In the film ‘Basic Instinct’ (1992) Michael Douglas, playing the detective, asks Sharon Stone, playing the millionairess, whether she enjoyed having sex with her ex-lover. She replies that she liked having sex with him because he was ‘good with his hands’.
Pleasuring a woman is more likely to involve a man using his hands during sex than his penis. Pleasurable touching includes sensitive stroking, gentle licking and light teasing caresses. Men need soft hands and the use of a specialised lubricant from a sex shop will help.
“Keep things slippery with your favorite lube and spend the evening at home with your sweetie ‘watching a video’.” (Rachel Venning & Claire Cavanagh; Sex toys: a playfully 101 uninhibited guide; 2003)
As a first step, put a ban on intercourse for a month or two and focus on other forms of mutual pleasuring. Remember intercourse is good for two things: making babies and facilitating male orgasm. So even when you return to intercourse, use it towards the end of love-making.
Think of penis/vagina sex as ‘intercourse-to-male-orgasm’ to emphasise that a generous lover offers to pleasure his woman BEFORE taking his orgasm. Other sexual pleasuring could involve the man offering: sensual bathing followed by fantasy role play (whatever appeals to your woman – bondage, spanking etc.), oral sex, stimulation with a vibrator (wherever you fancy), sex talk and sensual massage, leading to erotic massage: including clitoral stimulation by hand (probably not all in one session!).
Sex tips for guys and girls
If you’re aiming for ‘quality sex’ by sharing the pleasures of physical intimacy, then you need to invest in enjoying sex play together on a more mutual basis. Once in a while make a special effort to bring some variety to sex by spicing up your sex life. Forget the holy grail of female orgasm and aim for giving her some sensual pleasure. Talk to your partner.
Romance involves getting your woman into the bedroom. For sex tips on keeping her there see below:
- Make sure that you always offer some pleasure for your partner as well as for yourself. Have champagne by the bath. Spend some money on your intimate time together. Basically – live the fantasy!
- Sex sessions with a partner that include a sensual massage can be enjoyable for a woman even if orgasm is missing.
- Try something new. Visit a sex shop! Then plan with your partner to introduce something new – anticipation helps!
- Allow her some space for her orgasm even if that means being supportive of her time alone to enjoy female masturbation. It may make her more supportive of the times when you are the only one having an orgasm.
Sex shops are no longer sleazy or embarrassing places. The atmosphere is casual and relaxed and shop assistants are always happy to give help and advice. More women are shopping for toys and many shop assistants are female.
The easy way out for a man to appease his sexual frustration is to put pressure on his partner without considering how to make sex more rewarding for her. A man can learn to enjoy arousing his partner while the woman enjoys being pampered. The woman needs to support the man’s initiative by reacting encouragingly!
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)