partner thumping against their groin!
The huge omission from The Hite Report (and other sex books) is that there is no acknowledgement of the psychological aspects of sex. No one explains how women become sexually aroused enough for clitoral stimulation to lead to orgasm.
Women use orgasm techniques (just as men do)
Many women (even those advising others) are uncomfortable with eroticism and explicit sexual behaviours. So although men know that their PSYCHOLOGICAL sexual arousal depends on an appreciation of eroticism (images of the body of a real or imagined sexual partner), women are often advised that female sexual arousal arises simply from love and romance.
Women are not even told that clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm. Women would need to be MORE SEXUAL than men if they could orgasm during sex without making use of (physical and psychological) orgasm techniques as men do.
Experts sometimes suggest that women should use their orgasm techniques (learnt from masturbation) during sex with a partner. With all the fuss that is made about clitoral stimulation it is easy to overlook other vital aspects of masturbation.
“Fantasy and masturbation go together like bacon and eggs and lots of people have one favourite that always guarantees an orgasm. Studies show more than 50 per cent of us fantasise every time we make love with our partner.” (p250 Hot Sex 1998)
Despite suggestions to the contrary, men and women are not only from the same planet but also from the same species. Why should men and women experience the physical and psychological aspects of sexual arousal and orgasm totally differently?
It is quite possible that there are differences between male and female sexuality relating to levels of sex drive, ease of arousal and the importance of orgasm. Nevertheless enjoying our sexuality through sexual arousal and orgasm involves:
- achieving PSYCHOLOGICAL sexual arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (images for men; stories for women); and
- (only once sexually aroused) reaching orgasm through PHYSICAL stimulation of the penis for men, clitoris for women.
Other sites promise ‘mind-blowing’ orgasms. Ways Women Orgasm takes a more pragmatic approach and offers the chance to compare notes on how to make female orgasm more likely through an appreciation of the facts of female sexuality.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)