I approached my adult life in anticipation of a mutually enjoyable sex life. This optimism was fuelled by my love of erotic literature, which I read avidly as a teenager. I enjoyed exploring my sexual fantasies and by the age of seventeen I discovered orgasm through female masturbation.
When I had sex for the first time at the age of eighteen with a man I found attractive and admired (notice that only women are supposed to need these factors in order to enjoy sex), I was disappointed because the experience left me cold — not even the hint of any sexual arousal.
Apparently I was not the first woman to have this experience. In fact, after consulting a sex clinic and reading all the available information I could find over many years, it seemed that my experience was — QUITE NORMAL. So why were other women not as outraged as I was?
Don’t other women want to tell younger generations that the suggestion that women’s sexual arousal during sex is easy — is MISLEADING at the very least? Few women challenge the media portrayals of the spontaneously orgasmic women because by doing so, they risk exposing their own sexual inadequacy. But this assumes women are just as sexual as men.
So it is assumed that most women must experience at least some sexual pleasure with a partner. I doubted this simply because I found so few women who were prepared to be open about sex. Sure there was bravado but very little explicit detail about how women can enjoy sex.
Women who did claim to orgasm with a partner avoided questions by implying that anyone who doubted the mutual pleasure of sex must be sexually inadequate. In fact, this is a form of intimidation or bullying. It is a defensive behaviour. We all know that there are women who are less than enthusiastic about sex but their point of view is discounted as irrelevant.
After taking fairly extreme steps, I was able to confirm that my partner and I were a perfectly normal couple. So when you press the point, experts do admit that a woman is likely to find orgasm considerably more elusive than a man does.
And yet, it is still difficult to find this fact publicised anywhere or anyone willing to agree that a man might stand to gain more (in a direct sense) from a sexual relationship. The fact is that people who earn their living from the sex industry, only make money by providing the public with what we want to hear — fantasy more often than reality.
To me it was so evident when I met my first boyfriend that I couldn’t understand why every woman didn’t have the same reaction. Perhaps they were not as open with their men. How can you admire a man’s easy erection and his orgasm without appreciating that women just don’t have it as easy?
Even when we do orgasm it is just a pleasure — very nice and very enjoyable. But it does not provide the central meaning to life. Men just die with pleasure as soon as they get into your knickers. Come on! It’s just not the same for women. I wish it were…
Of those women who have talked about their sexual experiences (the few that I can believe because they talk about their experiences in a way that tallies with the facts that I know about female sexuality from my own body’s reactions) most have had much the same experience as me. These women are in a minority because, after ten years of attempting to talk to women about sex, the vast majority of women say nothing and I suspect have no particular ambition to understand their sexuality.
I would like my daughters to have the experience of orgasm but I do not want them to be duped by all the claims of easy orgasm during sex with a partner. My daughters’ generation should have more facts about how women can get the most out of sex.
Of course there will be people who object to what I am saying. I understand that. It is not possible to question the status quo without causing discomfort. Sex is both highly political and highly emotional — not a good mix.
I like what you’ve written here. I find it refreshing for someone to be so direct and honest in their approach. Your writing is easy to read, but very interesting. Glad I found this site…
Dear Vernon, thanks so much for your support.
I am happy to be proved wrong. Overall, I don’t believe that who is right or wrong is the most important issue but rather our willingness to explore the issues and improve our understanding.
It has been very frustrating to be as interested in sex as I have been and yet to have found so few women who are willing to compare notes. Women’s sexuality is often assumed to be similar to men’s but I think that unlikely. I only discovered masturbation by chance and few men would say that!
Equally, no woman has ever volunteered to educate me about how a woman can apply her orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex with a partner. I hope that my site will provide this information for future generations of women.
i’ve been saying this for years. my first sexual partner, and later my wife [ex], had a brief affair with a work friend that lasted several months. i found out and left after pleeing with her to stay. i moved away, met other women and a month or so later she begged me to take her back. it was a fling. i was obviously doing something wrong and she got bored. i don’t blame her tho i was furious at the time.
what i’m getting to is the sex, making love, was much MUCH better after her fling. she’d never shown much sign of orgasming before but then she was very sure of what helped her ‘cum’. her affair had somehow opened her eyes and, i’m not ashamed to say, she discovered orgasms with another man. very ‘famous blue raincoat’. that dynamite sex never went away even after we split when we would still meet inbetween lovers.
and i learned that a lot of younger women [i was about 27 at the time] seemed to pretend to orgasm. i could tell. so i would always ask a gf intimate details about what turned her on. i wanted to know… because sex is so much more enjoyable if i know and can [mutually] enjoy her being stimulated.
ok, sometimes it can be awkward and not a lot of women will talk about these things but the physical aspects of being with a partner is so important. without going into too many details i find making love to a highly aroused partner fantastically sexy. in fact, when i’ve taken someone out — but not expecting sex! — i’ve found women telling me what they like or don’t during sex and telling me they don’t know why they are telling me these things cos they’d never talk about this normally with anyone else [tho several glasses of wine often helps!]. let’s face it, sex is an interesting subject to discuss.
it’s relatively recently that women have become more open about their sex lives tho a lot still feel after they’ve found ‘the one’ they learn to live with their poor sex lives and lack of orgasms… posssiby because ‘the one’ is wealthy or has power and so accept it as a trade off? i’ve met women who were often divorcees who finally had enough after 10 or so years of marriage wo a single orgasm from their partner. i believe women are far less monogamous than they used to be and that’s a good thing. so many men are ‘5 minute wonders’- as i call it — and finally women are getting orgasms thru either [the dreaded] masterbation or talking thru what turns them on with their partners [i’ve had a lot of fun with partners with sex toys and things have changed so much since the pre early 90s when women would feel like sluts or dirty for ‘enjoying’ sex!!!!].
things are very much better now. not so sure about girls in their early 20s and younger [of which my knowledge is limited] but certainly women over 30.
some women just don’t have time for a relationship and so have what are known as ‘f*** buddies’ [friends of the opposite sex who understand that sex and friendship can sometimes work out!]
hope my views and experiences have helped.
darr
I agree and disagree. I think that there are women out there who are just tickled pink to get into the pants of a man. I do know, however, that these women are few and far between. The majority of women find sex so much more of an emotional release rather than a physical release as most men do. I also think it is that way for a reason. Survival of the fittest. Women have to be picky to ensure they are mating with a superior male, whether it be physically or mentally. Men, on the other hand, many times with sleep with the first passing woman, within reason. The problem with that is, that your “alpha” males, or the strongest and most athletic of men, are usually the most self absorbed which means ultimately they are not bothered by the fact that their mate was not as physically satisfied as they were. This is all a theory to me and I could be wrong. It is just how I see it. Sex, along with women and relationships are very elusive subjects in which there can be many right and wrong answers depending on the person in question. Men, for the most part are fairly simple. Sports, sex, food, sex, work, sex, sleep, sex, but not necessarily in that order.
Thanks for both of these great comments! Now I just have to succeed in getting the women talking…!
Sadly, most women appear to be completely baffled by why I want to write about sex. It seems that few women are motivated by the issue of orgasm. I have concluded that this is most likely because a woman only knows what orgasm is if she learns how to masturbate.
Female masturbation is a little akin to men’s enjoyment of young women’s bodies: easy gratification. My interest is how couples can enjoy a long-term sexual relationship. Sadly given the number of possible reasons for relationship stalemate, a good sex life after decades together is probably pretty rare.