Monday, September 9, 2019
Home The politics of sex Misconceptions Women who appear to want sexual pleasure

Women who appear to want sexual pleasure

When I was 21, I met an Italian boy of the same age during a stay in Rome. Alfredo cared about how he dressed and would often check his appearance in the mirror.

I teased him because I had always been taught that personal vanity was undesirable. Alfredo wore designer sunglasses in the day but one evening as we were going out, I saw that he was wearing eye make-up. First I thought it odd but quickly realised how straight I was being.

After all, film stars wear make-up. I decided that it was a compliment and a turn-on that the man I was going out with had gone to the effort of making himself attractive. It’s a shame that more men don’t spend time and money on making more of their looks.

Most men would benefit from a complete make-over of their wardrobe by a woman friend. Start with some sexy underwear and nightwear. Buy some figure hugging tee shirts for wearing under shirts: worn open at the neck. Make sure you have a smart jacket and designer jeans as a minimum for dates.

Heterosexual men often assume that it is only women who need to attract a lover. Dressing attractively is strongly associated with women and gays (who both dress to attract men), so many straight men see their disregard for their looks as a sign of their masculinity.

Heterosexual men don’t dress up because women’s sexual arousal does not arise from the provocative display of a lover’s body as men’s does. However by dressing sexily a man can acknowledge the effort that his woman makes for him. Naturally a man needs to work on getting rid of any beer gut first!

I have never felt it necessary to dress in a sexually provocatively way. I am lucky to be naturally attractive so I have never had a problem being able to attract the men I want. Men don’t always appreciate women’s use of make-up and my male lovers have been pleased that I don’t wear it. I didn’t see the point in encouraging yet more passing compliments and advances from men.

Consequently I am always amazed when women claim to be unaware of the effect that the sight of their body can have on a man. Perhaps they have difficulty understanding because women do not become sexually aroused (get an erection) at the sight of a naked male body. In fact, most women probably prefer to see a man dressed in a style that indicates his social status, for example: James Bond in black tie evening suit and Richard Gere in naval uniform in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ (1982).

As an attractive woman you get a great deal of attention when you look good. It’s not just men that notice. So when a woman dresses provocatively it is more about competing with other women according to feminine values of attractiveness than about appealing sexually to men. For example, men would not necessarily define their ideal woman in line with the fashion industry.

Some women do dress in order to attract male attention but they still expect to be able to select the man they want. Men often assume that women are indicating a general enthusiasm for sexual pleasure. This tendency for men to misinterpret women’s motivations explains why, in more conservative societies, women cover up their bodies more than we do in the West.

Men often assume that women respond as men do but male sexuality is very different to female sexuality. Women are not fascinated by genitals, either their own or those of the opposite sex. After puberty, men’s sexual reaction to nudity is so strong that they have new associations with genitals. For women, the connection with going to the bathroom remains into adulthood.

Most people are still shocked by the idea that women might enjoy orgasm. When I asked a female doctor for information about female sexuality, she did not appear to understand the term. Eroticism is strongly associated with women providing men with sexual pleasure, typically in an immoral context. Otherwise women’s interest in sex is assumed to revolve around family and relationships.

An older male doctor referred me to the family planning library in London. I was truly depressed to find that the information related to the reproductive aspects of women’s sexuality: contraception, pregnancy and childbirth. Most sex information today, even for men, comes from the sex industry rather than from more official sources.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

10 COMMENTS

  1. The most important thing to understand is not physical for a woman but cerebral. What does excite her ? What makes her really ready to have an orgasm ? Is it a person (not her husband perhaps) ? Is it a situation ? a place ? a behaviour (submission or domination) ? It is all these aspects that we have to understand before because at the opposite of a man, it is not so obvious to get excited.

    If I speak for myself I would say that I get orgasm in three ways : first by masturbation because it is something that I did very young and I continue to do it. Both on clitoris and by dildo penetration. First is domination. I am a dominant woman on men. I love giving orders, beat them, make them shout and cry. IT is cerebral but it gives me orgasm when a man beg me to stop what I do. And I love women too so concerning sex and orgasm I have it frequently with a woman.

  2. You can’t have an orgasm just from shouting at someone. Young girls do not have the experience to develop the fantasies needed for orgasm so I suspect you are mistaken. The anatomy involved in orgasm is always the same. Penetration does not cause the receiver to orgasm. These are basic anatomical facts.

  3. I think I am better than you to evaluate what are anatomical facts. I have a medical cursus. Anyway, you didn’t read me carefully I said “IT is cerebral but it gives me orgasm when a man beg me to stop what I do.”. Most of the time they have an erection when I beat them and I have their cock in my vagina when I beat. So I have vaginal or anal orgasm. Most of the time it is anal because I have a wide vagina. That’s why I need a very huge cock to feel something in vagina.

  4. The vagina is part of the birth canal. A baby’s head passes down it during childbirth. So a penis, no matter what size, is going to have little impact. The vagina is a reproductive organ. Only the clitoris is an erectile organ. Every foetus has a genital tubercle that becomes either a penis or a clitoris. Orgasm occurs when blood flows to the erectile organ, specifically the corpora cavernosa in the shaft of the penis & within the internal clitoral organ. You can Google this information – no need for any qualifications.

  5. The vagina develops from glands that disappear in the male foetus. It is quite impossible for a woman to evolve a means of achieving orgasm from anatomy that men don’t have. No one can orgasm as a receiver of intercourse. We need stimulation to continue until we orgasm and preferably no longer. Intercourse relies 100% on male responses. A woman has to remain in position until ejaculation & male orgasm. Orgasm is a spontaneous response – it cannot be synchronised to match a man’s orgasm every time.

  6. on this point I completely agree. that’s why I love to have several partners in the same moment. Three or four man because we cannot have orgasm at the same time

    you are completely wrong but I don’t understand what do you want to prove. I have vaginal orgasms despite what you say. I know perfectly the anatomic part. But as your experience is poor and you didn’t feel anything you believe it is the same for all women. And what about anal penetration ? Did you study that too ?

    you say that because you never had such orgasms

  7. Well you enjoy yourself – but it’s not orgasm! The vagina is totally without nerve endings – just a reproductive orgasm. That has been established decades ago. But women love to keep men happy…

    I don’t live in fantasy land. Women who boast about orgasm with a lover are no more enthusiastic about intercourse than other women. Nor do they initiate sex with a lover any more than any other women. Kinsey proved that decades ago. It’s all bravado & ego. You are ignoring the anatomical facts & the research findings. In over 20 years very few women talk of sexual pleasure but a few boast about orgasm. Men never boast about orgasm…

    Minor surgery can be performed on the vagina without using anesthetic. That is a fact. Have you ever had a baby? What research findings are you using to base your opinions on? Why do women rarely comment on sexual topics? This is not just about you but about explaining why women only boast about orgasm. They never talk openly about erotic turn-ons with a lover. Women talk of love. Women need emotional factors to be amenable to offering sex. A few women will offer sex for money or just out of ego.

  8. Jane I don’t want to hurt you but here in France, much and much more women talk about sex and pleasure they have (or don’t have). I have a daughter so I know what this is. But Believe me I have multiple contractions inside my vagina when the size and the way he moves are ok

    believe me none men can order me anything. I am a dominant woman. I have slaves men

  9. Good for you & I’m sure you have lots of fun! I am talking about orgasm though, which is a response men & women have in common. It’s just that very few women are responsive enough to ever experience orgasm.

    Women think they have these orgasms because men tell them they should have them. The political and emotional pressure is incredible. I have had no French women talking about sex any more than anyone else. Some of them must speak English. I think you live in dream land.

    As I said, there are no research findings to support what you are saying and no anatomical evidence. How did women evolve the ability to respond via anatomy that men don’t have? The only justification for orgasm comes from the male. Male orgasm triggers ejaculation, which is required for reproduction.