Ways Women Orgasm

Sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction

In the film ‘Doc Hollywood’ (1991) Bridget Fonda asks Michael J Fox whether doctors know more about sex than normal people.

This is a natural mistake to make because of the misconception that sex is a mechanical or biological aspect of our bodies. In fact, doctors are unlikely to know any more about sex than the rest of us.

Sex is primarily about our psychology and our emotions. There are recommended positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but ultimately sexual arousal depends on what happens in the brain.

Most of us accept sexual pleasure for what it is and only seek help if there is a major problem. This is why the vast majority of people who consult sex experts are men with sexual performance problems.

People who go to sex experts are unusual because most people are not prepared to discuss possible sexual dysfunction with complete strangers, especially when they have to pay by the hour to do so!

By the time I was twenty I had read loads about sexual pleasure and imaginative sex play so my difficulty was not ignorance of technique. Instead I wanted to know why (although everything worked by the book for the man) my body and mind did not respond as I assumed they were supposed to. As a well-informed couple, we had tried all the foreplay techniques in the book.

Sexual pleasure remains very personal

When I consulted therapists in the UK, I was asking: “How do women become sufficiently aroused during sex to enable them to orgasm?” After meeting with defensiveness and incomprehension over my concerns about orgasm, I came to realise that therapists don’t know the answer to this highly personal question any more than anyone else. Why should they?

People who qualify as sex experts learn about human sexuality through textbooks full of theories, laboratory research and detailed analysis of phenomena such as orgasm. There is no particular reason why female sex experts would have explored their own sexuality, either through masturbation or through sex with a partner, any more than the average woman.

We can all be fairly sure that a man knows how to orgasm both alone and with a partner. But many women have sex without ever knowing how to become aroused enough to orgasm. So there is no guarantee that a woman, even if she is advising others, knows how to masturbate herself to orgasm; let alone how to succeed with similar techniques during sex.

Some people claim to be unembarrassed about sex but only because they discuss other people’s sex lives. Very few women (even sex experts) are willing to talk about their own experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm during sex.

So therapists’ understanding of the average woman’s experience of orgasm is based on the findings of surveys. Unfortunately these can be highly misleading: (1) given the belief that orgasm is the normal experience many women assume they orgasm when they don’t; and (2) women often interpret their sexual experiences in the light of emotional rather than sexual criteria.

Lack of understanding means that women’s sexual arousal is still highly taboo. Even experts are confused when faced with couples who have unrealistic expectations. Evidently female orgasm is not an issue for the vast majority of couples today.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

7 comments for “Sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction

  1. Colleen N.
    October 23, 2017 at 4:23 am

    Love your work!

  2. Jane
    October 23, 2017 at 6:54 am

    Thanks Colleen! Do you have any feedback or tips for me? I’m always trying to improve on the information that I provide!

  3. Colleen N.
    October 23, 2017 at 10:15 am

    You have been doing this for a very long time Jane, I would feel out of place commenting on the content as I have been more of a psychotherapist, group therapist, etc. I believe your content is clear and direct and I really really like that. If I could say one thing it would about live video. If it were me, I would have a little more affect displayed, facial expressions etc. to draw more of an audience. That’s just me. You may have your reasons for not showing much affect or facial expressions, I don’t know. I just know your material is sound and necessary and I’m glad you’re out there! Thank you for sharing your research and wisdom.❤

  4. Jane
    October 23, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    Thanks Colleen. The truth is I am a writer and not a natural presenter. I have done the videos because I am told that some people relate better to that medium than the written word. I console myself with the fact that no one else is talking about sexuality in the explicit terms that I am – so it’s a new experience for everyone – not just me! I’m not selling sex, or trying to be ‘sexy’ or ‘seductive’ and I’m obviously not 20 years old (as everyone seems to expect a female ‘sex expert’ to be)! The content is the main focus – the presentation is as good as I can make it! I have to read the text as I can’t remember the detailed information I am presenting. Sadly my work is a one-woman-show! Thanks for the feedback – much appreciated!

  5. Colleen N.
    October 23, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    I understand that completely, and thought that had something to do with it. I have had some people take offence to humour in group therapy (psycho-Ed style groups- never psycho dynamic). I have done many public or professional speeches so I know the value of presentation to those who listen I will continue to see your videos for the content which is so necessary- especially for therapists, and it has helped me go more into depth with my clients. Thank you again- your research is so valuable to me❤

  6. Jane
    October 23, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    Thanks Colleen. Let me know if you have any material I can promote as part of my general marketing on FB, TW & LI. I promote information that attempts to be realistic rather than fantasy based – as you probably realise! Also any research findings that are based on large sample sizes or that explain men & women’s sexual behaviours in real life.

  7. Colleen N.
    October 23, 2017 at 8:37 pm

    Yes I will, my practice is research-based and realistic, unlike LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter which tend to be more “fluffy”​ just to establish a presence to the general public. I will be closing my practice at the end of this yr. 40 years in hospitals and private practice is enough for me, and yes I understand being a one-man show, so thank you for your collegiality, I appreciate it. Anything I come across that I think will be of interest to you, I will forward. Cheers

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