Pam, an attractive woman in her late forties, told me that she had never had a problem with sexual arousal and orgasm. She started masturbating at the age of eight and after thirty years with the same man, she was still enjoying orgasmic sex as she had done from day one.

Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm are not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else – the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!

In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.

“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 The Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)

Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!

Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen

I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.

People get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.

For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. Most women never compare masturbation with sex because they never learn to masturbate to orgasm in the first place. They assume that sexual arousal and orgasm must come from the emotional aspects of a loving relationship.

I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.

We all draw different conclusions from our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).

This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.

Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Hello Jane!
    I’ve been married for 25 years and other than when younger I don’t think my wife has had much “initiation”. She may have had in the past for curiosity when young and to have kids however at the age of 50 this has all but been removed. I find it “interesting” as she receives at least three orgasms each time we have sex and that’s what I enjoy to do. However it never increases her needs to initiate or want more.
    Keep on posting. All the best. Darin

  2. Darin, I would be interested to talk to your wife. So far very few women are willing to discuss these orgasms their husbands think they are having. I suspect they are not strictly orgasms as such. Orgasm comes at the end of any activity that is focused on achieving it. No woman is that responsive – one orgasm every 2-3 weeks is the average.

  3. Hi Jane Thanks for your response. You are correct as she does not talk about these perceived to be orgasms nor is she open about them or sex in general. She simply stops the sexual stimulation as she indicated she is “done” and can’t take any more stimulation. Typically it is oral with shallow finger insert massage and she has what seems to be an orgasm. After a few minutes I use a combination of a vibrator, dildo and oral until she appears to have a second. After that we engage in penile penetration with a vibrator on her clit and she seems to have yet another and done.
    However…I do have to say this interest by her in this is not initiated by her and given our busy life schedules I did not mention that it is prob monthly occurrences. Your comment is interesting in that you say the average is one per 2-3 weeks. Are you saying a women’s body does not “recharge” to allow multiple orgasms at a particular concentrated time? Kindly Darin

  4. Correct. Women are not nearly as responsive as men are. This is quite normal. Orgasm (responsiveness) is a male characteristic that rewards the male for ejaculation. This is why women primarily orgasm through masturbation alone. A woman needs an intense focus on fantasy to achieve true orgasm. Sexual activity with a lover is intended to cause male orgasm and female impregnation. The rest is just fantasy!

  5. Thanks Jane. Well…to the best of my knowledge I don’t think she masterbates. However I may be clueless on that one. I would think the oral stimulation I provide would be similar to her masterbation and she is receiving an orgasm? I do at times give stimulation w my finger to her clit similar to what I would think is masterbation and I believe she has an orgasm. But I see and agree as she may only have interest in that but monthly. Sometimes I only finger my wife’s clit. She becomes swollen and wet and I continue to massage until she gets to what her “done” time is of which I thought was an orgasm. I wonder what she is done with?

  6. I don’t believe your wife is having an orgasm. I allow my partner to stimulate me clitorally because he enjoys it. But I stop him after a while just to move things alone. There is not orgasm or even true arousal. Just sensual pleasant enough sensations. The key to masturbation is achieving the mental arousal. Without the right focus and circumstances I just have to give up. The technique is purely instinctive but over time I have realised the parallel with how men masturbate and thrust to orgasm. The pressing down seems to equate to the much more vigorous stimulation that men use during masturbation. Female orgasm is truly incredible – it’s just an evolutionary anomaly. Most women never seem to discover it – female responsiveness has no purpose & doesn’t provide the male satisfaction of occurring as a result of male stimulation.

  7. If she doesn’t masterbate then it seems she may not be obtaining an orgasm which is extremely far from me having to masterbate multiple times a week.
    So this society “image” that is portrayed about a women fingering her clit or using a vibrator on her clit to masterbate is simply a satisfaction of nerve stimulations to a “high point” of satisfaction? And not an orgasm.
    So what you are saying is. There is cliteral stimulation that can continue to a certain point and there is internal vaginal stimulation that can continue to a certain point as well as a combination of both. However, a true female orgasm includes the mental fantasy aspect as well of which can only be achieved during the right “settings” and most likely more than not is through masterbation.
    So these women that state they masterbate several times a week or similar to the male frequency are simply obtaining a “nerve” stimulation (non orgasm) of which can be habitual forming in frequency like a male?

  8. That is my experience. I set out to ask women about these other experiences. Over more than 10 years very few women are willing to comment. Some women boast about orgasm and then go silent when I ask more questions. They don’t seem to understand that an orgasm must involve some appreciation of eroticism. They think it’s just a question of physical stimulation. God knows what they think an orgasm is! But I do think women are under extreme pressure from men to say that they orgasm and so some women imagine something. I found it incredible at first but I can find no explanation for the silence. Only men talk about female orgasm in any detail and most of that is pure fantasy! It’s all about women wanting to be attractive to men…

  9. I agree. I think society places pressure on the female to these questions in a way that probably isn’t the truth to support society and maybe men’s fantasy. I can say from a males stand point. I would say I almost if not do enjoy masterbation more than sex because it does bring in fantasy and eroticism while I’m performing. So in that sense it is similar. However different in that a male always ejaculates with any form of sex. I’d be curious as to what eroticism a female has or fantasies about during masterbation to orgasm? Can this eroticism some how be replicated while I’m performing oral sex as I enjoy seeing the female receive pleasure to the fullest. I prefer to perform oral over sex just because of what pleasure I can see a woman receiving. It’s all very interesting and intriguing

  10. I have hoped all of my life to find a way to make sex as arousing as masturbation. Sadly it is not possible. My conclusion is that Nature intends a woman to be capable of focusing on facilitating male orgasm and so not distracted by her own arousal with a lover. There is also no reason for a woman to be aroused with a lover. The parallel for men is that they don’t want to talk during sex. This is because you need to focus on the erotic experience. It’s the same for a woman but because female orgasm is much more difficult to achieve I need to be alone (no distractions) and (like meditation) I have to totally absorb my mind in the fantasy. Women are not aroused by the reality of genitals or sexual activity – fantasy bridges the erotic gap. But most women are apparently not responsive enough to even experience this much more restricted (compared with men) enjoyment of eroticism. I find that most women are shocked and disgusted by any aspect of eroticism. So they are certainly not responsive enough to ever experience orgasm.