When they talk about their sexual relationships with men, women will often refer to love, trust and commitment.

These factors are obviously important for the stability of long-term relationships that family life depends on. But they are not factors that will help a woman learn how to enjoy orgasm during sex.

Many women see sex as an emotional and loving experience. Either they have no expectation for orgasm or they assume that their loving emotions result in the phenomenon that other people call orgasm.

This is fine and no one wants to upset other people’s sex lives if they are happy with them. Many women enjoy sex as a sensual and sexy physical act with a partner regardless of their own sexual arousal.

But women who ask about female orgasm need to know the facts.

Loving emotions do not lead to true sexual arousal. Just as men have to (usually very willingly!) focus on eroticism if they are to become aroused, women also have to accept that enjoyment of sexual arousal depends on having ‘naughty’ thoughts.

Guilt about sexual fantasies is misplaced because our ability to enjoy our own sexual arousal is part of the human experience. Such feelings occur naturally and as long as we enjoy them alone or with a consenting adult partner, are quite harmless.

The degree to which we are able to enjoy our sexuality depends on the balance between our desire to enjoy sexual pleasure and our need to satisfy moral constraints. It is the taboo nature of sexual activity that causes us to feel sexually aroused.

Why women still prefer ‘making love’

Men tend to become defensive when it is suggested that vaginal intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm. One reason is that embarrassment about sex causes many less adventurous couples to limit their sex life to intercourse.

Nature’s fault again but women do not find the kind of physical sex play that men enjoy arousing enough for orgasm. More than that, many women are actually disgusted by the idea of any activity more sexually explicit than ‘making love’.

But we are talking about quite different women and attitudes here. A woman only asks about female orgasm because she already knows how to achieve it from masturbation. Such women are likely to be more open to exploring sex with a partner, including a wider variety of physical sex play and techniques, because they engage on eroticism through fantasies.

Women need to stimulate their clitoris for orgasm just as men need to stimulate their penis. Intercourse does not provide enough clitoral stimulation for female orgasm no matter how long and enthusiastically a man keeps thrusting.

What is confusing, for women who masturbate, is that clitoral stimulation can only lead to orgasm once a woman has achieved the necessary psychological arousal through fantasy. Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm through the naked male body. If they did, then women would enjoy pornography, lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars as men do.

Women’s sexual arousal depends on sexual fantasies with a complex psychological context (often BDSM) that can be tricky to combine with a real life sexual relationship. Many women do use fantasy during sex but others find that their mind-based fantasies are ineffective with a partner. A woman may need to learn other ways of incorporating her fantasies into her sex life.

This may include reading some erotic fiction immediately prior to sex and during foreplay (man doing all the work!) or bringing some ideas from her fantasies into physical sex play (activities other than intercourse) that may be combined with intercourse.

7 Comments »

1. I totally agree with you my friend…

   Comment by mysearch2008 — March 21, 2010 @ 8:22 am

2. yes ! Exactly its very True … I also Agree

   Comment by intellectual — March 21, 2010 @ 11:54 am

3. very interesting news thanks for the information.

   Comment by mahpudinudin — March 21, 2010 @ 12:03 pm

4. u have a nice command on topic

   Comment by Rsaeed — March 21, 2010 @ 4:17 pm

5. thanks for your information

   Comment by yuyun — July 19, 2010 @ 4:47 pm

6. I think it’s an interesting article, but I do not agree with the point about it is the “taboo’ thoughts that are the cornerstone of desire for humans. Sure, people get turned on thinking about things they are ‘not suppose to’, but MUCH more is going on here. Studies show that women’s attitudes about sex effects how much she enjoys sex. If they have a positive attitude, guess what, they like sex more. I wish someone would take a deeper look at this, scientifically speaking.

   Comment by Brandon — July 19, 2010 @ 7:35 pm

7. One of the difficulties in discussing women’s sexual experiences is that people often talk about whether a woman ‘enjoys’ sex. This can mean many things.

   I am talking specifically about orgasm. Not the experience that many women think they have simply from having sex with a man but a real orgasm.

   My point is that men do not orgasm by NOT touching their genitals. Also, much more importantly, men do NOT orgasm by thinking about mushy loving emotions.

   Men have to think about something fairly gutsy, crude, sexual, erotic – as evidenced by male pornography. The problem is that many people assume that female orgasm revolves around women’s loving emotions. The Snow White syndrome…

   My point is that since women use sexual fantasies during masturbation, they are likely to need to use something similar during sex. Men have the advantage of becoming sexually aroused (so that genital stimulation leads easily to orgasm) through the sight/touch of a lover’s body.

   Women do not have the same advantage so they have to use some other mechanism for arousal during sex. This is not about attitude but about understanding what causes female arousal (the kind that leads to orgasm through genital stimulation).

   Many women say that they ‘enjoy’ sex but they never explore their own sexual arousal through masturbation and are shocked by any form of eroticism. I am asking how a person can achieve sexual arousal without their mind being focused on erotic thoughts. It’s not possible – as men should know. The trouble is that men’s minds focus much more naturally and frequently on erotic thoughts so they assume that women’s minds work the same way.

   Comment by Jane — July 19, 2010 @ 9:24 pm

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