How a woman can learn to masturbate

If a woman is open-minded to the idea of exploring eroticism, she should start by reading some erotic literature. I suggest:

  • ‘Emmanuelle’ by Emmanuelle Arsan: relates the sexual adventures of young women;
  • ‘The Happy Hooker’ by Xaviera Hollander: describes the author’s experiences of pleasuring men as a high-class prostitute and the madam of a brothel; and
  • ‘The Story of O’ by Pauline Reage: describes a fantasy castle setting where men use women for their pleasure (includes sadism). Remember not to judge – this is fantasy!

I read these books while still a teenager and I am confident that any heterosexual woman should be able to enjoy at least some of the explicitly sexual scenarios.

Read these books in private; preferably when the house is empty. After reading a book, return to the sections that you found most arousing. Try to imagine yourself in the title role. Then spend some private time perhaps on the bed gently touching your clitoral/vulva area while reading the most arousing passages or while re-living them in your mind.

Forget about your body to start with and focus on what is happening in your mind. Physical stimulation is used to bring a mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm. So if you are not mentally turned on then don’t bother with any physical stimulation. There’s no point.

“To masturbate, fantasizing, or getting into an aroused state mentally is important. Also, for me, being alone is important. I use the tips of my fingers for actual stimulation, but it’s better to start with patting motions or light rubbing motions over the general area.” (p81 The Hite Report 1976)

Find a comfortable position (women masturbate in various positions) and explore gently stimulating your vulva and over the clitoral hood. Some women use a pillow, or other object or just their fingers. When I first learned how to masturbate, I would rub my vulva through my underwear. Later I enjoyed more focused clitoral stimulation by using my fingers directly on the skin.

Lying face down, with my eyes shut, I move my hips gently from side to side with my fingers positioned over my vulva. I tense my pelvic muscles slightly. As the intensity of focus on fantasy increases my sense of arousal, my fingers press more firmly into the clitoral area.

If all else fails then buy a vibrator.

A man needs to allow his woman privacy and to avoid interrogating her afterwards. To enjoy our own sexual arousal we need to feel free to explore our sexual fantasies. This is difficult if we have to justify them to someone else later. Just think how you would feel! Remember also that a man would probably always choose sex over masturbation. It’s different for a woman who only enjoys orgasm through masturbation alone: she doesn’t necessarily want to be interrupted by an enthusiastic partner!

The women who replied to Shere Hite’s questionnaire in 1976 described their experience of female masturbation as follows:

  • 73% – stimulate their clitoral/vulva area with hand while lying on their back
  • 5.5% – stimulate their clitoral/vulva area with hand while lying on their front
  • 4% – press their clitoral/vulva area against a soft object e.g. pillow
  • 3% – press thighs together rhythmically
  • 1.5% – water massage of clitoral/vulva area
  • 11% – women who masturbate in more than one of above ways

So once again, I’m a freak – well in the 5% category! Why be like everyone else? Women are most usually depicted masturbating on their backs so that any audience can see what they are doing. So, is it that most women say they masturbate on their backs because they do or is it that they imagine that this is how a woman should masturbate? One wonders…

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

3 COMMENTS

  1. Hi Jane, I usually recommend the book of Dr. Lonny Barbach for women who want to learn how to connect to their own sexuality and be able to reach an orgasm with themselves in order to be able to direct their partners how to help them reach an orgasm when they are having outer-course and/or intercourse

    You can also use the site OMG yes as part of this learning experience for these women

  2. The book has some of the exercises that I tell my patients to do as part of their exploration. Masturbation comes with a lot of social taboos and that explains why women are reluctant to talk about such matters