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Emotional intimacy

Enjoying sex for life involves continuing to be thrilled by each other’s company in a broader sense than just sex.

It involves demonstrating affection by reacting sensitively to each other’s needs. The physical intimacy of sex (because of its highly personal nature) leads to emotional intimacy where there is trust and respect. Women perhaps focus on these aspects of sex more than men tend to given that female sexual arousal is more elusive.

Take a look at Luke Wilson’s role in the film ‘The Family Stone’ (2005), which portrays emotional intimacy very effectively and that’s without sex! At its best, sex can be a connection between two people.

“Men, remember, feel good as a result of having sex. Women want to feel good before having sex.” (p260 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)

Given that a woman is unlikely to orgasm during sex:

  • Relationships involve giving your woman some of the things she wants outside the bedroom if she is to be willing to pleasure you inside the bedroom. Emotional intimacy involves investing in the companionable and loving aspects of the relationship. Have fun together but not just in the bedroom!
  • Pleasuring a woman involves less focus on the goal of orgasm and more focus on general sensual pleasuring including clitoral stimulation. Mutual enjoyment of physical intimacy means listening to your partner and responding to her desires.

Sex tips for men

Intimacy can be lost in longer-term relationships if a man interprets every show of affection as a sexual invitation. Your woman wants to kiss you because she feels loving and caring towards you not because she has a hard on. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering but not when his own orgasm is so obviously his main objective in love-making.

Here are some suggestions if you are aiming for sex for life:

  • When you have family, insist on some privacy in the bedroom early on and be prepared to arrange and pay for regular evenings out together. Spend some quality time together but avoid looking for an immediate payback.
  • Be ready to acknowledge the effort your partner makes for your benefit by offering sex and be ready to give her some space from time to time. Look at the balance between who gives and who receives (a higher pay check is not enough).
  • She will not want to ‘make love’ to you if she is angry or exhausted. You can’t expect her to be amenable in bed if you are inconsiderate outside the bedroom. Decide which chores you can take on and do them without needing to be asked.
  • Be the devoted admirer: charming, companionable and have a laugh together. For a woman to be amenable to sex she needs to feel good about herself (sexually attractive) and good about you (wider relationship).
  • Apply the kiss test: full French kissing (sensual and loving) can be the sexiest part of sex. If you have stopped kissing as a couple, then revitalise your relationship and sex life by re-introducing some passion.

“Just as a man forgets feelings, a woman forgets her sensual desires and longings. The practicalities of day-to-day survival and living take precedence over their deeper and more sensual desires.” (p32 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

“This does not mean that every time I do the dishes, she is supposed to have sex with me. That would not be romance. That would be a business deal.” (p201 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978-0956-894700)