I have never been a romantic. But recently, I must have gone soft in the head because I now enjoy romantic dramas. I admire the hero’s masculinity, his body (admittedly fully clothed) and his portrayal of restrained sex drive. Romance may make a woman amenable to sex but I have not found that it helps with sexual arousal. I need scenarios that involve explicit eroticism for orgasm.
It is this huge gap between women’s loving emotions and their sexual arousal that must be difficult for a man to understand. Men have a much stronger connection between their own sexual arousal and physical intimacy with someone they love. Consequently, men do not necessarily need to use sexual fantasies during sex with a partner, especially in the early days of a relationship.
Men’s experience of masturbation leads on quite naturally to sex with a partner because men masturbate by imagining the sexual attributes of a sexual partner. Women don’t use the images of men’s genitals for sexual arousal during female masturbation. Women’s fantasies tend to be scenarios based on sexual situations that have a psychological context.
This style of fantasy is much more difficult to transfer to sex with a partner. Some women claim to succeed with this but I have met more women who don’t. I have not been able to use my sexual fantasies effectively during sex.
It is very natural for a man to feel insecure about a woman’s use of sexual fantasies, just as some women feel insecure about men’s enjoyment of pornography. We worry that a lover uses other sources for arousal because they don’t find us attractive. These are common misunderstandings about the difference between enjoying our own sexual arousal and loving another person.
An appreciation of eroticism lies at the core of understanding our own sexuality, what turns us on and enables us to enjoy orgasm. A woman who enjoys eroticism and fantasy is likely to be more adventurous in her sex life with a partner.
No doubt many women are outraged by the idea of encouraging female masturbation, oral sex or anal sex. I am not particularly trying to encourage any specific sexual activity. I am simply saying that if a young woman wants to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner (as opposed to get pregnant) then she may need to explore activities other than vaginal intercourse.
Like it or not, this is simply the way the facts of women’s sexuality stack up. Vaginal intercourse is unlikely to arouse a woman because the vagina is capable of expanding to allow a baby’s head to pass so it’s not going to feel much from a thrusting penis. Likewise, the vagina is not designed to be sensitive otherwise childbirth would be even more painful than it already is.
Originally, foreplay was supposed to compensate for inadequate clitoral stimulation from intercourse. Unfortunately, not only do women need clitoral stimulation to continue up to the point of orgasm but also, due to the sensitivity of the clitoris, it can be difficult for a man to provide the right kind of stimulation.
So when women ask about lack of orgasm today, experts suggest that they masturbate during sex. Little is known about how successful women are with this approach in practice. To help improve our understanding, Ways Women Orgasm invites women to share how they achieve arousal and orgasm during sex.
I am asking other sexually experienced women who know about orgasm from female masturbation (so we know that we are talking about the same experience) to share notes on activities that they have found arousing enough for orgasm during sex.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)