Ways Women Orgasm

Comparing orgasm from female masturbation and with a partner

Graphs are not very exciting concepts but never­the­less they can be useful. Imagine the male orgasm graph which looks a little like a vertical phallic symbol. Then imagine the female orgasm graph which looks like the outline of a woman’s vulva.

The male exper­i­ence is shorter but more intense. The female exper­i­ence is longer but lower overall. My exper­i­ence of female masturb­a­tion is that the initial phase can be hori­zontal — nothing happens. I lie there waiting for the inspir­a­tion of an effective fantasy.

But once that spark takes light, my exper­i­ence is similar to a man’s. Within a minute or two the whole thing is over. The build-up is quick and the sensa­tions of release are sexu­ally satis­fying. The after­math of orgasm involves a sense of release followed by blissful relaxation.

Build-up with a partner takes much longer than a couple of minutes. But also the sensa­tions are more pleas­ur­able and phys­ic­ally intense as he stim­u­lates me. My mind has no conscious focus except the sensa­tions of my partner touching me and thinking about his erection.

For me, orgasm with a partner includes pelvic contrac­tions but there is not the same sense of release. Using fantasy allows me to be the woman but also to identify with the man at the point of orgasm as he thrusts and ejac­u­lates to orgasm. Perhaps this ability to super­im­pose the act of male ejac­u­la­tion on my orgasm produces my sense of release.

During female masturb­a­tion, whatever sexual activity I am imagining (usually anal sex or occa­sion­ally fellatio), my focus at the point of orgasm is thinking about the man’s orgasm. Male ejac­u­la­tion, for me, is highly graphic and the greatest turn-on.

When women ask about lack of orgasm, experts often suggest that inhib­i­tion or psycho­lo­gical trauma may cause a woman to view sex as ‘dirty’ or as a ‘viol­a­tion’ rather than as a loving act involving mutual sexual pleasure. I chal­lenge this suggestion.

Women who masturbate to orgasm are in fact much LESS sexu­ally inhib­ited than other women. Not only do they appre­ciate erot­i­cism enough to enjoy their own sexual fantasies through masturb­a­tion when alone. They are also more willing to engage on a variety of sexual activ­ities with a partner to explore how they might enjoy their own sexual arousal during sex.

If men want to enjoy sex in the longer-term they need to find a woman who cares about them enough to invest in their sex life together. In a positive rela­tion­ship, where there is a will­ing­ness to give on both sides, a couple can enjoy sharing emotional and phys­ical intimacy by being more honest about the rewards.

In the longer term, a man hopes for a partner who is posit­ively enthu­si­astic about their intimate time together. For example, a man hopes for a lover who:

  • has some appre­ci­ation of sexual pleasure and eroticism;
  • is willing to explore a variety of approaches to enjoying sexual pleasure with a partner;
  • under­stands a man’s desire to live out his sexual fantasies; and
  • takes an active role in responding as a lover.

I approached sex initially as a man must. I hoped to feel sexual arousal and that I would be able to reach orgasm during sex. I was bitterly disap­pointed, as many women are who are familiar with orgasm from female masturb­a­tion, when they first come to sex. I concluded that the female mind and body simply do not respond to sex as a man’s mind and body do.

I also concluded that the idea that women respond simil­arly to men is based on sexual fantasies not reality. Since talking to other women, I now know that women inter­pret emotional sensa­tions as if they represent true sexual arousal and orgasm.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

1 comment for “Comparing orgasm from female masturbation and with a partner

  1. admin
    July 1, 2014 at 8:00 am

    The studies together indicate women’s brains have altern­ative path­ways for exper­i­en­cing sexual pleasure according to whether they are alone or with a lover.”

    Read on: Scient­ists discover path­ways women’s pleasure

Leave a Reply