Some women happily accept the modern media’s portrayal of women as complete sexual beings, for whom spontaneously orgasmic sex is as much of a given as it is for a man.

Other women find that orgasms do not ‘just happen’. Pressure to find answers comes not only from the woman who hopes to enjoy what is supposed to be a mutually pleasurable sexual relationship but also from her partner who hopes to share his enjoyment of sex with a lover.

Despite the conclusion decades ago that intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm, the experts I consulted insisted that all women orgasm ‘naturally and easily’ during sex. Unconvinced, I decided to do my own research by talking to women I knew.

The vast majority refused to comment: hardly indicative that women are even enthusiastic about sex let alone orgasmic. A couple of women did claim easy orgasm with a partner (from day one) but this was based on the mistaken belief that intercourse leads to female orgasm. Very few women showed any direct interest in orgasm at all. I came to realise that female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so many women never realise that orgasm is missing from sex.

No one needs to tell men how their sexual arousal works. Boys experience spontaneous erections so that male masturbation is inevitable. Girls do not develop the same genital focus and so they end up confusing the emotions of sex with true sexual arousal and orgasm. Since many women never discover orgasm through masturbation, they have no way of knowing what it is or how to achieve it.

“ … not to have an orgasm from intercourse is the experience of the majority of women” (p35 The Hite Reports 1993)

Whereas men’s need for PHYSICAL stimulation during sex is clearly focused on the penis, it is often mistakenly assumed that female orgasm arises from the stimulation of the vagina. Unfortunately, the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. Only the clitoris, the female sex organ and source of female orgasm, has a sensitivity comparable with the penis.

Similarly, whereas men rely on explicit eroticism (pornography) for their PSYCHOLOGIAL sexual arousal, it is often mistakenly assumed that female sexual arousal depends on emotional criteria. But women need explicit eroticism to achieve sexual arousal just as men do. It’s simply that women’s fantasies are much more difficult to use during sex than during masturbation.

Lack of orgasm during sex

Traditionally female sexuality has been defined almost entirely in reproductive terms (through vaginal intercourse within marriage). Ways Women Orgasm provides women with the factual background to their sexuality in terms of a genital focus (through their own sexual arousal and orgasm) to help modern women make sense of their sexual experiences.

The discussion of female sexuality covers the following:

• Sexual desire: women’s own sexual desire is often confused with how sexually desirable they are to men.
• Female masturbation: many women dislike the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal and masturbation.
• Sexual arousal: since so few women masturbate, many never discover how their own sexual arousal works.

Women who claim to orgasm easily or naturally with a partner cause confusion for other women who are comparing sex with female masturbation. Yet these women are simply exposing their ignorance about how women achieve real femlale orgasms. Certainly, vaginal intercourse does not by itself provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.

As Sheila Kitzinger points out, for many women orgasm is never even a goal: “For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

Although no expert was willing to acknowledge the difficulties many women have reaching orgasm with a partner, I was left with the impression that I was expecting too much. The truth is that many women never experience orgasm by any means. Ways Women Orgasm is for women and their partners who are looking for a fresh approach to understanding female sexuality.