I always enjoyed sharing physical intimacy with a lover but this is very different to achieving my own sexual arousal. I always knew that true sexual arousal was missing because I was familiar with orgasm from the very first time that I had sex. Very few women discover female masturbation so early in their life.

From the very early days, I appreciated the sensual aspects of sex:

  • Marvelling at the responsiveness of my lover’s penis and his erection;
  • Enjoying the different feel of hairy skin;
  • The intimacy of full-on kissing;
  • The sensuality of nudity; and
  • The concept of penetration.

My partners enjoyed being affectionate through touching and kissing. Naturally, they have appreciated me returning a similar level of physical fondling of their body. Thereafter the follow through to intercourse and male orgasm was from their perspective an inevitable conclusion to close physical intimacy with someone they loved.

I accepted this and did not withdraw my affection even though I did not personally want sex on each occasion. I have put effort into responding sensually and lovingly because I knew that it would pleasure my partner. My partners have always been quick to become noticeably aroused so learning how to pleasure a man was an easy way to demonstrate my love for him.

Men approach sex already mentally aroused and so they tend to take this aspect of sex for granted. Physical stimulation only works if you are already aroused in your mind (a man needs an erection before he can orgasm). Women might talk about feeling horny but this is more likely to indicate that they are amenable to sex than that they are just about to orgasm.

Men experience spontaneous sexual arousal as a result of testosterone (the hormone responsible for sex drive) and by seeing a woman’s body. Women have neither of these benefits. Women’s sexual arousal has to be consciously generated.

Researchers have known for decades that clitoral stimulation helps with female orgasm but if a lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse were the only issue involved then why do so many men and women ask about female orgasm? Surely couples would simply try other means of providing clitoral stimulation e.g. by hand or mouth and the problem would be solved?

The popular suggestion that women are too timid to ask for, and men too clueless to provide, the necessary clitoral stimulation during sex is patronising to the modern sexually adventurous couple. My partner and I have been very happy to try almost anything over the years. Right from day one I tried oral sex, masturbation with a partner, positions for intercourse etc.

Nothing worked and, in particular, I have never found clitoral stimulation with a partner (either manual or through oral sex) arousing enough for orgasm. Many years later I have realised that clitoral stimulation only works during masturbation because I use sexual fantasies first to achieve the necessary arousal required for genital stimulation to lead to orgasm.

“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

But what if female orgasm happens most naturally during masturbation alone? Frustratingly, it would seem that women are described as ‘dysfunctional’ (or inhibited) simply because they do not respond sexually as men do.

Porn movies are good for getting turned on to sex with a partner but do not help me achieve orgasm during female masturbation. I have found (post 35 when my clit has become less sensitive) that my partner can stimulate me much more effectively with his fingers. Penetration is nice, conceptually, but the vagina has few nerve endings – it is, after all, the birth canal.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Jane. I have these fantasies about my wife. Dressed in short skirt. Stockings. Suspenders and heels. Getting fucked by other men. As i sit back. Watching and wanking before joining in. Yet i love her to bits ! But is it also normal to want to watch her take spunk facials ?and to see guys spunk up her cunt. Then me fuck her. My cock sliding up her on there spunk. And watching the spunk. Dangle from her chin and nose as i fuck her ? Am i screwed up or something ? Please reply. I would value your opinion.
    Love bob xx

  2. Young boys play with their own genitals and some like to play with the genitals of other males (even animals). In the past it was thought that an obsession with the male genitalia was a sign of homosexuality. But Kinsey found that many heterosexual men are also interested in the penis, balls, ejaculation etc and men often like to start any sexual encounter by exhibiting their own genitalia.

    I have certainly found that men like to discuss the graphic details of their own responses and I often feel that they expect women to be aroused by the same thing. Unfortunately hearing other people’s fantasies does not cause me to become aroused. In fact they are really quite boring but this doesn’t seem to stop men wanting to share them!

    If men want to get the most out of their relationships with women then they need to move on from this fascination with their own genitals and start to understand how women’s minds and bodies work. Needless to say, women’s responses are quite different to men’s but that is the joy of being heterosexual!

  3. Sorry Jane but i am not into seeing or playing with men’s genitals. I did not wish to offend you. Or upset you. Im no young boy either. Im 60. I just want to see them inside my wife. Mouth and cunt. And to see there spunk on her face and up her cunt. I just wanted to know if this is normal thinking. As you are such an expert. And i would value your opinion Jane.
    Please reply
    Love bob xx

  4. Neither did I wish to offend you. I am simply pointing out that women don’t tend to talk about their genitals. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is simply a difference between men and women. Many women are offended by any talk of anyone’s genitals even their own.

    I am not quite sure why you want to be reassured that such thoughts are ‘normal’. Do you really want to be like every one else or are you worried about being considered ‘perverted’?

    What goes on inside your own head is really your own business and I don’t see why you should worry about what other people might think. I am flattered that you think me an expert but none of us can possibly know what goes on inside everyone’s head out there – thank God!

    You only have to look at male pornography to see the graphic displays of exactly what you are describing. So I hardly see that you are the first guy to think in those terms. The male is essentially territorial throughout the mammals and ejaculation is a mechanism whereby men stake out their territory (e.g. their woman). So all perfectly normal for men I would assume.

    You might want to ask a male expert rather than a woman…!