When I was 21, I met an Italian boy of the same age during a stay in Rome. Alfredo cared about how he dressed and would often check his appearance in the mirror.

I teased him because I had always been taught that personal vanity was undesirable. Alfredo wore designer sunglasses in the day but one evening as we were going out, I saw that he was wearing eye make-up. First I thought it odd but quickly realised how straight I was being.

After all, film stars wear make-up. I decided that it was a compliment and a turn-on that the man I was going out with had gone to the effort of making himself attractive. It’s a shame that more men don’t spend time and money on making more of their looks.

Most men would benefit from a complete make-over of their wardrobe by a woman friend. Start with some sexy underwear and nightwear. Buy some figure hugging tee shirts for wearing under shirts: worn open at the neck. Make sure you have a smart jacket and designer jeans as a minimum for dates.

Heterosexual men often assume that it is only women who need to attract a lover. Dressing attractively is strongly associated with women and gays (who both dress to attract men), so many straight men see their disregard for their looks as a sign of their masculinity.

Heterosexual men don’t dress up because women’s sexual arousal does not arise from the provocative display of a lover’s body as men’s does. However by dressing sexily a man can acknowledge the effort that his woman makes for him. Naturally a man needs to work on getting rid of any beer gut first!

I have never felt it necessary to dress in a sexually provocatively way. I am lucky to be naturally attractive so I have never had a problem being able to attract the men I want. Men don’t always appreciate women’s use of make-up and my male lovers have been pleased that I don’t wear it. I didn’t see the point in encouraging yet more passing compliments and advances from men.

Consequently I am always amazed when women claim to be unaware of the effect that the sight of their body can have on a man. Perhaps they have difficulty understanding because women do not become sexually aroused (get an erection) at the sight of a naked male body. In fact, most women probably prefer to see a man dressed in a style that indicates his social status, for example: James Bond in black tie evening suit and Richard Gere in naval uniform in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ (1982).

As an attractive woman you get a great deal of attention when you look good. It’s not just men that notice. So when a woman dresses provocatively it is more about competing with other women according to feminine values of attractiveness than about appealing sexually to men. For example, men would not necessarily define their ideal woman in line with the fashion industry.

Some women do dress in order to attract male attention but they still expect to be able to select the man they want. Men often assume that women are indicating a general enthusiasm for sexual pleasure. This tendency for men to misinterpret women’s motivations explains why, in more conservative societies, women cover up their bodies more than we do in the West.

Men often assume that women respond as men do but male sexuality is very different to female sexuality. Women are not fascinated by genitals, either their own or those of the opposite sex. After puberty, men’s sexual reaction to nudity is so strong that they have new associations with genitals. For women, the connection with going to the bathroom remains into adulthood.

Most people are still shocked by the idea that women might enjoy orgasm. When I asked a female doctor for information about female sexuality, she did not appear to understand the term. Eroticism is strongly associated with women providing men with sexual pleasure, typically in an immoral context. Otherwise women’s interest in sex is assumed to revolve around family and relationships.

An older male doctor referred me to the family planning library in London. I was truly depressed to find that the information related to the reproductive aspects of women’s sexuality: contraception, pregnancy and childbirth. Most sex information today, even for men, comes from the sex industry rather than from more official sources.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. I truly enjoy pleasing woman and seeing them receive pleasure. Even more so when I’m providing. I enjoy hearing what a female does to pleasure themselves. Your experiences are very welcomed an interesting to me. I enjoy the 69 position and this is a “barometer” that I feel I can tell how much pleasure I am providing my how much oral “action” I am receiving back. However. It is frustrating that my wife doesn’t enjoy this. Lol
    I enjoy eroticism and it is surprising that most women don’t. You have some erotic thoughts I see when masterbating. Well. Also. I must say. I am always pursuing to perform oral sex or sex with a vibrator on a female to please her as much as I can as a first “objective” if that is the correct word.
    How long does your masterbation usually last? Do you perform any type of casual caressing of such before you lie stomach down and use your fingers on your internal clit? Do you watch porn to help the mood and fantasy or create eroticism?

  2. Sadly porn does not cause female arousal. But I do watch it with my partner as we have sex. It gets me going but not in the same way that fantasy does. I can masturbate to orgasm within a couples of minutes. But … the part that takes the times is tuning into a fantasy. Once I have the erotic response in my mind to a fantasy scenario then orgasm is quite quick in coming. The only reason I masturbate is to enjoy the sensation of orgasm itself. There are no sensual or emotional aspects to masturbation. I enjoy the sexual release, the pleasure of orgasm and the feelings of lassitude afterwards. I use it to relax and go to sleep. The only kind of climax/peak I have had with a partner is through anal intercourse and vaginal fisting. Both need my partner to stimulate my clitoris (very gently over the hood) the whole time but especially leading up to climax. Hygiene is obviously very important and lots of lube! Men always want to please a partner, which is natural but is also a means of compensating for their feeling that sex is one-sided. A woman allows a man to pleasure her because she knows that it pleases him. But this pleasuring means much less to her than it does to him.

  3. I too must agree. I mostly masterbate for the sensation. Almost as if it’s a “habit” forming from the younger years. I frequently masterbate just for the sensation almost daily if not daily.
    I have been experimenting with anal play during masterbation. I was surprised to see ejaculation simply upon insertation or a hands free ejaculation. I can’t say that the anal thrusting doesn’t really provide any pleasure. However a vibrator and/or simply penetration with the right size item provides instant incredible stimulation and ejaculation
    The vaginal fisting must take some time to accomplish. Do you receive a significant amount of pleasure from this? What does this feel like? How long have u been performing this? I did this years ago on my wife but it didn’t “stay” in the “routine” as a pleasurable item. I think she did it earlier just out of curiosity.
    I agree in that a woman allows a man to pleasure her as this IS where my wife is at. She may or may not masterbate. But her sex drive for frequency of when she wants stimulated by me is minimal to non existent. However, I do think she get some satisfaction from the sensation.

  4. Men have the advantage when receiving anal sex because of the prostate gland which can cause almost instantaneous orgasm. This method used to be used by doctors to obtain semen samples but I believe these days they just provide a porno mag. Vaginal fisting & anal sex take quite a bit of practice and a woman needs to be willing to invest the time. Sadly we tend to feel uncomfortable about exploring many of these more taboo aspects of sexual activity largely due to a lack of responsiveness.
    Sexual pleasure differs between men & women for at least two reasons. Firstly women are much less responsive than men are and are not aroused by nudity & genital stimulation as men are. But secondly genital stimulation with a partner is much more emotionally significant to women. Even when I obtain really quite sensational physical feelings from anal sex &/or fisting I am still not particularly motivated by sex. It takes quite a while to get there but also the environment (not using fantasy) does not equate to masturbation which provides the best sexual release.

  5. Jane. I do agree men have the advantage in having anal sex. That combined with penis stimulation is a blow out ejaculation
    I am all about exploring new ideas or taboos that bring pleasure and that pleasure is addicting. Seems the more erotic the better.
    I don’t recall my wife receiving any type of orgasmic pleasure simply from sex with penis thrusting.
    So I was reading your recent post about how after an orgasm a woman follows this by a period of resolution before another is possible. How long is this period? This seems reasonable however I used this massager/vibrator on my wife and she had a cliteral orgasm in less than 30 seconds. She proceeded to say she had “rolling” orgasms from it. Within about 2 minutes I used this massager again on her clit until she orgasmed again.

  6. Of course men never believe me but the truth is that it is all male wishful thinking. Women never discuss orgasm or even sexual pleasure. I only ever hear from men who want to discuss female orgasm. But men’s insistence on believing in their fantasy causes a great deal of embarrassment for others who spend a lifetime hoping for orgasm (women) and men who feel inadequate because their female partner knows for sure that she does not orgasm with a lover. There is no evidence to support female orgasm during sex. And also no sex research that proves that it is possible. I simply question how your wife can be having true orgasms when she is apparently so reluctant to initiate or be enthusiastic about sexual activity with a lover. Also why would she not want to reciprocate e.g. by offering fellatio if she was truly grateful for the pleasure you are giving her?

  7. That is the question if the decade Jane! I have been asking myself. Not sure how the female mind works in that aspect! I don’t believe my wife had ever orgasmed during sex.
    Over the last few years. She seems to even “avoid” penetration. At least in the form of a dildo. She will maybe take a third of the dildo if that.

  8. Until women come forward to talk about these experiences, they remain in the realm of male fantasy. Research indicates that women orgasm most easily & quickly through masturbation alone. Why would a woman not masturbate if she can supposedly achieve orgasm with a lover? The fact that many women don’t masturbate is clear evidence that they have never had an orgasm. Women always think that orgasm is purely a matter of physical stimulation because that is how men appear to respond. But men are already mentally aroused. When I ask women about psychological erotic turn-ons they have no idea what I am talking about. They are shocked by any form of eroticism and talk about sex in terms of emotional and sensual feelings. This is not orgasm. Any one who has an orgasm knows how they got there. Because orgasm involves resolving mental images in the mind. Once climax is achieved the fantasy is also exhausted. That’s just how orgasm works and so all this nonsense about multiple orgasms is just ignorance. The role of the clitoris in female orgasm was discovered by asking women about masturbation NOT sex with a lover. A vibrator does not provide the correct kind of stimulation that a woman needs for orgasm. Men don’t use vibrators, why should a woman need one. Orgasm is a natural response of the body, when the mind is responsive to eroticism. No one needs a mechanical device to experience a natural phenomenon. It’s all a load of bunk. Women simulate arousal and orgasm in order to end sex sooner because men need to feel that they have provided female pleasure.

  9. I would have to agree obviously in that women do not need a vibrator to orgasm. I would think they use it to create some “magnified” pleasure ?? Similar to when I use a vibrator on my penis or testicles during masterbation or she uses on me during oral sex or a hand job. Additionally the use of those toys for anal play during masterbation would provide the “magnified” orgasm but not needed for the orgasm.

  10. Correct! Women don’t have an erections as men do. The penis becomes erect which makes the penis much much more sensitive than the clitoris. Cunnilingus does not cause orgasm. Nor does manual stimulation by a lover. A woman needs to be alone to get the focus on fantasy that she needs for orgasm. Sorry! But the important thing is for both partners to enjoy sex play and have some fun. Orgasm is quite separate.