Women do not seek out relationships with men purely to enjoy orgasm. This is just as well because women’s sexual arousal tends to be elusive, especially with a partner. What a woman does with this knowledge is up to her.
“Most women who masturbate experience orgasm. More have orgasm with masturbation than in sex with a partner and these orgasms are often much more powerful than those experienced with lovemaking.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
The most positive attitude is to approach a sexual relationship with enthusiasm and a sense of fun. Trust is needed for both partners to be able to talk about their sexual fantasies. Orgasm is only one aspect of enjoying sexual pleasure together and is much less rewarding if other sensual and loving sex play is missing.
“Most couples who rate their sex lives highly say they are proactive in sex. They think about when, where and how they’ll have it and think up new things to try.” (p239 Hot Relationships 1999)
Ways Women Orgasm is for couples who want to share ideas on enjoying sexual pleasure together, within the context of a healthy relationship and appropriate contraception. Good sex relies on the willingness of both partners to invest effort in open communication and contemplating new ideas. It is assumed that couples are informed about the basic sexual facts.
“In summary, since intercourse has been defined as the basic form of sexuality, and the only natural, healthy, and moral form of physical contact, it has automatically been assumed that this is when women should orgasm.” (p42 The Hite Reports 1993)
How women can enjoy sexual pleasure
Consider new ways of enjoying your own sexual arousal. Forget about the goal of orgasm and focus on erotic and sensual sexual pleasure.
Here are some suggestions:
- Take your man shopping and get him some sexy clothes. Book an evening out together and have sex before you go out.
- Prepare for sex by having a towel and waterproof sheet to protect the bed. This means that you don’t have to worry about marking the sheets and you can also use baby oil or other lubricant freely.
- Offer your man a ‘quickie’ now and then (standing up or bending over perhaps in the shower or by the bed). This is pure male gratification but he can always pay you back later!
- Turn the tables on the sexual stereotypes. Think of your man as your sex toy. What would you like to do with a man who was at your beck and call? Do things the way you want to and just call on him when you feel you need him.
Many women never discover how to orgasm so be grateful for what you have! I had always assumed that sex should be, at least eventually, comparable with female masturbation. I have since concluded that for me the two are quite separate experiences.
During sex, I enjoy the eroticism of penetrative sex and the opportunity to explore with my partner how we can bring some variety to our sex life. When I am in the mood, I enjoy the pleasures of my own sexual arousal as my partner stimulates me. During masturbation, I enjoy the eroticism of sexual fantasies and the sensations of release and relaxation that come with orgasm.
I make the best of the pleasures that there are. Both experiences are very pleasurable; just in a different way. It may be that how we enjoy our best orgasms is unique to ourselves. It is worth mentioning that I only became aware of my own physical sexual arousal during sex from around my mid-thirties when my body reacted more favourably to being stimulated by my partner.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)