One of the miscon­cep­tions of the sexual revolu­tion was the proposal that, for men and women to be equal, they had to be the same. But testosterone is the sex hormone. Men’s bodies are full of it but women have much lower levels of testosterone.

Attrib­utes tradi­tion­ally considered feminine (e.g. being passive or accom­mod­ating) were thought to be signs of weak­ness or inferi­ority. Whereas tradi­tion­ally mascu­line attrib­utes (e.g. being assertive or dominant) were thought to be signs of strength or superiority.

This is a very natural male view of the world but many young and inde­pendent women also iden­ti­fied with the mascu­line perspective. So it was implied that all women, whatever their aspir­a­tions or exper­i­ence, should aspire to these more mascu­line char­ac­ter­istics and goals.

Sex is funda­ment­ally about male sex drive. A man’s erect penis is the symbol of this hormonal drive to thrust until ejac­u­la­tion. If women have a repro­ductive drive at all then it is an emotional drive to raise their chil­dren. They certainly do not have the same biolo­gical drive to reach orgasm during sex that men experience.

Boys learn during puberty to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturb­a­tion. A girl also finds a new interest in the opposite sex but this interest revolves around a self-consciousness about how desir­able she might be to men. Consequently, we frequently confuse women’s sexual desire with a woman’s ability to provoke a sexual response in a man.

Women’s sexual fantasies often include an element of domin­a­tion. It is fash­ion­able to inter­pret such negative images as indic­ative of guilt or inhib­i­tion. I see it differ­ently. When a sexual partner takes control we have the pleasure of feeling that we are the object of their desire. Many men would not object if their woman took a more assertive role by indic­ating her sexual desires.

I am told that women ‘enjoy’ sex or even ‘love’ sex (and why not for heaven’s sake?) but then they talk of affec­tion. It is not clear much of the time whether women under­stand that true sexual arousal has to stem from some ‘naughty’ thought or act.

One female sex expert explained her belief that ‘good sex’ relies on emotional and sensual (rather than directly erotic) criteria: “…What I know about how people get turned on and have great sex together that includes orgasm is their connec­tion, their emotions, and sensual exper­i­ences whether it’s visual looking at each other, enjoying various phys­ical sensual activities.”

True sexual desire involves our motiv­a­tion to enjoy our sexual arousal and orgasm by appre­ci­ating aspects of erot­i­cism, by discov­ering masturb­a­tion alone and by initi­ating sexual activity with a partner. Women have lower sexual desire (sex drive) and exper­i­ence much lower levels of sexual arousal than men which is why many women dislike erot­i­cism and never masturbate.

The vast majority of women find almost any form of erot­i­cism objec­tion­able. Equally a woman has much more conscious control over whether she indulges in the erotic thoughts that might lead to enjoying her own sexual arousal and orgasm.

Initially, a young man is so driven by his own need to bring his state of sexual arousal to orgasm that he has little band­width for concerns about his partner’s arousal. The truth is that men often assume that their partner exper­i­ences orgasm: either they rely on their partner’s say-so or they assume that women’s minds and bodies respond to sexual stimuli much as men’s do.

More exper­i­enced men come to appre­ciate that having an engaged sexual partner who is able to enjoy her own sexual desire through fantasies and sexual arousal can be the most arousing aspect of sex over the longer term.

My appre­ci­ation of erot­i­cism has encour­aged me to explore my own sexual arousal both alone and with a partner. Women who object to erot­i­cism often comment that sex scenes poten­tially violate women or defile their bodies. Such women must have very different reac­tions to a woman who is more at ease with erot­i­cism. There is no judg­ment here — simply a desire to differentiate.