Enjoying sex for life involves continuing to be thrilled by each other’s company in a broader sense than just sex.

It involves demonstrating affection by reacting sensitively to each other’s needs. The physical intimacy of sex (because of its highly personal nature) leads to emotional intimacy where there is trust and respect. Women perhaps focus on these aspects of sex more than men tend to given that female sexual arousal is more elusive.

Take a look at Luke Wilson’s role in the film ‘The Family Stone’ (2005), which portrays emotional intimacy very effectively and that’s without sex! At its best, sex can be a connection between two people.

“Men, remember, feel good as a result of having sex. Women want to feel good before having sex.” (p260 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)

Given that a woman is unlikely to orgasm during sex:

  • Relationships involve giving your woman some of the things she wants outside the bedroom if she is to be willing to pleasure you inside the bedroom. Emotional intimacy involves investing in the companionable and loving aspects of the relationship. Have fun together but not just in the bedroom!
  • Pleasuring a woman involves less focus on the goal of orgasm and more focus on general sensual pleasuring including clitoral stimulation. Mutual enjoyment of physical intimacy means listening to your partner and responding to her desires.

Sex tips for men

Intimacy can be lost in longer-term relationships if a man interprets every show of affection as a sexual invitation. Your woman wants to kiss you because she feels loving and caring towards you not because she has a hard on. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering but not when his own orgasm is so obviously his main objective in love-making.

Here are some suggestions if you are aiming for sex for life:

  • When you have family, insist on some privacy in the bedroom early on and be prepared to arrange and pay for regular evenings out together. Spend some quality time together but avoid looking for an immediate payback.
  • Be ready to acknowledge the effort your partner makes for your benefit by offering sex and be ready to give her some space from time to time. Look at the balance between who gives and who receives (a higher pay check is not enough).
  • She will not want to ‘make love’ to you if she is angry or exhausted. You can’t expect her to be amenable in bed if you are inconsiderate outside the bedroom. Decide which chores you can take on and do them without needing to be asked.
  • Be the devoted admirer: charming, companionable and have a laugh together. For a woman to be amenable to sex she needs to feel good about herself (sexually attractive) and good about you (wider relationship).
  • Apply the kiss test: full French kissing (sensual and loving) can be the sexiest part of sex. If you have stopped kissing as a couple, then revitalise your relationship and sex life by re-introducing some passion.

“Just as a man forgets feelings, a woman forgets her sensual desires and longings. The practicalities of day-to-day survival and living take precedence over their deeper and more sensual desires.” (p32 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

“This does not mean that every time I do the dishes, she is supposed to have sex with me. That would not be romance. That would be a business deal.” (p201 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. I agree that there is still a ridiculous stigma around women enjoying sex. It makes me very sad. I enjoy sex. Like, a lot. I’m not able to speak for single women, as I am in a monogamous LTR, but sure, sex CAN be better with someone you love and have an emotional bond with but I think that is changing though. I hope (it rings true for me anyway)that women are more able to embrace their sexuality with AND without a partner. I also hope more women are able to talk about it openly, so the ignorance can stop holding back pleasure, confidence and happiness

  2. ‏I am saying that women mistake emotional sensations for orgasm. Especially young women. Very few women are willing to comment on any aspect of sex or orgasm. But those who are ignorant of the facts and inexperienced often think that orgasm is possible with a lover.

  3. not necessarily! I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that if someone cares about you, they care about what you like and dont like. I happen to love the physical aspects of sex. The way my partner smells turns me on, the sensation of his hands on my skin, the sounds we both make when we are intimate, just his voice is often enough to get me excited. It all turns me on. It is such a real, human activity that FEELS good and is so good for you!

  4. Nothing wrong with all that but these are emotional and sensual sensations. Not erotic. You should read some male homosexual literature to see how men are aroused. Orgasm is a response to eroticism. But women are not aroused as men are.

    The issue is expectations. Those with low expectations are easily content. But when a woman has the experience of orgasm from masturbation, sex is a great disappointment. Older women tend to come to realise that sex is largely a male pleasure. But enjoy it while you can!

  5. I agree with the first half of this statement. 100%. BUT that “orgasm myth” bullshit is a hindrance to women’s sexuality. They are taught that it is “nearly impossible” for a man to get them off, so it is ok that they dont even try. What I do not agree with is – “older women” realizing sex is largely a male pleasure. The older I get, the more I realize that it simply is not true. The older I get, the more sexually empowered I feel and more often able to ask for what I want, or what I want to try with little embarrassment.

  6. When you talk about sex, you need to be explicit. You need to specify the physical stimulation and the psychological triggers for orgasm. Indeed you need to specify whether you are talking about orgasm or just ‘enjoying’ sex. Young women enjoy sex for emotional reasons …

  7. LMAO. I have read my fair share of male homosexual literature. I mean, I guess I just don’t agree with the blanket statement that women dont get aroused. I get turned on watching porn, or reading a filthy story, how is that not erotic? I also think focusing so much on the orgasm being the only goal is counter-productive. Sex doesn’t always end with orgasm, for women OR men. I can tell you, we have passed out satisfied and spent without even having orgasms.